Infertility, Secondary Support Group

"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.

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/ Infertility, Secondary Support Group

a term for what i'm going through!

deleted_user
deleted_user
i just found out today that there is actually a term for someone who has had a child, but is unable to conceive another AND that there are a set of emotions that go along with this condition! I am 42 (almost 43) with an almost 2 year old daughter. Having her was the most joyful and extraordinary thing that has ever happened to me even though i didn't think i ever wanted children. So, to be wishing every day that i could have another and experience all the wonderful things i have so far with my daughter is surprising and saddening. i have been trying to think of ways to move on, resolve these feelings of sadness, longing and incompleteness, and deal with the feelings of envy and isolation. i don't think, at my age, having my own biological child is going to happen, since we've been trying the last year and nothing has happened. Also, there are so many risks now to myself and a baby that it feels like it may be too big a risk to take anyway. i never thought i would feel this way ... i thought one child would be enough for me. every day my daughter moves further away, every new development feels like a loss despite my intense love for her and the joy of watching her grow. Knowing that everything i have experienced and will experience with her is for that last time is SO painful. it hurts when i think about when she was a newborn and those magical days of being in a cocoon with my new baby. i can't go back there! Yet, when i went to talk to a therapist about it, she said i should be happy that i have my daughter. ohhhh.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well you've come to the right place. I know your pain and the secondary infertility community has helped me and continues to help me with my own grief around having another child. It seems only those of us in it get it. I've heard of a few people having disappointing encounters with counselors. I did - she tried to get it but really couldn't identify with how IF affects my whole life and how it is a fight to keep my head above water. I have drowned once with IF and don't want to again. I'm not happy about my situation but I guess I have more acceptance these days - still with the usual mix of feelings coming up though!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for all of your pain. I understand what you are saying-- as my 3 year old has hit each milestone lately, I have felt such sadness. No more diapers was supposed to be exciting, not sad! Sorry your therapist doesn't get it. Have you tried a therapist through a fertility clinic? Even if you decide not to pursue fertility treatments, often the clinics have people who specialize in dealing with the emotions that go along with it. Good luck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We are with you in your pain. I'm sorry you had such an unsupportive experience in therapy. While you clearly got an unprofessional therapist with your first try, it can be helpful with the right practioner. I was in therapy for six months while I was grieving and healing from my miscarriages. My therapist was a licensed psychologist specializing in reproductive health issues. She never judged me but helped me develop coping strategies and process my grief. This site and perhaps a local support group may also help you work through your feelings. I wish you the very best on your journey.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you all for your support. Your suggestions to look for a therapist through a fertility clinic is very helpful. I will do that. :)
Babywishes
Babywishes
Even though I knew before I had any children that I wanted more than one, actually experiencing the tremendous feelings of love & happiness with my first child did strengthen my desire & longing for another. This is something a lot of women with Primary Infertility do not understand. It is unfortunate that anyone would attack us for wanting another child. In my opinion, it is such a good thing to have children when we have the means to care for them, when we are the kind of women that will give them the love they deserve. Best wishes to you. I hope you can find the peace you are searching for.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think we can all relate to this. I am so sad and scared of the idea that I won't get to go through each stage that I'm going through with my son just one more time. I've been TTC baby #2 for 2 years now, and time doesn't seem to make it any easier. We are all in this community for that very reason. I'm sorry for your pain. As more time goes on, we have been considering adoption b/c I really want to go through most of the stages again, even if I can't go through childbirth again.

P.S.What a mean therapist. I hope you can find a better one!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had a therapist to help me through my recent m/c back in Feb. She didn't get what I was going through either, so I stopped going to her after my husband attended one of our sessions. We got into a HUGE fight after our session because of resentment of pass issues and dealing with our current infertility issues. It was tough to go through. I've gone back to that therapist because it only brought pain and resentment into our marriage. I think if this therapist understood what IF was like we might of had a different outcome.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry, I meant to say that after that session with that therapist I DIDNT go back to her!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I, too, feel your pain and hope you find some small measure of comfort here. It is not easy to deal with disappointment. I have found comfort in realizing that there are many women here who do understand me. I've learned that only those who have experienced this really understand, though there are many others who are sympathetic and kind. I'm sorry you heard that from your therapist.
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