Why are you afraid to let go of the pain? Does that mean your marriage is over?

Im a bit confused as to what you're asking. It seems a bit cryptic.

W

not asking anything. if her loved me...he wouldnt have cheated

I too cannot justify if someone loves you how they can lie and betray you

The offenders really don't seem to understand how when you love someone you shouldn't be capable of hurting them. They see it as an "accident", a mistake, and that it has nothing to do with the way they feel about you. But in my experience, and from what I have learned of from others is that the offenders are not emotionally mature, they are only thinking of their own needs when this happens, if they aren't the center of attention for their SO they go look for that attention elsewhere, most times, I don't think they even care about the OW/OM, they only care that their needs are being met.

i think a lot of times we are afraid of letting go of the pain because we think our spouse will forget what they did to us or that they will think we are feeling better so they are "off the hook." truth of the matter is we have to let go of the pain......for ourselves and those who love and care about us. i wish you well.

Shoegoddess said it best. Cheating is a selfish and immature act. He probably meant it when he said he loved you, but conveniently tucked that away in another part of his brain when the organ below the belt took over.

WIW,
I agree with Shoegodess but I also know that letting go of the pain, takes as long as it takes. It also keeps us safe. This trauma is so disorienting to us that without the pain to remind us, I think, we might just go back to them blindly.

I think people do that because REALLY accepting that our spouses values and character are less than..ours..our expectations...our former beliefs...
Is so hard! It literally takes a 180.

I do though, know, that after I accepted that my husband is not like me and is less moral, I began to heal. Fighting that fact, unconciously, took so much effort. But, really, what else is there to believe?

Compartmentalizing is a defense, yes, but we all have defences and we can choose to use them or not.

One of my best defenses is logic, "well he could not do this and love me"! True. In my world, my defintion of love, forbids such callous, selfish, dismisive and cold behavior.

In his world, his needs, he is much more needy of outside validation than I, come first. Wrong? Yes! Fact? Yes!

My husband is reading a book, that J-Girl recommended called, "When Good Men Behave Badly". It explains, from a man's point of view, how looking for "self" outside of yourself, will always lead to disappointment and severe pain.

Some people, have no idea who they are until or unless, someone else is "reflecting back to them".

The book says, we, as wives, cannot meet those needs, because they are excessive. It explains how to begin to make "self" the source of your validation.
Perhaps...then...self wont have to take all of their energy to sustain them and maybe then unselfishness can be born.

Dont really know but a possibility?

wish, i don't know if i have the words to help you feel better, but you have to make a conscious effort not to think of this - it doesn't help, it only makes you hurt more.

I'm new here. But I can tell you that it didn't have anything to do with love. Mens idea of love is different from womens. Women are emotional about everything in their lives but most men aren't. They mostly do what feels good to them. They are visual and we are emotional. Have you ever read the book Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus? It explains the difference between the sexes and how we respond and act to all circumstances.

I loved her. She believed me. She said she loved me. I believed her. We got married, bought a home, and started a family. Thirteen years later she abandoned me and betrayed my trust and our marriage vows ... I still loved her. She believed me. She said she didn't love me anymore. I believed her. It is over and I have accepted it.

It takes time to let go and accept your new life. Best of luck as you start this journey ... whether it leads you back to him or in a completely new direction.

I dont know if I will ever be able to let go of the pain,,but I know that I have used it to make me stronger...I believe I am worth way more than the way she treated me...and she knows that if I even think she is at it again,,,she is out the door,,no questions asked,,,im not afraid to be alone anymore,,,if she wants to cheat then she should be with the person she cheats with,,,not me....