yesterday was my anniversary and it was so difficult because my wife died back in September. I tried to keep busy all day but the vulnerability of the day has turned into a struggle with my past to sleep tonight
Every time I close my eyes to try to sleep , I remember. Dear god why do I remember I don’t want to remember.
I close my eyes and his hands are one me. One hand is over my mouth so tight I can hardly breathe through my nose as he pulls me back into him. The pressure on my face is so frightening. I am so small and his hand is so big it covers some of nose too I really can’t breathe well.
i am pulled tight against his body. I can feel his breath on the back of my neck as he moves his other hand between my legs. I am terrified now cause I know. I know how much it’s goong to hurt and that I can’t stop him. I am so small and he is so strong and so big.
He rubs his body against me. I hate it. He whispers in my ear. He tells me I’m not allowed to cry. I cry cause I’m so so scared. It’s not the first time I have ever been hurt but it’s the first time I have been hurt by him.
I cant believe he is doing this to me too. Why? What happened? What did I do to make him go from caring and loving to wanting to hurt me. I don’t understand. My feelings are so hurt and so I can’t stop myself from crying. I’m too afraid and too hurt and I hear him I hear him tell me not allowed to cry.
And I hear him tell me if I don’t stop crying he will give me something to cry about. I am more terrified now and I can’t I can’t stop I can’t stop crying I just can’t.
He gets so so angry but for one second before he gets angry I think he is sorry he feels bad he feels bad for me and I think maybe but I still can’t stop crying and bam it is gone that one second of empathy is gone and he is more angry now
he pushes me away from his body, releasing my face as he does it and I gasp I remember gasping for air and before I can take a second breath he grabs me and turns me over. I am terrified he pushes me down hard on the bed and I can feel him on top of me.
Dear God it hurts it hurts so much I think I’m going blind from the pain he keeps saying to me you want something to cry about , cry about this and the pain is ripping my body I can feel it and I am thinking I am going to break in two.
And it happens so quickly the smell of pine the quiet hush of the woods with just the faint noise of insects and birds and small creatures. I can smell the poppies and hear the crickets and the water I can hear water moving.
Indont knownhow long I was there in the woods that first time. I couldn’t tell time then. I don’t know when he left the room. I just saw the blood on the sheets and I felt the pain through my body and I wanted to cry it still hurt so much but I didn’t dare cry anymore.
it was so hard to move I don’t remember getting myself to the parlor but I must have somehow because I remember staring at my mother asleep in the chair. I was too young then to know she was drunk and passed out.
He was watching tv he didn’t even look at me. But he got up grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom. He made me get in the tub and he washed me normal like he had done before the pain. I watched the pink water go down the drain.
I am sitting here and I remember like it just happened now. I can feel it. I can feel him.
I never cried again whenever the tears wanted to come I found myself in the woodland.
Why did I ever leave the woodland I was safe there I wish I had just stood there
i am shaking even now and sweating my heart is racing I will not sleep I will lay here and listen for him I will lay here and watch for him.
It doesn’t matter that he is dead now. It doesn’t matter how long ago this happened. I just remember it this past month. It is new to me it is as if it just happened. My body remembers the injury.
It is like the memory of my uncle that plagued me in December. Dear god help me push this one away like the the ones of my uncle.
I need not to go back to nightmares and flashbacks and fear
right now I feel small I have no voice again. I am used. I am broken and I hurt and my feelings are hurt too and I am confused. I know it’s now but it feels like then. He feels alive.
I feel dead