Please dont be angery with yourself, nor have you failed. I too use technics to stop flash backs at in oportune times, when I am at work or driving but if i am in a safe environment i accept them. They are painful and frighten me but they can never be worse than the actual abuse, so I tell myself that I survived then and I will survive now. It was not my little girls fault nor was it mine it would not be fair to blame her she had the knowledge of a child and was not equipt to stop it, it was the abuser and will always be the abuser who is to balme. They distroyed my trust and distorted my boundries which affected my decisions and may well still do. I believe that she and I must walk hand in hand to heal the damage that has been done to us and that one day we will reunite as one whole person, that day is a long way from today but when i reach it i will have healed. Jus my thoughts but hope their useful to you.

Thank you for your reply, it has helped me understand it.
Still feel as above, but i'll work on it through journaling taking on board what you posted.
thanks.

Sounds like a tough time, i am sorry. But don't be so hard on yourself for being human. This is really though stuff and it isn't easy but it does get easier. I use to be so much like you. Always in conflict with fear and a sense of being lost. You are not alone. Maybe you need to consider the fact that it took tremendous courage to survive. So you have courage. learning to tap into that same courage, used to survive can be redirected for reovvery, can be incredibly powerful source of strength. reconizing it is there may be a good first step. I think it is also to consider that recovery may be more of a choice than a goal to be strived for. A goal implies a possible chance of failure and a choice is absolute. When my time came i had just had enough and i said no more.

I made my choice to recover and i did.

I am sure you already knew most of this.

if you need to chat i am here

Sometimes the child takes over when triggered, sometimes not.

The important thing is this. When you regress it is ok.
We must be gentle with ourselves.
We are not trying to be recovery perfectionists.
Go foward, fall back, go forward a little more, that is what recovery is all about.
As survivors, what we must realize is that when we are unable to keep our composure as you mentioned above, it is very important to reinforce ourselves with positive statements.
Feelings are just feelings.
Most of us feel bad when we feel we slip up.
What we DO with those feelings is important.
If we allow ourselves to get into a downward cycle of self degradation, then we are allowing the abusers to continue to harm us.
We are helping them cause more damage.
Don't help them anymore. They have done enough.

In reading about the emotional armwrestling that appears to go on between you and your inner child, this came to mind.
What if you had a real child that went with you every step of your day ?
What if you repeatedly admonished this child in harsh ways ?
What if you tried to constantly control this child's actions ?
What if you expected this child to behave perfectly at all times ?
What if there was constant and unbreakable tension between you and this child ?
What if, when this child made a mistake you were so disappointed in her that you wanted to retreat to you closet ?
What if you told this child that what she did made you feel like an idiot.
What if you told this child you were very, very disappointed in her ?
How do you think this child would act? How do you think this child would feel ?

Now what if you told this child that you loved her completely ?
What if you told this child that we all make mistakes ?
What if you told this child that whenever she needed you, that you would be there to support her, to guide her.
What if you consistantly reinforced this childs strong points ?
What if you gave her a sense of hope that she could overcome her shortcomings ?
What if you forgave her over and over again when she tried to control situations ?
What if you told this child that you would help her learn better coping skills.
What if you told her you were the adult?
What if you told her it was ok for her to let go and be the child again ?
What if you and this child became best friends.
What if you and this child lived happlily ever after forever ?
How do you think it would feel to be THIS child ?
Just asking...

justanother,
thank you for your reply, yes avoidance is a big issue with me, i get what you are saying about choice and goal. thank you.
----

GoodGod,
ohhh far out, now you got me thinking, i see exactly what you have posted and it has helped a lot, when i look at it like that i can see my downfalls and know what i need to do to resolve this conflict i have with 'the child'. I don't know why i find it so hard to face/deal with 'the child' in me.
thank you. May i copy your post to go over it please?

I can relate to this so much. Sometimes when my PTSD is triggered, I go into a childlike state. It's as if I'm paralysed with terror. I can't think straight or express myself abstractly and I tend to dissociate a lot. Even though I've learned how to ground myself, sometimes it takes incredible effort to actually do it.

I find my PTSD is cyclical and therefore, sometimes I function at a lower level than at other times. I think as I continue on with my recovery, that the cycles will become less pronounced and that I'll have more and more stability. So, keep the faith. What you are describing is textbook PTSD. You're not irretrievably backsliding. Sometimes, we do take two steps forward, one back. It's OK to be where you are.

Thank you bato, you have eased my mind on it, i felt that this only happened to me(childlike state) and there was something wrong with me which really made things worse trying to process what happened.
It doesn't happen so much anymore, i am so aware of what is going on in me, it was a new task for me this week, so now i know i will be more prepared.
Thank you again.

Here comes the psycho babble. lol Believe it or not, what you're describing is quite common in PTSD. I've known many people who have suffered from this.

Sometimes, we develop fractured ego states to deal with the incest trauma. So, going into that childlike state is a maladaptive coping strategy. Perhaps it helped us deal with the original trauma when we were kids, but it becomes a problem in the adult world. It can become chronic and debilitating if you don't get the proper kind of help to deal with it. If you are in counselling, I'd address this with your counsellor. It sounds like you are aware of grounding and containment techniques, but it might do you some good to revisit them.

For many years, I didn't reach for my childlike state to cope with everyday stressors, triggers or new traumatic events...and then something happened and it became my coping mechanism of choice. Why my subconscious brain chose that I don't know, because helplessness is not a very effective way to protect yourself. lol It's called learned helplessness I think. Gah. Regardless, it took me a long time to get a handle on it...and sometimes I still go there. I'm actually revisiting this with my counsellor, too.

Hope this helps.