Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group and find support.

3 Online
3 Online

How do you deal with incest if you caused it?

Is there anyone else that caused then incest to happen. One counselor said that I am going to be punished by God becuase even if my dad didn't know better I did. I was also told by another counselor that if I would have wanted it to stop I was smart enough to have told a teacher or somebody. I never ran away, was a good student, can't even remember ever telling him no. I also liked the attention. Can remember when little would snuggle up to him when he would carry me back to his bedroom and I knew why he got me. He is dead now and I still can smell and feel him and just want to know how to deal with things. I know it isn't abuse since I caused it and most places all assume was abuse. Was told by a counselor that I was the one that taught him and was responsible if he did it to anyone else. I am no longer seeing any counselor.

If there are books or something that would also be helpful, but most all seem to assume abuse and that isn't my case.

If you don't want me here because I am guilty when I know most people are not that is fine. Just let me know.

Replies

ThumbelinaBlue
ThumbelinaBlue

No, you should be here. I know just what you are going through. I also never said no, never stopped it, and I knew better. But I liked the attention that my grandfather gave me.
I don't know what kind of counselors you were seeing, but they are wrong for doing that. Your dad did know better. It was his responsibility too. I don't care what you've been told...it was abuse even if you believe it is your fault. A weed doesn't change into a rose just because it is in a flower bed. Anything sexual with a child is abuse, not matter who is to blame.
Your counselors also abused you when you needed someone to understand the most.
P.S. If you ever need or want to talk to someone, just send me a message.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Your counselor is mistaken. It is never a child's fault!!!!!! I felt 100% to blame for what happened too. I was wrong. The truth is there is never a reason for an adult to sexually molest a child or teenager... not even if your dad was mentally unstable, had no other sexual outlet, or had a brain injury. He is fully responsible for your abuse.

** Spiritual opinion follows **

There is only one unforgiveable sin and that is if you reject Jesus Christ to save you from your sins. If you ask him to be your savior and turn away from sinning, then you can be sure that Jesus paid the penalty on the cross for you. God is never mad at his children. While on earth we do suffer consequences of our actions (like those scars if you cut or burn) but you will NOT suffer eternal punishment. No matter what you believe about the abuse Jesus says come as you are...because he loves you and doesn't want you to suffer punishment. He is faithful to forgive every sin as far as the east is from the west (and the east & west never meet so you know it is completely forgiven). You can live in freedom. Send me a note if you want to know more.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It was not just one counselor. The first one I saw whose refused to see me anymore said she had been in the field over 20 years. Her manager had me go to the rape sexual assualt part of their company and I saw the adult person who said it wasn't my fault but was new to counseling. When she left she had me go to the child abuse person who had been with the company over ten years, don't know how long a counselor, but is one that said that I would be punished by God and how it was a sin and I never stopped it and things. She also wanted me to go to her church and told me that the adult sexual assuat person only said it wasn't my fault becuase that was what she had been taught to say. For various reasons I stopped seeing her and went to another person who is with another company and has been there over 34 years and said that I was responsible. They can't all be wrong. I guess if I wasn't at fault then I would have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed of what I did. My mom would take me to my dad when I was maybe 3 so somehow she must have known I wanted it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I do want to thank both of your for your responses and I know that I seem to be in the minority for being responsible. I just don't think all the counselors with so much experience can be wrong. They would never have kept their jobs and I was paying them for their judgment so need to go by what they say they work in the field every day.
ThumbelinaBlue
ThumbelinaBlue

Counselors are human too. They can make mistakes. Do you think that doctors are always right? Many times the ones with the most experience may overlook a symptom because they are used to being right. I've been to many specialists and nearly retired doctors and all of them misdiagnosed me. But it took one new doctor to actually get it right and get me on the right medication. And the new doctor, who was the only one who insisted that it wasn't what the others were saying...he was right! My good health now proves it. I'm just saying that just because multiple therapists have told you that it is your fault, doesn't mean that they are right. Please try to be open to the fact that maybe they might be wrong if only because they are human too.
deleted_user
deleted_user

The truth about guilt...

There's two kinds. One is good guilt which leads to change. If you recognize you've done something wrong, this kind of guilt pulls you to making better choices and you find freedom.

The other kind is bad guilt (false guilt) which is very difficult for some people to spot. There is often no relief when you're experiencing false guilt because you're consumed with believing the lie. Instead of leading you to freedom, bad guilt consumes you and you're led deep into depression and self-hatred. The only way to move on is to accept the truth of the matter.

I believe, without a doubt, that you're experiencing FALSE GUILT. Feel free to send a message & we can talk more. I'd like to talk with you more about it. I can't fathom why anyone would believe a child was at fault!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

PLEASE,PLEASE you have to report these "councelors" they are WRONG.Is NEVER a child's fault , NEVER.

Please if you do not want to report them TELL ME i will.In a proper manner.They are HURTING people not just you.If they are telling survivors what they told you they are hurting them and abusing them ALLOVER.

"If your dad didn't know it was wrong" Of course you father knew, is NOT your fault and they are as evil as your father for telling you that.
They are sick.And they shoud be reported.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Do you really think a 3 year old wants sex? or to be molested?

Those people that told you that is your fault that you caused it and wahtever they told you should have their lic revoked and they should NOT be alllowed to work in the field....................

My god i have never heard such thing and they are sick and twisted.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You said that you were responsible if he did it to anyone else. That is a lie! He was responsible for his own actions. He had a choice. He could have let you snuggle in his arms and tickled you or told you stories. He could have held you protectively. He could have just let you snuggle in his arms and be safe and warm.

I know it hurts to face the truth but only believing the truth will set you free. Your dad loved you in the wrong, harmful way! It's never natural, right, or loving for a parent to carry his child to his bedroom for his own sick pleasure.
deleted_user
deleted_user

There is NO way that you could have caused this! Ever! Even if you asked for it...your father was the adult and he knew better! No parent should ever be sexual with their own offspring. If any counselor ever suggested such nonsense to me...I'd spit in their face and walk out of their office! You should report them for saying that. They are NOT professionals!
Two books that helped me heal and place the blame where it belonged are Courage to Heal and Toxic Parents.
I also like Surviving with Serenity by T. Thomas to get me through each day.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It sounds like your counselor is from one of the church designated counseling setups. It's all about holding the congregation together and stuff like that. I've seen some pretty compelling and horrifying videos about abuse that goes on in so called Christian families. I'm not denying that there are true Christians, but this kind of thing needs to stop. It ruins generations of children by putting the blame on them. Counselors are set up in order to keep this sort of thing under wraps and out of the media, so as to not draw attention to the church and the horror that goes on in many of them. I'm not saying that the church is bad. People make it bad. Let me say this, if your dad hadn't put you in that spot, it wouldn't have happened, so how could it be your fault? Any adult having sex with or molesting a child in any way is wrong. Period! Children haven't gained the control to make the right decisions, even if they know something is wrong. That's why it's illegal. If you have the ability to watch videos online, I'll find a link for you to watch at least one video, where this sort of hogwash is exposed. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and Tootie is right, these so called counselors need to be reported to your state or county officials. If they are licensed, they need to have their licenses taken away. You have a home with us here. We want to help you feel better about yourself. You ARE a good person. don't let anyone tell you any different!
deleted_user
deleted_user

My children wanted to go play in traffic, too. I didn't win any popularity contests when I stopped them. Parenting is not about winning popularity contests. Nor is it about further complicating their lives with perversions of the parent-child relationship. It is up to the parent to be the grown up. A child is NOT qualified for the job.

Welcome aboard, notinnocent. We are all guilty and innocent of something and here is one of many good places to sort it all out. Don't let a couple of bad counselors discourage you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I want to thank everyone for the replies. I will never report the counselors I don't believe they have done anything wrong. If anything it was the second counselor that was obviously wrong and now just adds more confusion. None of them would be in their jobs as long as they have if they were wrong. All of them at first didn't think I was to blame but changed as they knew more.

Thank you for the book suggestions. The second counselor I had had me get the Courage to heal and a very long time ago when the Toxic Parent came out a co-worker suggested it so I have read both of those. I haven't heard of the last one. The other one the second counselor recommended was Secret Survivor by E. Sue Blume and the first counselor at first recommended The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz but then decided it didn't apply to me when I asked about it later and it was never discussed. I was having a hard time with questions in it. My mom saidthat by the time a child is 3 they can know if they want sex or not and I was always very mature for my age.

I want to thank everyone for your concern and I in no way meant to upset anyone. I wish I was not guilty but I know I am and I do know that it makes me very bad. I wish that I could change things but I cannot. I guess it is best if I just stay to myself and never ever let anyone know what I have done.

All of the counselors that I have seen have their licenses. None of the counselors that I have seen are associated with any church. I am not really religious so would not go to one with that was with a church or specific religion. The one that said I would be punished by God bothers me so much because she was screaming at me at the time how wrong and bad I was and also said that and more but I tuned out. I am very sensitive about being yelled at and the middle counselor said that I would disassociate when she would raise her voice. My Sister in law says that as soon as she starts to yell at my brother he tunes her out so must be a family thing.

I in no way want to imply that anyone else is to blame and I know that I was different. When in second grade I changed schools and kept being sent to the nurse for marks on me and eventually the principal would praise how good my parents were to put up with such difficult children as me and my brother. (I went there until 6th grade and when he would see me in the hall would say how lucky I was. It was a public school if that matters.) I know we were different in that respect also. I wish very much that I could have been like others and be innocent. My mother was pregnant with twins with me and one died she said that she got stuck with with the evil one and I killed the good twin. I was bad before I was even born.

Again I would just like to thank everyone for being so nice and for their concern and I hope that I haven't caused any problems.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I'm really sorry to see how wrong you have it.
NO CHILD is responsible for abuse.NOT ONE of them.

When your brain is developing you are not capable of making the right choices.I'm sorry but to say that at 3 you were responsible is basically saying that a 3 year old can be bad.Even if you're talking about yourself.Surely you would not believe that of any other 3 year old.Why you.....................You were just like any other 3 year old.INNOCENT.
Needing her parents to love and protect you, yet they did not they used you and violated you........Hope one day you can see it.

Keep coming back ..................................read the posts.
deleted_user
deleted_user

How old are you right now?