Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Facts: My H had an emotional affair w/ a coworker. They work a midnight shift together. I discovered 100's of texts throughout the day and hour long phone converstaions that continued all day and night for 60 days straight. He has told me it is over; they no longer are in contact. Now I would be a complete idiot to think that he has not spoken to this female considering they see each other at work, daily. So, I'm not oblivious to the obvious. But, I have checked phone records, etc... and see no other contact. It's been an unbearable road an emotional rollercoaster and I've never experienced such pain and heartache. I want to believe all contact and feelings have ceased, and move on. He is willing to change shifts (if possible) but refuses to quit the job (good pay, not alot of opportunity out there in his field)
Question: A dear DS friend told me that the entire time she's been on here she has not seen a relationship survive that involves the SO in an affair with co-worker,and the two continue to work together. I need to know is it possible. Are there survivors out there that she's missed? Is there a victim who has accepted this way of life and been able to live with it and move on with the marriage. Do you ever trust again, do you still have doubts, can it work? Is there a cheater out there that has had an A with a co worker (either a PA or EA- I see it- getting in their pants is as bad as getting in their hearts)and has ended it and can continue to work with them w/o having contact/feelings/thoughts? How do/what do you do to keep your marriage viable? Can it work?
I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that it can work for me and my H. That he can continue to work with her and I can (someday accept that). What I do know is that I can't go through pain like that again. To this day (been 4 months) I get sick to my stomach, I cry, I fear, I am a wreck. I want that to end. The only way it will end is if I try to move on. And, I want to move on.. with my H. If you're out there and my friend missed you, please let me know. I want, I need, to have hope.
Or, if all you now is tragic results; I guess I need to know that to.. this is real life and I know there's two sides to every story.
Question: A dear DS friend told me that the entire time she's been on here she has not seen a relationship survive that involves the SO in an affair with co-worker,and the two continue to work together. I need to know is it possible. Are there survivors out there that she's missed? Is there a victim who has accepted this way of life and been able to live with it and move on with the marriage. Do you ever trust again, do you still have doubts, can it work? Is there a cheater out there that has had an A with a co worker (either a PA or EA- I see it- getting in their pants is as bad as getting in their hearts)and has ended it and can continue to work with them w/o having contact/feelings/thoughts? How do/what do you do to keep your marriage viable? Can it work?
I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that it can work for me and my H. That he can continue to work with her and I can (someday accept that). What I do know is that I can't go through pain like that again. To this day (been 4 months) I get sick to my stomach, I cry, I fear, I am a wreck. I want that to end. The only way it will end is if I try to move on. And, I want to move on.. with my H. If you're out there and my friend missed you, please let me know. I want, I need, to have hope.
Or, if all you now is tragic results; I guess I need to know that to.. this is real life and I know there's two sides to every story.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I know that a lot of people here would agree with me when I say this: if there is any chance of it working out, then he cannot work with her. Zero contact and zero chance for contact should be a criteria. No matter the circumstances. You should be that high up the priority list to make that happen. If there are excuses, then he has other priorities and you will be crushed again. And again and again....
If she is going to continue working there, then he must find another job. Period.
If there are challenges with finding another job, well, then he should have thought of that before he did what he did. It is a choice / consequences thing.
No matter what you decide to do, good luck.
The day that I knew he was serious about me and our marriage, was the day he put me first. In his daily life at work, I was the first thing he thought of. It was obvious with phone calls, pictures of his family on his desk, he encouraging me to come in and see him at work. The OW got fed up and quit.
If your husband is serious about fixing your relationship, you will know!!!
Jules post makes sense, so does Garrison's. i think the point is, there is more than one way to skin a cat (no pun intended)!.
I know my h could not have handled seeing his former lover. he also believed he loved her but also thought he loved me more. for a couple of months, he continued to see her due to work and he could not really extracate himself from the drama. If nothing else, he could see that she was suffering.
I think complete seperation is preferable.
If not possible right now, go there, unannounced, get a sitter, if you must, it is worth your time and trouble. does not need to be everyday, in fact, the more unpredictable the better! If they are still involved you will see it. if not it will drive her crazy and if he so much as winces, you tell hiim that his life is an open book now. He has no privacy and there had better not be anywhere, anytime you are not welcome to see him. You will learn a lot, to answer your questions, by just seeing them together and seeing your husband's response.
Be VERY inconsistant. if you work, you may want to sleep and show up at 5 or 6 am, but nexttime, lose the sleep and show at 2 or 3AM.
You need more info and she might just quit rather than watch the two of you together. When you go, take him something, a Starbucks or a meal, be there obviously, to show your love.
He changed jobs 5 days before his confession. I believe part of the reason he confessed is he wasn't able to see her anymore without the risk of getting cught. Our daughter had already confronted him about it. Even though he PROMISED to break it off from her and his new job was 40 miles away from her they continued to make contact. After about 8 weeks I blocked her email address. But he continued to email her through his business email address. Taking a risk to loosing his new job. He also has a business provided cell phone which I check. I found her email address in his contact list but no other trace of her. I know in my heart he is still contacting her but lying about it. Someone once asked me if he could have a 3rd cell phone? Is it possible your husband has a different phone you don't know about?
I am 100% sure my H would not have wanted to work on our marriage if he had not changed jobs. She has a piece of his heart and I couldn't live with that knowing she could be with him everyday.
I would want him to at least change shifts and cut as much contact with out as possible. But, if she is as emotionally invested as it sounds like he was,,, the chances she leaves him alone are slim.
I just think that it is so hard for him to work with her and see her...everyday. Especially, if the two of them think there is nothing wrong with what they did! (or maybe are still doing?).
In the book-His Needs, Her Needs-How to Affair Proof Your Marriage-Dr. Harley is adamant that the only way to handle any kind of affair is to completely avoid seeing the OM/OW! Ask your husband how expensive he thinks a divorce will be? How will life be for him on half or less than half of his salary depending on child support? maybe a cut in pay and a new job and a new beginning for his marriage is not as out of the question as he thinks....or does he just not want to leave her?
Even though my husband claimed his A was over he would not leave his job. I reached a point where it was either the job or the marriage. I found out later that the affair did not end until he did in fact leave the job.
Think about it - how can you truly get over something as gratifying and at the same time horrid as an affair- while it is in your face? A place of employment for many people is like a life and world of their own. No one knows the spouse...cares.
Once something like this has started in an environment like that the only way out is leaving.
It was a deal breaker for me eventually since I viewed his attachment to the job as an attachment to her. He did leave and that is when the affair did finally end.
Good luck,
Jax
I don't think it ever goes away completely and rebuiding trust is a slow process. Does he act remorseful? What are his reasons and what does he say his and her relationship are like now???