I am new to this site and don't know if this is where I should be. I am 41 and I was sexually abused when I was 6 by an older brother for years. He committed suicide when he was 17 leaving me holding my secret for many years. I feel responsible for his death. After my own attempt of suicide at 17 and finding myself hospitalized the secret was no more. I live with the memories and distressing thoughts everyday. I have managed a "fairly normal" lifestyle until the last couple years. Things have gotten worse...nightmares..no attached feelings to anything. Harder and harder to make it thru the day with a smile on my face. It is very important to me that I don't put my lifes trials onto other people especially my family. My husband and oldest daughter know that it happened...but that is the extent. I have not talked about it to them to any degree and don't care too. I am not a people person and sometimes come across more snobish but in most cases I am shy and do not have a lot of friends. The one I have are only surface friends. I am currently not on any meds and am not very excited about the thought of getting on them. Started with talk therapy....things are getting worse...I don't cry....so I didn't think I could really be depressed, but took a test and they tell me that I am severely depressed. I have to keep moving from the time my feet hit the ground until I head hits the pillow..the majority of the time. To be a survivor I guess that I would have to have made it through it. I have not. I feel like I have to be strong...for my family...I do not want to burden my family but I know that I am not a great Mom. I do OK but find myself not being the warm..loving..Mother. I feel like a failure more and more everyday. I don't really know what I am looking for....I guess I am looking for others that I can relate to and hopefully find strength in.
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