I find myself in a child like disposition. Not knowing right from wrong...when it comes to things of a so called abusive sexual nature. I say "so called" because even though I know I was abused, I still know it was my fault. But people tell me it's not my fault. I don't believe them. There had to have been something I did that was wrong, and I just don't know what it is. I do things that are wrong all the time, and I don't know until later sometimes. Generally, I am utterly confused by anything of a sexual nature. I have flashbacks that cause my body to respond with what is supposed to be "pleasurable" sensations. I don't want to feel this, but it just happens, and I panic until it goes away and sometimes it doesn't. I am confused as to why this happens. It is so confusing for me to feel this and not want to, and try to make it go away but it won't. I hate not having control over my body and what I feel. I keep thinking that maybe I'm wrong. I remember when it seemed normal. before I found out everyone's parents didn't do that. I was so confused when I realized this, because my sense of normalcy was gone...and I barely had one. Now I have no clue about normalcy. I never got that back. Sometimes I pretend I don't care about being normal, just so it won't bother me. I'm very weird, and I know this. I know I always will be weird to others, and I stopped trying to be normal cuz I will never be like other people.
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