Incest Survivors Community Group

This group was created before there was an actual support group on this site for incest survivors. Most people are already comfortable here, feel free to add your thoughts, questions, and opinions. I'm here for anyone that needs me. -metalheadlxlxl

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Is abuser at fault if he too was abused?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I was thinking about what my brother must have went through as a 5 year old little boy thinking he was going to Disney World(every childs dream) only to be raped repeatedly for a week straight by two fat grown men (Iknew this man)I can't even imagine the pain his little body must have felt, the terror,shame, his whole chidhood ripped from him at such a tender age, no wonder he repressed it for almost 26 years.but can he truely be the one my sister and I should hate or avoid after what he wnt through? I read another post where a survivor told her brother the hate she felt for him the anger and how she wanted to hurt him,I am new to finding out about what my brother did to my sister and I(Raped which included friends) but I feel such sympathy after knowing what he went through, Is this wrong, should I be angry at him too? I was wondering if that might possibly come later since right now I don't remember anything? I know he is genuinley sorry, I can tell it all causes him great pain and shame, how could I add to that? I have already forgiven him in my heart, and someday hope to get the courage to talk with him and let him know he is forgiven.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To me it depends on what he has done with his life since then. If, like my Father, he chose to go from being an abused child to an abusing adult who chose that as a justifiable way of life, I would neither forgive nor keep contact. But if he grew onto an adult who rejected that choice and truly regrets his actions I would keep the posibility of reconciliation open.
I dont, personally, go in for anger or thoughts of revenge as I believe that they are feelings that would hamper my own healing.(As well as giving me more wrinkles!) In my own experience compassion is a better emotion. I have got to the stage of feeling a sort of pity for my parents, whilst loathing what they did and not forgiving them for the way they behaved.
I think to hate every abuser precludes the possibility of change, which would do us struggling survivors no good at all in our quest to heal.
I hope this helps.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Goodmorning, and yes he has grown into a wonderful man, married to a wonderful woman whom we all love,has 3 beautiful children, is a great father,and great help to my aging mother. I talked to him yesterday on the phone,and expressed my wishes to try and heal from all of our past horrors, he seemed so relieved and thankful, he cried and asked for my forgiveness, and said he loved me for the first time in so long,I think we both needed this as we were a very close family once. he has never abused anyone but himself,I'm sure he has been through hell in his life as we all have from the aftershocks of such trauma, it really felt wonderful to talk to him for the first time in almost 30 some years, I mean really talk to him.
I want to thank you all for giving me the strength to do this thing, I have always been so terrified of ever bringing the past up with him especially, but I am so glad I did. I believe our true healing can finally begin, as I love my brother and family, I feel I can be around them and feel more at peace, and that some of the walls might finally be coming down. Thanks to you all from the bottom of my heart. Much love, Edith>
deleted_user
deleted_user
It was so cheering to read your post Edith. You are obviously a strong and compassionate woman who is motivated by caring. It is great that you have been able to begin to bring some peace and a reconciliation to your family by reaching out to your brother. It takes immense courage to risk hurt and rejection by breaching the secrecy,shame and pain that has built up over the years. Iam proud of you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you so much Hannah52.I appreciated hearing your kind thoughts and honesty, our journey's towards healing are not easy ones, but oh so vey important if we want to ever really be the whole person our father in heaven wants us to be. This site has helped tremendously on my road to recovery,I want to take the time to thank you and all thebeautiful souls I have met here. God Bless you one and all.!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
If the abuser is/was a child or young person themselves and were abused also, then maybe it would be understandable that they'd do that to another but I think it depends on age. There comes a time when a person knows right from wrong esp when it involves hurting others, if they have a conscience! And also I agree with what Hannah52 said about them being genuinely sorry and changing their life. I think a lot of abusers know they're wrong but simply DON'T care. They get too much out of it to care. I don't feel like someone who is old enough to know right from wrong should get sympathy if they abuse others even if they were abused b/c I grew up being abused in every way since the time I could remember but I'M NOT out here abusing kids or others, so that's not an excuss in my opinion.
JOYHOLY
JOYHOLY
HELLO EDITH,IT IS GOOD TO FORGIVE SOMEONE THAT REPENTS, IS SORRY,BUT NOT ALL ABUSED FEEL THE SAME, SAME HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM THE PERSON THAT ABUSED THEM, I FOR ONE, MY UNCLE NEVER ASKED ME TO FORGIVE HIM, AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM ,ALSO MY SISTER WAS VERY EVIL TO ME AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, SHE STOLE FROM ME, AND I FORGEVE HER ,SHE DID IT AGAIN, AND ONLY ''GOD'S' KNOWSE HOW MANY TIMES, I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER, I HAVE HEALED FROM THE ABUSE BUT I LIVE FAR FROM MY FAMILY AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE THEM..I HAVE FORGIVEN THEM BECAUSE I HAVE FAITH IN ''CHRIST'',AND TO FREE MYSELF OF THE MEMORIES ,I FEEL FREE, I HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR FAMILY, BUT REMEMBER NOT EVERYONE IS ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,LOVE LUCY..
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