this was my First Christmas without my mom. she didn't die, but we are not speaking. my mother has been my Best Friend my whole life. HOWEVER, she is also my perpetrator! Yes, she and my stepfather - age 5-15. Along w/ stepbrother, uncles, cousin, a kidnapping, and family friends. I believe that once a child is molested, there comes an Aura around us...me. that let others know they could 'have' me. AND my parents did nothing about it. Fast forward: today I am 28 years sober and my mom is 30 years sober, and my Stepfather is dead (from AIDS). Miracle I didn't get the disease! What I am having to face at this time is, that though the Physical sexual abuse ended, there is still an Emotional Incest playing out between my mother and I. And I have allowed it! Enabled it!! I'm an ADULT this time, and I've allowed myself to still be controlled! I'm so angry and hurt and sick. My mother just recently crossed some boundaries...TOO MANY boundaries..and this time, it was the end of my rope! I STOOD UP! I told her "no more" and that I didn't want to see her or have her in my life. Well of course, what I got back was "fine. go have your life. I'm sick of trying to be in your life" kind of response. I've been waiting to see if my Mom is big enough to contact me and make an Amends! But, no. It seems her ego is winning out. She has NO admittance of her behavior. Sees nothing that she did wrong. No boundaries that crossed. She is waiting for ME to wave that flag. And WHY NOT? it's what I've ALWAYS ALWAYS done! and truth be told, I've thought of it, I miss her. But...something is different this time. This time, I'm ANGRY and I don't want her back in my life in the same capacity as before. But....I'm grieving. And it is showing. I have a huge wall up! My partner is scared because I'm shut down, my daughter thinks I'm mad at her. GRRRRR, Even when she's OUT of my life, she's still controlling it!
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