Yup. I know what you mean. I got to the absolute end of the rope and we both know that I can't handle anything else.

I do think that now both of us are willing to help each other more. Neither of us was really up to working on the marriage until this happened. This is NOT the way that I would suggest someone gets the spouse to work on the marriage. But, at least we're doing that now. Plus, she's gotten help for the anger and the abuse has stopped. She's really a different person and she's now learning how to open up and really share what's in there.

Im learning about me more and more everyday. I became MORE independent.I'm closer with my kids and I could certaintly care less if his hair catches on fire nowdays.

Now, I live for me.

I do more for me. I go to the gym more and enjoy my own time, instead of trying to be super mom and wife.

hey looks like i wrote that.

hey i too feel better and more independent. i am a SAHM and i often don't even get out of my pajamas (especially when all of this was hitting me hard) but i have noticed that when i dress up, put on a little bit of eye makeup and lip gloss, i have so much confidence(and it makes my husband crazy-he is always asking where i am going and where i have been!!) i to agree that if he decides to ever do this again, a divorce will the least of his worries.

I'm finding the exact opposite right now. I was always independent, maybe too independent, and now I've never felt needier. My H is saying that he likes the needy part of me because he's never seen it. I'm feeling a little too open right now for my liking.

Today..I don't know, before right now, I had said if this all didn't happen we would already be at least seperated..we were so unhappy.
I don't recommend this pain though to anyone, and tonite is not a good night. We are seeing a new counselor, and beyond that have gone out more than we had been in I can't remember when and even today went to brunch because we were supposed to go out to dinner on Friday, but he got sick at work and actually apologized, then thought of the brunch all on his own, the actually remembered about it, which also is new.
BUT, I have been having a rough few days and it's been a couple weeks since we have really talked about anything of substance, and yep, broke down into just a fight...he thinks he is answering my questions, I don't think he is, I don't think he has the "right" to get pissy..etc..
I am at bottom right now.

I learned so much about myself as a person, woman, and human being that my response would be ridiculously long if I tried to list each and every change. I will say the though I wish like hell I hadn't had to go through this crap to get where I am, I am a happy person. My H has more respect for me and my feelings than before, and finally, FINALLY - I know without a doube how he truly feels about me. That was always ambiguous at best b/c of the way he was raised and the fact that he suffered from depression, abandonment issues, and low self-esteem.

I lost so much, but I also gained. My marriage is over, but I have one thing I never had in my marriage - I have a chance for something better. I hope something comes of it.

Ditto! Once you find out and let people know that you can stand alone, it empowers you and shows them that hey, with or without them, you will succeed.

Yes, the person that he was and that i was is dead, as is our former marriage. What has emerged is a stronger me, a more honest him, and a marriage that is actually built on us working together to make it function.

MJ
I would give anything for the affair to NOT have happened.

But since it did, I have become a lot MORE selfish! This is a good thing because I have always done for others before myself. My ind therapist told me, "Don't worry about becoming too selfish, you won't, and he (my H) will never be in danger of becoming too unselfish! This has remained true.

I now leave some of the household chores for him and he does them automatically. I realized I had spoiled him rotten! You might think that that would make a person grateful but the exact opposite happened, he began to feel entitled to have more and more.

One of my favorite books on infidelity says, this is common, the one who is giving less, is the one who cheats. Strange, but now that I think about it, how many of us are really grateful for the things we have. We take our homes, hot showers and plenty of everything for granted and always want more. Unless of course, we are threatened with losing it all.

I certainly wish this had made me more independent! I used to be independent (of course that is thrown back in my face as the REASON she had the affair ....she didnt think I cared about her), but now I am needy, having a real HARD time getting back into my traveling schedule for work (cant stand to be alone), am trying to do for me, but just havent gotten there. I hope soon I get to the point of some of you and AGAIN feel empowered and ready to stand proud on my own two feet. God bless all of you who have come out of this stronger.