The last time I saw my T she asked me to write a letter to my dad telling him how I felt about what he did because I'm unable to feel anything towards him. I laughed when she said it because I didn't think I'd be able to ever blame him. But last night I was really upset and I decided to try. And I ended up writing a letter! It was more like I was telling him what I wished he was rather then saying how I felt about what he did. But in the end I ended up blaming him for the first time and truly meaning it. It felt so good that I thought that I had started something and soon I'd be okay again. But today was a different story. I'm still getting loads of flashbacks which make me irrationally fearful all the time. I'm so twitchy and jumpy. I hate it. And now I don't want to blame him, because it's so much easier and makes so much more sense to blame myself. Most people disagree, but I see it that because it happened with 2 different people in different countries (hence no link between them) there must be something I do. I feel like just as I make it up one small hill I fall right back down again!
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