Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after the transgression.

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Can serial cheaters and pathological liars be cure

Please help...anyone in counseling or therapy? We thinmk my H is a serial cheater and pathological liar. Can that be cured or controlled??? Please help. i can't decide whetehr to stay or not.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Ok, this is going to sound weird cuz my STBX is a serial cheater (emotional affairs for sure, not sure about physical). And he lies A LOT... mostly to cover his butt. BUT... I do think that SOME serial cheaters and liars can change. Not sure about cured but I think they can change.

The keys seem to be this:
- They WANT to change
- They get intensive therapy or go to a 12 step program
- They because an open book to you
- NO MORE LYING... even about little things

Our therapist swore that she didn't think my H would cheat again. I wasn't sure but I could see if my H had done all of the things I said above, we'd still be together and working on things. Unfortunately, he didn't do all these things, instead he continued to lie and hide things, so we are getting divorced.

The big thing to remember though is that your husband's recovery is HIS. You cannot change him, control him, or cure him. HE has to do those things for himself. It's a HARD thing to swallow. I felt so frustrated when our therapist told me that. I felt so helpless. But in the end, I was able to give up some of my frustration and anxiety because it wasn't up to me to fix this... he had to. And if he didn't, I had a decision to make.

This is SO hard and I'm sorry you are going through it. I would say lots of counseling for both of you, joint and individual so you can make good decisions for yourself.

But I do have hope that someone can change their ways if they want to!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Design is right.

honestly i think people can change but i don't think it is your responsibility to live with the consequences if he can't. honestly idk if you owe him your support in his attempet. only he can change himself and who knows if he is being honest about wanting to change, or unfortunatly when he committed to you. you have to take care of yourself first.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am with Design on this one to. I think they can change if they want to change.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It's called sex addiction. I have been married for 39 years and have discover 20-30 affairs, by reading one old e-mail, I then asked one simple question-How many women have you slept with all night with? My nightmare began. There are lots of books on this topic, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton etc. It's sounds like men of success can have this disorder
deleted_user
deleted_user

The key to recovery in anything is the sincere desire to change and a willingness to dig deep enough to find the reasons for the issue in the first place. A cheater has to be remorseful and not guilty or sorry because they got caught. They have to fully understand and accept responsibility for the poorest of choices and not blame it on anyone except themselves. Nobody and nothing "drove" them to it. Using that excuse is just that. An excuse to hide from self discovery.
Honesty is also a must which would be impossible for my ex at this point. I don't think he even tells himself the truth, although it does haunt him in his dreams and always will in my opinion.
These are hard things to do and face, but unless they are willing to do it then no, they will not change. They will just try to "re-invent" themselves with a new person and sadly not change a single thing in their lives that they are unhappy about.
Once a cheater always a cheater is an expression you hear and it is true a lot of times because the cheater is not strong enough, honest enough or open enough to do the tough work it will take to change. They want an easy out, which is why they are a cheater in the first place. It is always possible, but it is a very hard road. Of course, nothing truly amazing in this life ever comes easy. So many people forget that looking for the quick fix.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My husband that i have been with for 25 years just told me a few hours ago that he is a serial cheater. Deep down I think I knew he was cheating. I confronted him once and we had counselling for it and I thought all was better. But he lied and lied to me. He said most have been emotional affairs. And in counselling we discovered that he is likely bi-polar and he comes from a family of addicts (alcohol, gambling) and mental health problems. So if he has already seeked help and is actively seeking more and was the one to tell me about these affairs do you think he can be reformed? I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think they can change, but unfortunately it seems like what helps them change is a new life without their spouse. If they are a serial cheater and pathological liar with their spouse it becomes a familiar and habitual pattern that is hard for them to break without ending the marriage. Sometimes a divorce and a whole new relationship is what is required to guarantee their success. Just like drug addicts often have to abandon their old friends and forge whole new friendships to ensure their sobriety, I think the same may be the case with a serial cheater/pathological liar.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Peace makes a good point, too. It's sad, because the BS is the one whose heart was dragged through the pits of hell, and the "new guy" or "new girl" reaps all the benefits of the CS later on. One of the scariest parts of deciding to leave is that doubt--that tiny seed of doubt warning you that after the divorce you won't find another to love, but your stupid CS will find happiness, love, family, all the things you wanted so desperately and may never have. Not due to any fault of your own.

The solution, of course, is to do some digging within yourself, and if you decide to leave, knowing that your CS could NEVER truly make you happy again. It's the confidence in your SELF, the knowledge that you're making the right choice, EVEN IF she/he finds someone else. If you can picture your CS living the rest of his/her days with another, happily married, while you remain single, and still smile--you're making the right choice.

Anyway, do serial cheaters change? I think it's possible, but not likely. I think I'm a bit more pessimistic than others on this topic...but I think people tend to have one true nature, for better or for worse, and that's the crutch they fall on when times are tough. I'd like to think they can change, and I'm sure that some of them do. But it's an uphill battle, and I don't think I'd hold my breath.

Best of luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user

each time he cheats, the chances of you ever being able to trust him again get lesser and lesser.

I am not saying a serial cheater can't be "cured" but the odds aren't likely, at least not until something devastating happens that makes them wonder why/what they've done, re-evaluate the situation and then figure out how to stop it. And, like any other addict, every day will be a struggle to keep that change in their life.

It can happen, but I wouldn't have a lot of hope. Sorry if that sounds pessimistic.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Betrayed. One of the things many BSs, and other people who are in troubled marriages, worry about is that their spouse will fix all the things they were doing wrong and become the person they wanted them to be with someone new. Its heartbreaking to give up on a relationship because the person you are with won't change their bad behavior, only to see them change their bad behavior and become everything you had hoped they could be, with someone else.

All I think you can really do is tell yourself that the relationship was not healthy and you were not right for each other and that is why they would not change when they were with you. They could not become the person you wanted them to be because they were not the right person for you and that person is still out there and once you find them you will be as happy as your ex is.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Only you can decide whether to stay or to go. The biggest question is does it hurt more to be with him knowing or to be alone? I was married to the same man for 16 yrs. I left twice before for a week or two. Then finally, a little over 4 months ago, I woke up and said hey, I deserve better. Leaving the man I loved was very hard, but I have to sat the best decision I have made. My children and I are all well adjusted now, and the best part of all, is not wondering every moment of every day, where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing. The peace and serenity of that feeling alone is undescribable. And while it took a lot of tears, an inner strength I never knew I had, and a few months for the pain to fade, I look back now and think, I am worth so much more than he ever gave me. And now, I never have to settle for less than that again. I gave him ample opportunities, second chances, and more forgiveness than any one person deserves. I would like to say that I believe people can change, and to some extent they probably can, but they can't change their nature. I wish you will and will have you in my prayers. And hope that you find the answer that is best for you. It is a long and winding road, with many twists and turns along the way,but best of luck on the path you choose.
KRKing911
KRKing911

I don't believe it can be without some serious serious work on their part and quite frankly, they don't think there's anything wrong with what they are doing.

Save yourself another 10 years with this man and get out now. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I was with mine for 30 years. Don't be a doormat because you are afraid and change is hard. You are strong and you deserve much, much more than he is giving you.

You are just an object to him. He does not cherish you, he does not appreciate you - he is using you.

Look up on youtube Sam Vankin's narcissist revisited. He has a lot of great information. Can it be cured - no...most they can do is modify their reactions. Not encouraging at all.

I can't stress to you enough - to get out now. There is a whole wide world open to you. You do not need to live the way you are.
trisha9054
trisha9054

I agree with KRKing911. I was married to one of those serial cheaters. There are so many ways to cheat and not let anyone know. It's not really the physical act itself but the high they get from playing their game. For my ex it was a game he kept hidden very well until he wanted to be caught.

It's the excitement of the chase, the conquest, the game of it all. I don't think that will ever go away. You deserve better than that in your life.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Betrayed. The key really starts from within YOU. I am past the point of caring if my EX finds happiness with someone, simply because I know I would NOT have been happy if we had stayed together. Getting out of my marriage was a relief for me.

I don't know if serial cheaters change. I also know, for me, that serial cheating, even if it is now considered a real disorder, wouldn't be acceptable by me. I wouldn't be able to stand by while my H or BF or whomever cheated multiple times, then was able to conveniently blame it on their "addiction." I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I know me, and I wouldn't wait for that change.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow. First I'll say that I want to cry after all these honest posts. I absolutely hate to tell W/H to leave the marriage.. I don't do it. jmbg,I have said this before and will again. This is so very important. If he truly loves you I mean down to his core. This means his happines will become second to yours. He will sacrifice for you...yes,even his life if need be. You have to be soooo precious to him and if you are you will know it. Lies,deception,sharing his body w/ another....Just Messed Up.