Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been a member for awhile but have only posted one other topic. I guess I feel intimidated because I am the cheater. I read some of the posts and realize that asking for support here is a risky business. I am in such pain though that I have to at least try.
I thought that things would eventually get easier for my husband and I but so far they haven't gotten that much easier. We have good days and we have horrendous ones. I do everything I can do to prove I will never cheat again but it doesn't seem to matter. It has been almost three years. Granted, the first two we spent with our heads in the sand. My husband was molested as a child and was in therapy for that. It was only after he faced that and moved on that we began to deal with the infidelity.
He has such anger with me that I don't really know how to deal with it. We have been married for 15 years..since we were 19. He left me once when we were 22...I did not cheat then, it was just growing pains I guess...we got back together two years later. Our separation hurt me so badly that it took me years not to feel anger towards him about it. I have always had a low self esteem and after that I think I found it harder to believe that he loved me.
I know there are many people just waiting to jump all over me about my infidelity but the truth is, you can't make me hate myself more than I do already. My husband genuinely loves me, he even admires many things about me that I can't bring myself to admire...and I cheated on him. I did it, not because he wasn't enough, but because I felt like our marriage wasn't working and I didn't feel strong enough to leave without someone waiting for me. That is the sad truth...I guess the question is...why didn't I go through with it then? I realized that I couldn't walk away from him even though there was so much messed up. He has always had a drinking problem, a serious one. I could never count on him to be there when he said he would. I understand him though. I know why he drinks...it runs in his family. There is so much more to him than the drinking.. He is one of the best soldiers and men I have ever known. I realized being without him would be like cutting off my arm.
He knows about the cheating. He hates himself for staying with me but knows he would be miserable without me. I just don't know what to do at this point. The one thing I do know is as hard as things get I never think about cheating or finding a "back up plan." I think about how I would make it logistically on my own. I pray that we can make it. We have such a history. His drinking is still a major issue except now he has justification for it. It mostly seems like I have no right to say anything--I am scared to.
I know this seems like rambling. It is. I just felt like venting. For those of you that have been cheated on, I feel badly for you. I don't know that your perspective will help me though. I don't feel like I need any more condemnation. I just wonder if there is anyone out there with a story like this that can give me hope?
I thought that things would eventually get easier for my husband and I but so far they haven't gotten that much easier. We have good days and we have horrendous ones. I do everything I can do to prove I will never cheat again but it doesn't seem to matter. It has been almost three years. Granted, the first two we spent with our heads in the sand. My husband was molested as a child and was in therapy for that. It was only after he faced that and moved on that we began to deal with the infidelity.
He has such anger with me that I don't really know how to deal with it. We have been married for 15 years..since we were 19. He left me once when we were 22...I did not cheat then, it was just growing pains I guess...we got back together two years later. Our separation hurt me so badly that it took me years not to feel anger towards him about it. I have always had a low self esteem and after that I think I found it harder to believe that he loved me.
I know there are many people just waiting to jump all over me about my infidelity but the truth is, you can't make me hate myself more than I do already. My husband genuinely loves me, he even admires many things about me that I can't bring myself to admire...and I cheated on him. I did it, not because he wasn't enough, but because I felt like our marriage wasn't working and I didn't feel strong enough to leave without someone waiting for me. That is the sad truth...I guess the question is...why didn't I go through with it then? I realized that I couldn't walk away from him even though there was so much messed up. He has always had a drinking problem, a serious one. I could never count on him to be there when he said he would. I understand him though. I know why he drinks...it runs in his family. There is so much more to him than the drinking.. He is one of the best soldiers and men I have ever known. I realized being without him would be like cutting off my arm.
He knows about the cheating. He hates himself for staying with me but knows he would be miserable without me. I just don't know what to do at this point. The one thing I do know is as hard as things get I never think about cheating or finding a "back up plan." I think about how I would make it logistically on my own. I pray that we can make it. We have such a history. His drinking is still a major issue except now he has justification for it. It mostly seems like I have no right to say anything--I am scared to.
I know this seems like rambling. It is. I just felt like venting. For those of you that have been cheated on, I feel badly for you. I don't know that your perspective will help me though. I don't feel like I need any more condemnation. I just wonder if there is anyone out there with a story like this that can give me hope?
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
Excusing his drinking is not good for either of you. Even if he is acting as though, due to your colossal sin, you have no right to say anything about anything. No marriage can survive that way. That is not a real relationship.
You both have problems and weaknesses like everyone else. From your post your feelings sound very strong. I hope he is holding up his end on that commitment. If he is, you have a good chance.
But you must get to the bottom of WHY , so you can start healing...
Hugs to you!
It will be hard to move forward in any positive direction while your H continues to drink in such a major way. He cannot use your cheating as an excuse to justify his drinking, and until he stops doing this, you will not be able to deal with the issues in a constructive way.
Whist I understand that to lose him would be like losing your right arm, sometimes we have to let go of what we love the most, in order for both them, and us, to move forward and make the most of our lives.
If he would go to counselling with you then I would certainly give it a try, as you are certainly going to need some help to work things through. All the best.
It sounds like your H has a lot of issues. He needs to deal with his alcoholism, that is a very major problem. My husband was also sexually abused as a child. He has never really dealt with it, but has recently started therapy to deal with all of his many issues.
Sounds like you and I have something in common. So I am going to give you the same advice I give myself. Act, don't react. Make decisions that are healthy for you and not just him. Live your life. And by that I mean, your own separate life, not your life as his wife!
Have you considered therapy for yourself? The best of good luck to you!