I wanted to believe my H would never cheat again that was 39years ago. I forgave him that first time. Then 3+ years ago he confessed to cheating again. When I asked him how many others there has been he replied,"I don't want to tell you and you really don't want to know". When I asked him how long the affair lasted with the confessed one he said probably 5 years. So I now thing he has probably been cheating almost all of the 48 years we have been married even though he tells me that he has not cheated in several years. So I think once a cheater always a cheater. I wish I could believe otherwise but from my experience I have to think this until I have been proven otherwise. I have been wrong before and would like to believe I could be wrong about this. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.

my friend said that all men cheat and i do not agree with that but i never thought in a millon years that my husband would cheat.

my husband claims to be a better man a different man and i hope he is right and that he means what he says. he seems to mean it and he really seems to be sorry for what he did to his family, so i will take his word for it that he is a changed man but i have made it very clear that i will never put up with this kinda behavior again and that he will pay dearly if he even dreams about cheating.

I am struggeling with this myself. My H cheated on his ex wife and I have always feared he would do it to me. Ofcourse here I am so he did do it to me. He has been so good to me and really made changes since the Affair has come out, which is why I am still here. My delemia is that I dont want to wake up one day and have to go through this again. I have told him I wont stay if this happens again. I do think people can change and if your going to stay you are going to have to believe he is willing to make the changes. However he has to prove himself worthy. Also he will be held accountable for all of his actions from here on out. Beleive in him but because of his track record you are going to have to keep very close tabs on him. Hope this helps, Im in a weird place tonight.

No. All men DO NOT cheat. I've never cheated. My wife did change. She's really a very different person than she was. I do believe that a person can change if they've come to the end of themselves and realize that what they are doing is destroying not only themselves, but other people that love them.

I agree with Jay (reply #4) in that all men do NOT cheat. In discussing this very thing with my husband this evening he said..."As a christian and one who seeks to live a godly life I would not only want to hurt my wife and family but I also would fear God removing His hand from my life if I did."
I know many are not that in touch with God but the knowledge of right and wrong is strong in most I believe. Also, those who are truly sorry and wish to repair what they have done to those who love them can change and move on to living happy lives again with their spouse. It does take two though, one to ask forgiveness, one to forgive and both to work with all their might to recover from it.

IMHO
No, once a cheater always a cheater, whether they act on it is another thing, just like a smoker, alcoholic, addict or abuser of any kind, when the place and time is 'right' in their lives, relapses are inevitable. The memories, the fantasy, the feelings will always be with them.

I don't know...I'm not so sure that's true. My wife had one affair with one man. When she thinks of the affair, she gets physically ill. I just don't think lumping all people into any category is correct. There are probably some of us victims that will end up cheating some day. I think I've read stories on here of just such a thing. My wife would never have imagined that she could have done this. She is crushed by what she did. I've seen her take two or three baths a day scrubbing herself to try to feel like she's clean. I don't think that this is someone who has the desire hidden inside to cheat again.

And, quite frankly, I think that saying that cheaters can never change is also saying that God cannot change a person and make them new. Probably, many of you believe that. But, that's not been my experience in life.

I don't believe for some cheaters it is a choice, desicion or they plan it, i think for some it is a horrendous mistake or poor judgement, but for me, what i believe, it is just like a smoker, addict, abuser..ect, once they stop, they don't want or choose to go back to it, it chooses for them.

Umm...okay. I think what you're saying is that some people just screw up and make a mistake. You're saying that other people have a sex addiction or something. Right?

Nic
Firstly, I dont know, I am not a cheater and cannot get in the head of one.

I agree with Nadine, not just sex addicts but there is a certain thing one must be able to do to cheat, especially for weeks, months or years. I have heard it referred to as
"compartmentalising", and it goes sort of like this.

They need attention, attention at home is ebbing due to any number of things, new baby, illness, illness of parent, or some other thing that is preoccupying their otherwise usually attentive spouse. Someone starts to pay attention to them, they respond and then ...somehow all of their reason, logic, memory and common sense slips right out of their %$#@ and before they know it, it has happened to them again! Perhaps, there are exceptions but most of the people I know who cheat, do it again. I would not, even if I tried, even if I was "that close" to letting it happen, I could not cheat on my husband. My Conscience is always with me, come rain or shine. From what I understand the cheater's conscience takes little vacations or gets locked up in a compartment, only to finally escape and cfause it's owner to confess his deeds and feel real bad about them. for a little while.

My opinion

Okay...it's probably just symantics at this point. I'm not sure if most cheaters will do it again. I just know that not all of them do. So, I will come closer to agreeing that most cheaters will do it again. I think there are a lot of things that factor in. How much suffering did they have to do the first time? Was there pubic humiliation? Was there consequence at home? Did the spouse lay down the boundaries and let them know exactly what would happen if this happened again? How much hurt did they feel from what they did? If they didn't care, then maybe they fall into that category that Nave was talking about and they will likely do it again. One of the things that I've learned from counseling and from my research is that there is no such thing as "always" or "never" or "all" when dealing with people. You can't say that I always do anything because I don't always. Even people with OCD sometimes have exceptions to their routines. They do it this way, except when they do it another way. So, unless people learn that, they tend to argue by throwing out those words. "You ALWAYS treat me like scum." Always? "You NEVER do ANYTHING to help me." Never? If those things are true, then why are you still there talking to them about it? Leave. If they ALWAYS act a certain way, then there is not much chance they will ever change. But, I think that some cheaters have experienced enough of their own pain and enough consequences that they will change. If their secret is kept and they get away with it...don't feel the scorn of disappointment from family and friends, etc...then they may do it again.

Jae,
You r talking about change on the behavioral level, with consequences and suffering as motivation.

Again, I agree, not ALL cheaters will cheat again, the law of averages will always prove that, some cheaters might get hit by a bus, some may never have or allow an opportunity, in which they are too vulnerable, to occur

Behavioral change is a relatively safe bet as far as animals are concerned, dogs will learn to be helpless to save themselves, under certain conditions and will not try to get out of a cage when the door is open, dogs can be trained to salivate, at the sound of a bell.

Peoplele, do not show such uniform behavior. It seems to me that the death penalty has not decreased homicide over the years.

Some years homicides go down but there is no relation to the existence of death as a punishment or noy. The "three strikes law" here in California, has not stopped the use of drugs. Punishment doesnt always deter bad behavior.

I know my husband had no clue that 1)I would find out 2) I would flip out 3) his life would be altered forever. He has the ability to remember these things and he has the desire to avoid these things but when push comes to shove, unfortunately, he has the ability to use defences such as denail, compartmentalization and rationalization to make it seem somehow, not such a big deal or not REALLY cheatin, just a friend or etc.

He has the ability, given enough freedom from observation and enough desire for someone he believes is special or thinks he is special, he will cheat. I on the other hand do not cheat...because...instead of fear of consequences, I am the consequences. I would have to look at myself the next morning. So behavior changes but I do not think for thre most part, that people chage the defences they have used since childhood and the cheaters defences just make it mnore likey, they will do it,,,given the right set of circunstances.

I guess this is something we will have to disagree upon. Punishment DOES deter bad behavior. Drug addicts are addicts. Three strikes won't make a difference for most of them because they don't seek help. The death penalty IS a deterrant. What would it be like if there was no death penalty? I shudder to think. So, you're looking at this from one extreme and I'm looking at it from the other. We can see the same thing from different perspectives. And, since I am a Christian, I know from personal experience what God can do in a person's life that is surrendered to Him.

I see in my own children that they learn from consequences of their actions. Then, they know that it's not worth it. I don't in the least agree that punishment and consequences do not deter behavior.

Yes, they can change .. this one did .. how .. U may ask ???

For one .. I got in touch with my own feelings .. and then I got in touch with hers ..

From there .. I began to understand .. what I had done to her ..

Did I know what I was doing was not right? Of course .. but .. I had become emotionally unattached to her .. and to what she was feeling ..

I am now in touch with that ..

How easy is it to change? For me .. it was a decision .. that past mistakes do not define me .. I am not my past mistakes .. I own them .. but they are not who I am ..

Who I am is someone who can and has committed my love .. to only one woman .. and .. that will not change for me .. no matter what ..

Even if we fight or argue .. I will not allow myself to behave in that way .. ever again ..

I hope .. for everyone's sake who posts here .. that their s/o will do the same ..

Anyone can .. it just takes desire ..

Blessings to all ..