Yup, did the same thing with my dad. He's a community icon and some people saw through all of the shit and saw how screwed up I was from him. I'm still really screwed up, but I don't and won't play into it anymore.

I can't describe how much punishment I've put upon myself to pay for this, dumb I know, wasn't my fault in the first place.

It gets very confusing.I was made to live in the corrals of my father's cattle ranch with one of my preps (long story) i used to tell him to LEAVE at the top of my lungs.....He wouldn't but there was a part of me not that i wanted him to stay but if he left i knew i was going to have to live in that warehouse alone and that was very scary...............

At times i did not know which was the worse of the two evils.And i knew i could not count on anyone even though my father was less than a mile away, living in luxury with the rest of the family.......

Every situation is different and so complex and so difficult for children in their formative years to know how to act...........I guess they try to make sense and incorporate the most difficult of situations like is nothing to survive......

Elaborating on my earlier response I think fear is fine its part of the survival, and so are the actions that stem from it. Did I choose to be raped? Hell to the no, I was powerless to stop it and I responded with fear. And survival is unbelievably hard, but since I survived I developed the strength to tell my story, and to develop courage. Not the cute kind of courage like going into the fire to save someone and be praised for it, but the kind that transcends fear and abuse. The courage that we have now to speak our truth despite the shame, and I think its an ongoing healing, and to sustain this feeling of freedom and empowerment is hard, very hard. It is an enormous moment to moment challenge, but if we were weak cowards we would not be facing the crappiest of the crap emotions. So there is no point to continue kicking ourselves in the nuts metaphorically speaking, for the survival actions we endure from ourselves and our abusers. Bottom line is we used the power we had and it got us this far.

Sure did get Stockholm Syndrome, and many of those feelings persist. It's horrible. Patrick Carnes writes about trauma bonds. He makes so much sense. You're definitely not alone in this.

I am in the process of getting over my offender after 17 years... i sent him a letter and he wrote me back and asked him to answer questions which he didnt and he asked me not to contact him which broke my heart...i have always defended him, and he talked about his shame and that he was sorry...but if he was truly sorry he would answer my quesions.....but that doesnt stop me from loving him...i am trying to get my case file so i can trigger my anger...the way you feel is normal and you did what you had to do to survive....you did a good job now what i have been told i dont need to use that survival tool anymore... if you need anything you can write...

I think Stockholm Syndrome is pretty normal where there is no escape.
What really suck is that in the end escaping the syndrome is harder than escaping the abuser. Just knowing that that's what causes the feelings isn't enough.

yes, ive made a post about this in the past. i was told by the police i have been and maybe still am going through it at times. dunno really what to say but i think it might sort of be natural cos ur brain wants to protect u and make u believe that someone who should love u and not hurt you does. abusers also play a very good game/twist on you that makes you believe they are just doing good by you and love u.

I believe that I did. I was abused by two of my older brothers.One was cold and very abusive the other turned it into something like a relationship. He told me it was the world that was fucked up. That it shouldnt matter because he loved me. I believed him. I thought it was love. I even got jealous when he would try and date girls at our school. He kept me isolated for a few years during but one girl at school with a crazy attitude wouldnt let me keep dodging her and forced her way into my life. After hanging out with her and getting some space away from my brothers I stared to see the truth. The abuse started when I was 14 and it took me 3 years to fight back. it ended when I turned 18 and they both moved out of state. I really believed what he was telling me. That the rest of the world was messed up. I think this part of the whole thing is what I punish myself over the most. That I went along with it for so long before I fought back.

I can relate to that. Based on what I remember, it fits with my coping mechanisms as a toddler and how I was raised (to respect elders and that men were more important than women, adults more important than children). My abuser was known to say 'children should be seen and not heard.' part of his don't tell our secret game probably. he was one bad person. then I replayed patterns as an adult and in my marriage was sexually abused but never really questioned it. i told him how I felt but as soon as he talked about his needs, his feelings, his desires, I tried to frame my life around what he wanted. looking back, I lost my integrity completely and lived by his "values" which weren't values at all, just his selfish sick fantasies. what saved me primarily was knowing I had more money and therefore options. I finally reached out for help and as soon as I did so many people were there for me it was overwhelmingly good. they had no idea of the sexual abuse but had seen other things that troubled them. anyway I am rambling but what I wanted to say remember that we cope the best we can - first instinct is survival, whether physical emotional or whatever. it is only when we are in a safe place that we can realize what happened and heal. the hardest part for me has been forgiving myself for how I coped in my marriage - as a toddler, obviously I had no choices but as an adult, I made choices I have had a difficult time accepting. What I have been thinking about lately is "cherish myself" and it has been helping. respecting ourselves and loving ourselves might be the most important part of healing.