I've always had a hard time getting in touch with my anger about all of the abuse I endured growing up and have tended to minimize the effects it had on me. However, I'm at a place in my life where I'm starting to feel the effects more than ever. I'm engaged to be married to a fantastic, loving guy and I am really starting to become aware of my issues with intimacy (emotionally & physically). In the past I either avoided relationships or had casual encounters, but now that I'm in it for the long haul I'm really struggling. Which brings me to the rage...I am so pissed at how far reaching the effect of my brother's abuse is...it seems to seep into every aspect of my life...at work, with family, with my partner...my confidence, self-image, sexuality, trust in others, ability to accept love, anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse, self harm, increased vulnerability to victimization as an adult, my health, all of the time and money spent on therapy...and the list goes on and on. He took my innocence and left me a broken shell of a person. I am f**king ANGRY! I want him to hurt the way I hurt, I want him to have nightmares and flashbacks, to cringe when his spouse touches him, to be filled with self hatred, guilt and shame. I want him to pay for what he did...he got off scott f**king free!! NOTHING! He raped me for six years, got me pregnant and nothing happened to him...my parents made sure of that despite the CPS and police involvement when I became pregnant. WTF was wrong with them!? Seriously, what the hell?! I want him to fully understand the impact he had on me and to spend rest of his days rotting in a jail cell. I want him to die a slow painful death, to suffer the death of his pride, his spirit and self worth. I'm sorry to be so negative, I am just so disgusted by the injustice of it all...not only for myself but for everyone here who has been robbed of so much. I am so terrified of this anger...afraid that it will consume me and make me into someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be angry but I can't pretend it didn't happen and didn't affect me anymore...that only results in turning the anger on myself...which I am beginning to realize is a misguided and unproductive direction. How do you all deal with the anger and rage?
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