Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Okay...........mt STBX has our kids this weekend.........he told me that he is having the kids overnight with his girlfriend, tonight and tomorrow night.........per our separation agreement, he has to have my consent when he has the kids (same goes for me, for having the kids with a third party). He thinks that I'm trying to control..........and had the nerve to say I hope that by "ME" doing this pushes our two kids away from me................
I have never had anything but my kids best interest at heart. My STBX asked me why when its my weekend to have the kids did I go out all night? It does not matter that I've gone out all night, what matters is that if the kids have a baby sitter, or stay with a friend that they are safe and with people that are trained (i.e. in case of babysitter, cpr qualified, etc) or a friend, a normal person. It does not justify his actions. He is trying to right his behavior by bringing up that I have gone out. Just got off the phone with my oldest sister (I'm youngest of five girls).........how does me going out overnight have anything to do with my kids seeing their father with a woman, overnight..................I let him know that he did not have my consent in writing or verbally and that if he continued to do that, that I was going to take him to court and have his visitation changed, to no overnight, and to get a restraining order against his girlfriend from being any where near my kids.......but before I said that I let him know that he either honored our separation agreement (which is he can have the kids around his girlfriend all he wants, but no overnights). And I also invited him to my son's next counselling appointment, so that he could hear a trained professional's recommendation, and see that I'm not narrrow minded, controlling of him, or a bad mom.
I'm an awesome mom, person, and wish that he could see me for me. Feel like I'm drowning in trying to cover my bases.........it seems like he digs for details of me from the kids.......he will not find anything.......because the guy I'm seeing.......will not bring him around the kids, until, I introduce him to my parents, and make sure they he knows my background and what is important to me..........I gave up having our third baby to please him.........and am so tired and weary of the decisions and sacrifices I've made to stay in the marriage.
Is getting a restrainging order against his girlfriend the right things, or should I just document his bad choices, violation of the separation agreement, and bring this all up with the judge when I go to file for the absolute divorce..........now I wonder if he is bad mouthing me to our kids..........somehow I would not put that past him.........
I pray that the good Lord watches out over me, am really in alot of confusion at how God wants me to handle this.........I refuse to be a carpet for he and his girlfriend to walk on, nor do I want to risk going back and forth to court.......life is just short for all this bs.
I have never had anything but my kids best interest at heart. My STBX asked me why when its my weekend to have the kids did I go out all night? It does not matter that I've gone out all night, what matters is that if the kids have a baby sitter, or stay with a friend that they are safe and with people that are trained (i.e. in case of babysitter, cpr qualified, etc) or a friend, a normal person. It does not justify his actions. He is trying to right his behavior by bringing up that I have gone out. Just got off the phone with my oldest sister (I'm youngest of five girls).........how does me going out overnight have anything to do with my kids seeing their father with a woman, overnight..................I let him know that he did not have my consent in writing or verbally and that if he continued to do that, that I was going to take him to court and have his visitation changed, to no overnight, and to get a restraining order against his girlfriend from being any where near my kids.......but before I said that I let him know that he either honored our separation agreement (which is he can have the kids around his girlfriend all he wants, but no overnights). And I also invited him to my son's next counselling appointment, so that he could hear a trained professional's recommendation, and see that I'm not narrrow minded, controlling of him, or a bad mom.
I'm an awesome mom, person, and wish that he could see me for me. Feel like I'm drowning in trying to cover my bases.........it seems like he digs for details of me from the kids.......he will not find anything.......because the guy I'm seeing.......will not bring him around the kids, until, I introduce him to my parents, and make sure they he knows my background and what is important to me..........I gave up having our third baby to please him.........and am so tired and weary of the decisions and sacrifices I've made to stay in the marriage.
Is getting a restrainging order against his girlfriend the right things, or should I just document his bad choices, violation of the separation agreement, and bring this all up with the judge when I go to file for the absolute divorce..........now I wonder if he is bad mouthing me to our kids..........somehow I would not put that past him.........
I pray that the good Lord watches out over me, am really in alot of confusion at how God wants me to handle this.........I refuse to be a carpet for he and his girlfriend to walk on, nor do I want to risk going back and forth to court.......life is just short for all this bs.
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
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Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...
as far as the separation agreement, was this ever filed at a Courthouse or signed by a Judge? Usually Judges will NOT disallow children to be around a third party unless it can be proved that it is detrimental to them in some way ( other than deterimental to you).
The best interest of the kids, in legal terms, is NOT as narrow as that sounds. It is not "well, what is best for the kids". The best interest of the kids is a legal element used to determine such things as "Cross fire" and a whole host of other things. The best interest of the kids resumes their best mental, health, and welfare safety while allowing them contact from both parents on a regular basis. That is the standard used in most cases with elements that can come into play depending on what state you live in, such as cross fire as listed above.
Best interest is usually a mantra that it is within the best interest of the children to be raised by both parents , whether in separate homes or not. It doesn't mean what people think it means alot of the times.
It wouldn't be within the scope of the best interest of the kids if while he was exercising his right to visitation, he was getting drunk in front of them, not tending to their medical needs, not having them do their homework OR TALKING BAD ABOUT YOU ( thats crossfire) OR talking to them about the marital problems ( that is also crossfire). He is to leave you OUT of discussions with the kids as are you to leave him out, or that would be in violation of BI. If his girlfriend does it, its still a violation.
BUT, unfortunately, judges really don't look at third parties , per se who the parents are dating unless they have a reason to go looking- such as past child abuse history, criminal history, drug history, or abusing the current kids, or harming them even emotionally if the kids SAY so. If his visitation is continued to be used by him hiring babysitters, that is actually a ground for losing rights in many states. Visitation is to be with your kids, not hire someone to watch them. You may be able to press him on that.
Hope this helps. Ive been in the law field for way too long.
I've decided not to get a restraining order. The judge would rule in my favor. I have been the one the kids' entire life to be the primary caretaker, for nearly 12 years, and their are enough people that have known me this long to back me up, as credible witnesses. It is not in the best interest of the kids to be exposed to the overnight bs.........guess what, I too have been in the legal field, both in and out of the military.
I'm not stupid, nor am I going to lose any ground work that I already have. their dad is a jerk and a totaly self absorbed asshole, but he IS THEIR DAD and I do not believe (like some people) in withholding visitation because of what he is going.........that would only get me in trouble with the courts.
in the long run, I am setting the better example, and my kids will look at their father when they are grown, and eventually they will go to him and he may end up losing a good relationship. There is the saying, what comes around goes around. If you treat people bad (and are not honest, and do not support the mother of your kids), guess what, kids are smart, and they see everything they do.
despite what he's done, I've completed a master's program, and both my kids are healthy and nearly A/B honorroll........the law is narrow minded, not us parents...........the law should be written to protect the rights of the kids, however it is not always that way. The law can be skewed, if one lawyer knows, the judge, then don't you think that judge might rule in that lawyers' favor. We are all kidding ourselves, if we do not address the tough issues.
What sucks for the one left (i.e., me or you), is we are constantly cleaning up our STBX messes, and that's the truth. But he will regret being a jerk,,,,,,,,,,karma :)
It WOULD be confusing for YOUNG children (and even upsetting for older children or teens) - to see thier parents with other people - IN THE WAY they saw thier parents TOGETHER.
NOT that they cant EVER see it - it's just SOON - and going through the seperation, divorse, visiting...all this is ENOUGH change for them.
Whether or not he or you go out - is not the issue. BOTH of you WILL go out when and with who you want - and NEITHER of you can really say anything about it or even NEED TO KNOW about it - unless it DIRECTLY affects the children...
Adding - YET ANOTHER - confusing CHANGE (And another PERSON - who they may get confused about - they ALREADY HAVE a MOM so WHO is this person with thier DAD and WHO is she to THEM)...is NOT in the best intrest of the children - AT THIS POINT. ALSO - AT THIS POINT - whoever thier dad is DATING - IS NOTHING to them. He may date DIFFERENT people - he's NOT EVEN DIVORCED yet so It's NOT unreasonable to question the perspective life of any relationships started while still married (even if seperated). Im not saying neither of you should date - it just shouldnt be a part of your childrens life so soon - and you REALLY dont know if new people NOW are going to be long-term.
IF they ARE - they can be introduced into your childrens lives Later - and Slowly...
THAT is what it SOUNDS like is bothering you - and if that is the case - your right. You should approach the subject with your husband IN THOSE TERMS. And RELATE it to BOTH of you - not just him, if he's being a defensive baby.
It doesnt matter WHO he is dating - what matters is ANOTHER CONFUSING CHANGE and MORE PEOPLE - RIGHT NOW / SO SOON.
ALSO - is he keeping TABS on you? Once again - WHY is he concerned with WHAT you are doing...when you are going out, and WHO you are going out with....
IF your children are around people they know and love - who they have been AROUND thier whole life (Friends or FAMILY) --- or even babysitters...
Did your children ever have babysitters before? If they did - then having a babysitter is NOT a change.
EVEN if it IS a change - it's NOT as BIG a change as having them SEE a NEW PERSON WITH a parent - in a way they Previously saw ther parents Together - right now.
So why is he concerned with YOU - is he just trying to DISTRACT fron the issue by blame-shifting? Is he taking it as a personal judgment about himself - in terms of who he is with...(He's GOT to get OVER himself then---you dont LIVE your LIFE thinking of WHO he is dating... you dont HAVE to like them)
Does he REALIZE it's probably NOT a good idea now and feeling guilty - but is choosing to do it anyway - and you bringing it up is making him angry so he trys to shift the focus to YOU and YOUR parenting.
Try to deal with each ISSUE Seperatly.
Having a NEW Woman OR Man in the childrens life RIGHT NOW - in THAT WAY - is not a good idea. YET.
Goes for BOTH of you....
What HE brang up --- SO does he not LIKE your children around friends and family that they have KNOWN thier whole life? AND should you - in tern - not want them around HIS Family then also....
THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE. Its STUPID.
Not having gone throught the divorse yet..you two may be fighting. You also are JUST Learning to Parent Seperatly...it's still new.
Maybe a "Parenting without Conflict" class would be good for BOTH of you to go to - to learn how to overcome things like this. Because - this is JUST the beginning...and it could get worse, unless you learn to communicate WITH EACH OTHER so that you can come to AGREEMENTS about this kind of thing and your children...
This is not the first marriage I have been in.
Am well versed in divorce laws, and my undergraduate is in sociology, minor in psych..................am very aware of my rights and I will not settle this time.
And................my brother in law is a lawyer........I research everything before I make a move..........because unlike my STBX, am not going to make a hasty decision based on sex or a convenient piece of ass. Just my two cents worth.
In NC, you have to be separated a year if you have kids, if the divorce is contested, then things could obviously take longer.
I unlike my STBX will not bring a third party around my kids...........this is my STBX weekend with the kids, and yes, I am going out. I have done nothing to confuse my kids..........they do not even know I'm dating, and at this point there is not reason they or their dad needs to know. I'm able to date who I want to........as long as my kids are with a competent person, that's THE ONLY INFORMATION that he would need to know.
And I agree with some of you, it appears that he wants to have his cake and eat it too............I do not think he likes the fact that I have started going out and have a social life. Too damn bad, ..........he made his choices, and unfortunately for him, I not his ass of choice, his girlfriend is........more power to them..........they alot ahead of them, and I do not envy what they have to face.
If you cheat, then guess what.........it comes back on you later on. and that is speaking from both sides of the fence.