as the saying goes if it feels good then do, it if not then avoid it. I felt that once i had my kids that they needed to know my mother, well she is toxic for me, no matter what i do i was never good enough and and i'm always fround apon, so i just dont have anything to do with her, when my sister is seeing her she sometimes phones me up just so we can say hello to each other, but other than that there is no relationship between us, its because she doesnt know how to deal with all the family stuff i'm looked apon as being the one in the wrong

Oh, can I ever relate to this. It's OK to have these thoughts. It's OK to be angry. It is OK to break all ties and allow yourself to heal. Follow your gut instinct about what is in your best interest. You know best what you need to heal and step into your life so that you can enjoy it.

I've broken ties with my family, even though it was scary and I had such mixed feelings. I did it five months ago. The truth is, that I feel so much better without the toxicity dragging me down. I don't miss the shaming or the blaming. Time has given me a new perspective and I can see how they were killing me inside.

Perhaps in time, I might allow some of them back into my life. It depends on what I think is in my best interest. Right now, I know I can't set and maintain healthy boundaries with them. They don't respect my needs. In fact, they have shown themselves willing to sacrifice me to maintain their family "lie" around the incest and other abuse we all suffered. So, I had to make this tough choice because I wanted to not only survive but to thrive in my life.

I truly don't miss them most of the time. I have friends who love me who I spend time with. I am making new friends also. Remember, we can build a fmaily of choice. We can put people in our life who will love, accept and respect us...the way we deserve to be treated. And we do deserve to be treated with dignity, my dear. You have a right to be protected and nurtured and supported in the ways that have meaning for you.

Be true to yourself.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's so tough. I went through the same agonizing decision. But in the long run, I decided that I could not heal if I stayed in relationship with them. I too thought my son needed to have a "family", but he is better off without them too. You can be sure that if she didn't protect you and doesn't respect you now, she won't protect and respect your son either. The idea that "something is better than nothing" is wrong. It's a tough decision, but you have to do what is best for YOU.

Please be gentle with yourself. (((HUG)))

I have decided to remove myself from most of my immediate family. This is because of the sex abuse by my dad and older brother. Mom new about both but did not do anything. Also, there is a sister (she won't talk to me) and a younger brother that keeps in touch via telephone ( no one told him).

My therapist said that it is the healthier person that speaks up and wants to deal with the secret whatever the secret is. I think he is correct.

A decision to/to not have your mother in your life is difficult enough without adding a child into it. I only have to worry about myself and my partner, no one else. I don't know how I would feel or what I would do, that's impossible until I had a child of my own. The only thing that I am and always have been 100% positive about is that I would do anything and everything I could to protect my child. I am sorry about this for you. I wish I could be helpful. Peace in our Hearts.

I'm in the process of cutting off all ties right now. I hope it's not permanent but hope gets me into trouble sometimes. My family will say nine mean things and two positive things and I will latch on to those positive things like they are my life line. The life line is nowhere near my family, I'm afraid.

My son used to see my parents daily. I've slowly cut that down because I knew a fast cut-off would be too traumatic for them and my son. I also knew I'd get blamed and I'm afraid they will try and take him away from me. Whenever things get rough between us, they always attack my parenting.

I'm got some really good advice on how to cut contact from a friend who divorced her abusive husband and still had to let him see their kids. Start off with 30 days. Tell everyone you need 30 days to process all this stuff because you hurt each other and you need no contact. Then re-evaluate.

I think you owe it to your child to not let anyone treat you like you are not worthy. He will then pick up on that and it could get magnified in him. Children see themselves as extensions of their parents. My parents, unfortunately, think they are incompetent and not worth happiness. So that is how I saw myself. I still do sometimes. You are incredibly intuitive and probably a wicked mom to be coming to these conclusions. It's not easy though. I know that. I feel like I am grieving the death of my entire family.

Funny that you should post this because I actually talked about this in therapy today. My "family" decided that they wanted to have a "family" meeting this Saturday where we can all get together and discuss the situations of the past and how it is effecting "my" relationships....basically they want to get together and roast me and in my mothers own words last Friday help me "get over it" and help me "see things for the way they really are".

My therapist and I talked about that you can't make other people get help and come to terms with reality and the truth of what REALLY happened. You can only heal yourself and deal with the truth and the facts as they really happened, and in that you DO NOT have to force yourself to associate with relationships that are toxic to your recovery process. It is up to you to put the limits on your relationships. How and when you feel they cross the line and when they become toxic to your recovery, it is not up to them, it is YOUR recovery, not theirs. It is your RIGHT not theirs. It is ok to say I need space right now to work on my recovery, and to not be put in situations that will be toxic to my progress. If they love you they should understand, and if they don't well....

This was a very powerful lesson for me today, just thought I would share.

Oh StugglingT!!
I agree totally.
My family is really toxic
I am so angry that I have to walk away and shut the door on my whole family. The good ones all died. My Home was really a house of incest and they want to continue to deny, down play and continue the drama of their play. The one were we are all one big happy highly religious Catholic family. Hypocrites!!!

They hate me because I can't pretend it all didn't happen. How dare the stupid youngest one drive the family through this.

If I want to survive this and even want to survive this I have to leave the poisin behind. The longer I am away the stronger I feel. My own family is proud of me. Thank God for that!!!

I know exactly how you feel, and you saying you feel like an orphan is something I just journaled myself a few weeks ago. I actually wrote I feel like an orphan living next to ghost parents, because after living in Colorado for 12 years my parents moved next door (despite my protests) and now I no longer speak to my dad. He was abusive, my mom is living in her wonderful passive aggressive world of denial, and meanwhile I have a 5 year old son who is no longer allowed over to his grandparents house and has no contact with my dad, talk about a nightmare! Cutting him out of my life was a necessity as he was creating to much chaos and refuses to take responsibilty for the kind of father he was. My therapist said he is toxic to you and unless he chooses to change you'll have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. After a series of events I decided to write him out of my life, literally. I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt and ended it with I no longer want you to be a part of my life, or my families. I feel good about my decesion, but bad that it came to that.
Anyway, I know how you feel, if you want to write let me know.

omg, you are soooo right. my family is the same way. i distance myself from all of them. including my mother. that was hard to do. but i finall yhad to realize the truth. i just posted on here about her f'ing my dad whiel i was turning him in, this is sick and wrong and somethign i just found out. that is f'ed up. and no one deserve to be ttreated this way. dont be afraid, you do what you need to do. i wrote my mother many hate letters, some of which i actually gave her. that helped. think about who you want your kids influenced by...