Hello. I am new to this board. My dad died earlier this month, and I am deciding to revisit this painful topic. My first visit was maybe 25 years ago, when I was in my early 30s. My sister was dealing with lots of mental/physical health issues, and asked me if I remembered incidents of childhood sexual abuse. I didn't have memories, per se, but her inquiry lead my down a rabbit hole of anxiety and paranoia. This was during a time of frequent TV discussions on repressed memories (early 1990s).
For six months, I was a wreck. I made decisions that I regret, causing damage to close relationships. I worked with a therapist for 3 years, and slowly regained my mental/physical health. The whole thing sowed the seeds for my eventual divorce from my first husband. I never had clear memories of abuse (i.e. rape), but I did feel (in my tummy) discomfort around my dad. My sister never revealed to me anything about herself and her perceptions. I decided to put it all aside. To be honest, I just wanted my life back.
I re-entered this topic about 5-6 years ago. My second husband was finally coming to terms with the fact that his boy scout leader was sexually abusive toward him. We went to couples therapy to work on this together, and I started my own therapy again. My focus, at that time, was on my breakdown and how that had impacted my family and myself. Again, I didn't want to dig around in the past. I wanted to keep steady.
Now that my dad died, I feel a relief. Because whatever I discover... well, I don't need to talk with him about it.
As I said, I don't have rape memories, but some weird stuff happened. I am starting to realize that sexual abuse doesn't have to be rape to be disturbing. That is certainly the case for my H's situation with his boy scout leader. Maybe my discomfort and distrust of my father is based on sexually inappropriate behavior?
I really have no idea how im feeling. Parts me is ok, parts not ok. I switch between the two so easy. I am diagnosed as emotional unstable personality disorder and autism. I think having the autism makes it harder to identify feelings and why im feeling them. Ive not a clue what my triggers are. Im nearly 30 id of thought id some kinda clue by now. I want to get serious about becoming well and...
Sorry folks, looking for support. Trying very hard not to cut. It’s been 8 months. It’s all I can think about while I sit here crying. Dealing with a lot. Tough EMDR with a tough target where I was most depressed. Also, dealing with my younger two daughters being terrified to be away from me after staying with their father. He let them watch a disturbing tv show where a mother...