where can i start. well i was young when i met my husband. i was about 21. i thought he was the nicest guy i've ever met. he said all the right things. my family was very strict. i know that i was hungry for love. when he came along i felt so loved. we got married a year after. my mom and dad wasn't too sure about him. i know my whole family didn't really approved. my husband was my first. so many promises he made to me and i believed him with my heart and soul. i could walk you through all my life but it's so long. after awhile the lies came out and he started cheating on me. there was so mant lies. i tried so hard to make things right. at time i know i looked well like a begger. i had to pride. i can't count how many times he would say that marrying me was a mistake. how unattractive i was, how i could never satisfiy him. we were separated 5 years ago and when i agree to take him back, all the times he tried and the few counseling we went to, about a year and half ago when he told me that was still the same gut that he never changed. told me that he didn't love me. he ripped my heart out. all i ever wanted was to grow old with him and raise our children together. my mom was trying to help me. we cried together. she didn't want me to get a divorce because she didn't believe in that. it's been 3 months since i lost my mom to cancer. sure he came back and help me when i had to be with her. but now that she's gone, well he lives here but we're in separate floors. we don't communicate at all. i don't know what he does. i wish i never agreed to quit my job 2 years ago. now i'm very depressed, i feel so trapped. he doesn't even look at me...don't care how i'm doing. he knows how i'm struggling with the lost of my mom. sometimes i think he wishes that i would end up like my mother so he could be free of me. at times i don't think that it would be a bad idea...but then i think what would happen to my kids. as lost and down in this deep dark hole that i'm in i still take care of my kids. i give them so much love and they give me love to but i'm just dying inside. i'm afraid that this situation will kill me someday. getting out....but where do i go....i'm so ashamed of my life, i really don't have anyone i can turn to. all the doors as closed on me. i have no communication with anyone. my kids are the only one i talk to. the rest i just shut myself off. freinds, my sister has told me how pretty i am and they can't understand how i could ever marry somebody so ugly. i walk with my head hanging down. i don't see myself as being beautiful. he's distroyed me so badly...it would take a miracle for me to be able to see a sign...of hope.

i'm sorry this is so long but i had to get it out..somehow.

thank you..