i cant say that I’m a survivor of incest but I’m not really sure what other groups to go in. Please don’t attack me. It all started when I was about 5. I lived alone with my mom, and my older brother by one year would come over every other week because his dad had custody of him. One day we were playing hide and go seek and he kissed me. I didn’t stop it. This happened often, he would leave and come back in two weeks and we’d make out. This is where things got really bad for me. I became really promiscuous, making out and touching every guy I could. Years passed with this same behavior. Worst of all I abused my little brother. He was 5 and I was 13. I believe it happened twice; he would sleep in my bed and then I would touch him. I’m so glad it didnt go on longer. I’m glad I stopped it but it never should’ve started. My older brother comes in and out of my life until the age of 15. things get progressively more sexual and we basically almost had sex. Naked and touching eaching other; also oral. He would try to penetrate me but my body wouldn’t allow me. Sorry for all the details, I just want to explain. One day afterwards I asked him if he was gay and he told me no he just liked how it felt. In that moment, it hit me that I was being used. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I realized that what we were doing was wrong and I decided to stop it. I feel like it slapped me into reality and I’m thankful for that. I didn’t initiate anything nor did I put out any vibes, and it all just stopped. Now I’m 26 and I’m riddled with guilt. I haven’t had a relationship and have no friends. I haven’t talked to my older brother in years. He does call though to talk to my mom and little sister though. I wrote him a long letter when I was 18 because I was going to college to study psychology and I knew i needed to move past this. I told him I was sorry for my part in all of it and that I needed to move on. I told him I didn’t blame him. He blocked and deleted me from Facebook. I guess he wasn’t ready to talk about it; i get that. I know I need to talk to him one day so that I can have closure. I know that things were going on when he was living with his dad and he saw a lot of things he shouldn’t have at a young age. He basically just experimented with me. Again I dont blame him and can’t because I never said no although I should’ve. School was going terribly for me, no friends, bullied from and early age, and I really think I felt like someone was finally paying attention to me and giving me the attention I craved. I think that’s why I didn’t stop it. Also I want to be completely honest; I enjoyed it. That sounds so sad and horrible and I’m not trying to play the victim it just makes me sad to think that I felt like that at 15 and it helps me to see why I let it continue. I wish I could just move on. I could never forgive myself for what I did to my little brother. He was just an innocent victim; I’m supposed to protect him. Instead I took advantage. I wish it had just stopped at me. He’s 19 now, the kind of guy anyone would be proud of and we’re very close but if the day comes when he decides to confront me about what I did to him; I won’t run away. I’ll apologize and listen and hope that he’ll still want a relationship with me. Even at the older age of 13, I understand that I was repeating a cycle of what happened in my life with my older brother but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. Ive thought I was a pedophile for what I did but I don’t really think that’s it. That word hurts and confuses me because I did that to my little brother at 13. I’m uncomfortable around guys even though that’s who I’m attracted to, and also uncomfortable around children although I want kids. I used to be so good with kids. I’ve never had any positive male role models and all the guys who’ve come into my life have sucked. I had a stepdad and he basically didn’t bother with me for the 15 years he was in my life. Oh well right. Sometimes I think I’m meant to just be alone forever. I’ve contemplated suicide multiple times and tried to commit suicide 3, but I’ve realized that’s not the solution. I have to face my problems and be there for my family. Suicide would be easy and it wouldn’t be right. I’ve been able to accept the events of my life but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to move past them. When I think about my past, all I see is a really sad disturbing childhood. I want to go back to college. I want to help other people but I know before I can become who I’m supposed to be and move forward, I have to deal with the past. I also want to have a relationship but I do feel unworthy at times, like I’m damaged, unlovable or broken. I want to feel hopeful. I want friends. I’ve been alone for so long. In a way I may be punishing myself and whose to say I don’t deserve it. I would like advice or support but I know I’m unlikely to get any. All I can say is that I’m a very different person from that young boy.
I have felt monitored for a long time. Fear has been a huge factor in my life since 1999. I have nothing to hide. Yet people feel the need to punish me and trick me. I have had more done to me, than I ever did to anyone else. This is the truth.
Please call me Andy. I'm dx'd with situational PTSD, beginning Feb. 2nd 2018. At that time my wife of 24 years died as I was administering CPR. The first few days and weeks were indescribable. I have no idea, looking back, how I survived. Now it's Feb. again, and it's like wave after wave of intensely tangled emotions, and near panic every morning. By afternoon I'm exhausted and...