II tell myself everyday I am not less than. Then I let someone say things, and I should say that is not safe for me. They want me to go see my cousin (daghter of perpertrator), because she has alzhiemers and not long to live. I cant do that, she told me a few years ago that my low self esteem is why I was abused. He was 400 lbs and started on me as a toddler until I turned 13. Her words also saying that I didnt fight back, cut like a razor cut. I cannot forgive her for being so mean about the abuse, my brother caught him once. But my uncle didnt stop just made sure he could do it without being seen. Most of my cousins were also abused and the majority understands. If they can stomach her then go for it, just dont hold it against me. I dont seem to get much better, thoughts and flashbacks and all the nightmares get worse when family thinks of the ones who hurt me first. I feel so less than today, I wish her no harm but to me she is on her own. I would be a hipocrite to tell her I care. I know it isnt good but I am shutting down just too much junk in my head. I want to scream for the evil to leave me alone.
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