I do! He was my older brother and I both idolized him and hated him. Just recently found anger for the way he manipulated my family and me to get what he wanted. The feelings he left me with are very difficult to deal with. The memories, what I have retained and/or regained are even worse. I know exactly what you are talking about here!

yeah. you described it pretty well.

I idolized mine as a kid and it gradually and slowly faded over years. Then I was left with disgust and repulsion. I tried to hide the disgust and repulsion but it ate away at me until I totally broke down.

I never had the idolizing and hating at the same time, I don't think. Did you guys? Did you know why?

i idolized and feared my brother. it was very unpredictable when a physical assault would happen, so the 3 year difference in our ages made me a perfect good/bad foil for him.

my hatred of him was pretty pure when i had it, he was not an idol then.

i dont really know, ive never had any emotion towards my older brother. i suppose i did look up to him in some way but even now i dont hate him, i dont love him, i just feel nothing. but that might just be me.

Wow...Great question and a difficult one for me. I idolized my oldest brother and was actually in love with him after the abuse had stopped. He was 8 years older than me and was also like a father figure...The "in love feelings" I had for him were not sexual...i would have fantasies of us being the best of friends and him holding me...weird I know..Now, I don't know what I feel for or about him. I dont see my family anymore ( my choice ) and I am going to re-start therapy again soon, so will be exploring that more. I will say that out of all of my abusers he was the least hurtful if that makes any sense....

True2self, not weird at all. I can identify with the "in love" in the sense of wanting to be friends, held, loved & understood. I have recovered memories of when he actually acted like a good older brother, tender memories that really upset my applecart! Hard to reconcile memories of a good brother with memories of the same brother that raped me.
Samadian, yes. I both idolized and hated my brother at the same time. He had the most power and control over me because of the "secrets", and I hated what he was making me do and doing to me. On the other hand, this brother was at times capable of protecting a little sister to some degree from the beatings of a father, willing to take the rap for things he did not do, payment, in a way, for the secrets, I guess. He also manipulated my feelings in certain ways, made every effort to understand me so that I could be more easily manipulated into doing what he demanded and keeping the silence. I understand and see the manipulation now that I have grown up, but back then, it was another reason to idolize him. And, as I noted above, I have recently recovered memories of a tender moment when he really acted like the brother he should have always been instead of the abusive monster he predominantly was. The hatred was not only for the abuse, but also for the preferential treatment he received from my mother, as in she would try to protect him from a violent father, but not me, and for the way the parents treated him different from my sister and I, treating him as if he clearly had more value because he was a boy. They still do that to this day, although they know what he did then and the other crimes against family he has committed since then. Also, from the emotional and physical abuse of the parents, he learned how to be very emotionally and verbally abusive as well. At one point, I remember telling my mom he was an "antagonizing monster." Yet another reason to hate him. He was both abusive and supportive at the same time, if that makes sense.
I was really glad to see this question raised, because once again, I am not alone. I have struggled for years with this concept that I idolized one that I hated at the same time, and was a bit fearful to bring it up. It was a stuck point, because if I idolized him, then I also "let him do the things he did to me," or "I brought all of this on myself", thinking which shifts the guilt, shame and blame on my shoulders instead of on his where it belongs. I can see clearly where the guilt, shame and blame lie now, and it is NOT on me!! But still a difficult thing to process.