I have been married for almost 12 years, and it has always been a really good marriage. Looking back now, I would say "too good". My husband travels for work, and has for the last 7 years. It isn't consistent, but many weeks he is gone Monday-Friday, others only a few days, and there are times throughout the year he is home for a month or two straight. About 3 weeks ago he was away for work, and I received a text message which said "your roommate is a real sweetheart" and another one right after it that said "thank you for making my time on the road a lot less lonely". I immediately sent him a message asking him why he sent me those messages. He said they were for his coworker, Steve, who he had just met up with for happy hour, and Steve brought his roommates along too. He said Steves roommate was so funny and she just made a fun ending to a really stressful work day, and that was it. i was very upset by the message and told him how inappropriate his words were, and I would not tolerate him speaking to or about another woman like that. He assured me he understood, promised he wouldn't every do anything like that again, and swore he would never cheat on me or do anything to complicate our lives. That was how he always spoke about cheating, he would never ever complicate our lives or hurt me in that way. So I believed his explanation for the text, since I never had any reason not to trust him. My gut instinct had me on guard, from then on. At home he was acting a little different...but not too much. He bought cologne, the kind I used to love on him, which he hasn't worn in years. He asked ME to buy him new boxers and undershirts, but I thought nothing of this because he switched his boxer style a few months ago after his vasectomy, and I commented back then how much I liked the new style..so I assumed he wanted more of those to impress me. He was buying new clothes and really concerned about he was dressing for work, but he has always cared about his clothes...so I really thought nothing of that either. A couple weeks go by, and he comes home and we are intimate on a Friday night. It was very passionate, much more kissing than usual. The next day, he couldn't eat, was shaking, and kept encouraging me to go out alone and have some "time to myself". That is when I knew something was going on. I asked him what was up, he just said he was stressed about work. The next day, we were sitting on the couch and I glanced over at him deleting text messages. I saw one that said something to the affect of "keep me out of it, talk to her directly". I asked him who it was from and what it was, and he came up with some story about how there was a whole bunch of work drama following the Christmas Party a few weeks ago. I told him to let me see the thread. It was from a woman. I scrolled up and I saw a message he sent to her that said "by the way, you look adorable today". I freaked out, and told him he better tell me what the hell was going on. He assured me it was nothing, she was having a bad day and he was just being nice. He apologized for hurting me or making me think I couldn't trust him, and for talking inappropriately to a woman. He again said he hadn't cheated on me, and never ever would. We went downstairs and about 20 minutes later I asked him some questions about the night I got those odd texts from him. I asked him things about his coworker steve and his roommates....he couldn't remember the lies he told me the first time, his story changed, and he was caught. I told him to get his ass up to our bedroom, give me his phone, and start talking. He spilled it all, said he went out after the work Christmas party ( I couldn't go because we didn't have a babysitter for the weekend) and his boss put him in charge of making sure everyone got back to the hotel ok. He was with a group of people, having a great time, and he was sober. He helped get a 25 year old coworker back to her hotel room, went into the room with her because she was extremely intoxicated, ordered her food from room service, and she came on to him and started kissing his neck. He said he told her she probably didn't want to do that, but he didn't stop her. He said he messed around with her that night, but there was never intercourse. He sent her messages the next day, and they carried on text messaging for the next week while he was in a different state working. He saw her again the next time he was in town, a week later and they had dinner and went to happy hour together. Nothing happened that week. The next week they both went to a different state for a conference and he went to her hotel room and performed oral sex on her. She confirms all of his stories, and from the text messages I read, he was doing most of the chasing of her. I am shocked and devastated beyond belief. We had (or so i thought) a really great marriage. We loved deeply. We have 2 children. I was and have always been a REALLY great wife, and I can say that with complete confidence. He says he had a lapse of insanity. He got stuck in between his home life and work life. He was lonely being gone so much. She made him feel young. He was stuck in it and didn't know how to get out. He says he wants to be married to me, more than anything else. But he won't leave his job. His career means everything to him, and apparently more than me. I am a stay at home mom, but I have my teaching degree. I want to be married to him, but i feel like I don't know him any more. The man I knew would never have done this to me and our family. Ever. I am confused and scared. We are seeing a counselor together and separately. She says she believes he is truly sorry and remorseful, but has some major depression issues and shit to work out from his past. I feel like there is no good decision. How will I ever trust him again? I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I am trying to be normal in the house when he is here, because I just don't know how to be a mean angry person. But I don't want him to think he is getting off easy. All I want to do is be close to him, and we have been having sex like crazy, and it's better than ever..and it was really good before. I feel like I'm a crazy person on a rollercoaster of emotions. I have shared with two close friends, but neither have been through something like this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I know he loves me, and he feels pain for what he did. But I truly don't think he gets it. If he did, he would leave that job. He says he has to support our family, and if he leaves, his name will be ruined in the industry for breaking his word/contract. Help!
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