My h and I are in another argument, and not surprisingly, it's always over the OW or his affair. We never argue about anything else - just this one topic.

Our recent issue is that I came to the realization that he never once stood up to her during their affair, and allowed some truly horrific things to happen. It began to wear on me that she still thinks she calls the shots in all of our lives, and I voiced this concern to him. He's done well with understanding, being very sympathetic, and even came back with the idea that he would write her a "kiss off" letter. I was very impressed about the idea, and he wrote it. It was a very good letter, other than he sounded like a parrot, talking about me the whole time. Not what the affair did to him - but all about me. I felt like he was just trying to win points, rather than being sincere.

But I needed to push him further, so I asked him if he would ever entertain the possibility of standing face to face to her and telling her to f*ck off, once and for all. He became nervous and started throwing out all of these lame excuses for why he wouldn't do it. He doesn't want to spend the money to travel. He doesn't like confrontations. He doesn't want her to ever "see" him again. On and on and on.

I was dumbfounded, and really am worried that he's intimidated by her, like as if he gets around her, he'll fall back into the affair. Now I'm wondering if his hesitation to move back to our home state (where she is) has a lot to do with this, and what this means for me. I was telling him all of this, while trying not to get confrontational, and he came back with, "I'm a non-confrontational person!"

Really? He has no problem confronting me about my crimes, whatever they may be at the time. But he's right - he won't confront his father, whom he has a very love/hate relationship with, he won't confront the OW, who thinks she ruled his life, he won't confront his bosses at work - no one - not his friends, not his family, not one single person... but me.

What does that say for me, then? That I'm some scumbag he could care less about? I'm beginning to really think that all of this - this whole reconciliation - has been about him keeping his children. And he is a good father. And after that, for all that I've done for him; put him back in the good graces with his family, help him with his second career, help him save face to our children, etc. But he only puts out enough effort with me to keep the peace; afterall, I provide a valuable service. I cook for him, care for his home, keep his children, and soon, I'll be making more money than he does in his career, which he'll enjoy spending.

But to go the extra mile for me? He won't. He says all the words in the world, but when I ask him just to entertain the possibility of meeting her head on, looking her in the eye, and telling her to back off - knowing it might finally make her understand she has no place in our lives - he acts like a freak and starts backpeddling.

Am I wrong for asking him to go there? Am I wrong for feeling like I reside at the bottom of the totem pole, as far as those who matter to him?

And more importantly, how do we stop arguing about her, and just focus on our lives? If she doesn't come up, we live a near perfect existence.

I'm sick of fighting, and for the first time, am seriously entertaining the prospect of leaving him - just to stop the arguing. To gain perspective, we argue over this, on average, once every six weeks or so. Lately, it's been more for some reason and I feel like I've regressed like a thousand steps in my healing.

This morning I was so angry - just like in the early days - and I'm sitting in our bedroom trying to garner enough compassion for him to pick up the huge mess I created when I decided to empty all of his drawers out and rip up all of the cards and letters I've ever given him. But another part of me doesn't want to touch it, and let him deal with the consequences of being such a coward.

I just don't know if I'll ever get over the anger, or get over his passive, non-confrontational attitude about us and his history.

Help?