What is wrong with me? Tonight I lost it in front of my mother. As many of you know my brother and his 18 y/o girlfriend/sleeping buddy are expecting a child. They annouched their wonderful news to me a few hours after my twin boys passed as I lay on the labor and delivery table. Tonight they called me mom because they wanted her to ask me when I found out the sex of the boys because she had an US today and they couldn't see the sex. First of all, leave me the hell alone. Right now I don't give a crap about either of you or your child. She doesn't work lives with her mother, doesn't have health insurance or her driver's license. My brother is 26, lives at her girlfriend's mtoehr's house, has already filed bankruptcy and averages about 5-6 jobs a year because he keeps getting fired. He assures us it is never his fault. BTW they are both very unhealthy and she drank alot prior to conceiving. I'll never understand why I can't get pregnant and I do all the right things but I digress. Anyway my mom was excited and telling me that they are all excited about the baby. I lost it. I have held it in long enough. They are around me everyday. I can't take them rubbing the pregnancy in my face any longer. My mother called me a bitch because I said I was pissed off at God because I couldn't understand why he had to make me suffer from IF and them turn around and take away my boys. Then he gives my loser brother and his loser girlfriend a kid. I'm telling you she is a welfare mom in the making. I guarantee she has at least 3 kids before she is 20. My mother is pissed because I am not excited or happy for them. Does she not understand that I am still grieving my sons. It has only been 2 months. I also have terrible thoughts regarding her (the gf) and I worry that God will punish me and I will never have another child because I am jealous. I feel so lost right now. I swear I am a good person. I don't know how to get past this. My delivery date is approaching and I can't handle this. I feel as though I could just crawl in a hole sometimes. How do I know that God won't punish me and how do I make these bad thoughts stop? God forgive me but I wanted her to miscarry. How awful an I? I know the pain of losing a child and would never wish that on any of you or anyone else in this world. So why do I wish it on them? Please help me.
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