It's the one area that I have conquered. You're on your way, by acknowledging that it's there as protection. Eventually you'll realise that it doesn't protect you. You need to know that you are worth living your best life and feeling proud of ALL aspects of your life. It won't make anything better, it's like the illusive goal of wealth, the real problems still exsist.
I warn you not to get too attached to the idea that getting thin will make things so much better. You will feel great, get lots of social praise and inclusion, attention etc. This will feel new and exciting, but in no time, reality will set back in, and this is when people tend to regain. The attachment you establish to being thin and feeling great only increases your self-loathing if you regain, don't attach your self-esteem/happiness to your size, it only leads to more heartache.
Been there.
I have now been "thin" for about 8 or 9 years, and I do prefer it, I feel a sense of control and pride in honouring myself, not abusing myself with food. I started involving myself in sport, running, which realigned my focus. I know am greatful for what my body can do, as opposed to what it looks like. It's still a battle I'm a size 4/6 and would like to lose more weight. The standard just shifts.
I don't feel like this was very helpful, just a rant on my part. I guess I just know how you feel and that in the end it's another "symptom".
All the best, keep me posted.
Love to you.

I am so glad that you had the faith to post this. As I have been going through my recovery process. I realize I have alot yet still to tackle. I really hope more people will speak up about this topic. I have my own fat suit. It is my protector. My friend. I am a very thin person, stuck in this fat person's suit. But I have always used food to comfort me. It was something my mom taught me to do. I just don't want to lose this weight, like if I do, I will lose me. Or I will loose the wall that protects me. Anyways, I will hope to see more words of encouragement here.

lostatsee..I have done everything you have mentioned.
I did like the honoring my myself.
Now that might be a door I can jimmie open a little. Hmm ?
Who knows. Will try it.
I hate to break this to you, Sweetheart, but my left arm is a size 4/6.
I am not trying to disrespect you in anyway. Just letting you know we are talking one heck of a big cushion here.
One of the things you mentioned is the opposite for me.
When I start to loose weight and people comment on it, I become extemely self conscious. Then the regain starts.

I do want it for the right reasons. Looking good is ok, but a perk, not a main issue.
I want to feel more comfortable moving around.
I want to feel more flexible.
I want to be able to find a large selection of clothing in the styles that I feel are personal expression of who I am.
I want to touch that thin person inside of me that Amurphy01 mentioned.
I am fine with loosing the wall that protects me.
Let it come tumbling down. Let it come down already.
I hear what you are saying about selfloathing.
That is a good one to focus on.
I would have to learn some new coping skill if the wall does go down.\
I haven't lived without a cushion for quite a while.
What the hell..worth looking into again.

Thanks.

I do hope more people speak up.
For some of us, this is a big issue.

I have my fat cusion myself. I did get below 200# some years ago, felt great, looked great and then men starting to notice me. Made me self concious and I started the eating process again, to protect me. As when I was big men didn't notice me, I was invisable and I got content with that. That way men didn't hurt me anymore. When I got slimmer nearly to the weight I wanted to be, I felt I was there for any man to start harming me again...

Crazy how our minds go from one end of the eating to the other end, fat to slim and then back to fat.

I can totally relate to this. I have such empathy. I think I will always struggle with this to a certain extent, but I know that if I remain active and don't binge eat, that's I'll be OK. I got a gym membership and started working out on a regular basis. Aqua-fit, strength training and the elliptical machine all helped. I also got into counselling to deal with the underlying issues that were causing me to stuff my emotions with food. And lastly, I removed the stressors from my life that were killing me. One of these was taking a break from family. (Not sure if that's going to be permanent or not.)

Let's face it, diets don't work. Throw that idea out the window. lol Instead, make a promise to take care of your body, mind and spirit and the weight loss will happen. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. It will take effort, but you can do it one day at a time.

And by the way, I do understand why you feel exposed when you start to lose weight...and why this causes you to start putting it back on.

I think in my case, I was afraid of being re-victimized and I was terrified that I couldn't take care of myself. I was reacting to these fears as if I was a helpless little girl...like when I'd been incested by my brother. I needed to get to a place where I felt that I could take care of myself and not be a victim. Then, I was no longer afraid of being attractive...or afraid of my sexuality. With counselling, my sexuality became something to be proud of and to nurture.

And yeah...I still struggle with it all. lol

Ohh you are talking about me. I was not even in my teens yet when I realise Men don't dig Fat Chicks. So I made a conscious choice to get fat. Earlier this year I was over 120kg. I hid inside my 'cushion', but I also hide up here on my mountain.
I too don't want people to notice that I have lost weight.
I want to lose weight for myself and my kids. I want to be able to ride a bike with them without swallowing the bike seat. But I do not want others to comment.
So I am exercising in private. I have lost 7.5kg so far. I do already feel better.
Mayber when i have lost some more I will feel better about parading my newly exposed self to the world.
I do not know why but a skinny, good looking me, always has a sexual connotation.
I have dealt with a lot of abuse issues and told my family in the last few months, so hopefully this time I have the confidence to not hide anymore.
I have always seen myself as a scared little girl hiding inside a fat womans body. Now I want the girl to emerge and grow up.
Good luck to you all.

I'm afraid when guys notice me too. but I feel so much more invisible when I DONT eat. I also try to be really quiet in public. anyways, I do think it's very similar in the sense that it's the illusion that controlling your weight will protect you, even though mine is opposite, its really the same, you know? except I think that I can shrink so small no one will be able to touch me or hold onto me. so yeah, just be careful not to go to the other extreme, cause it can kill people! As far as getting over it...I'm going back to residential treatment. I guess a good thing to do would be to deal with the real issues rather than the weight, but I feel pretty hypocritical saying that! good luck.

Thank you all.
Your comments really helped me.

Good for you lilacs. I hope your treatment is successful. I think treatment is the way to go for any eating disorder, whether you're under or over weight. Some things just can't be fixed on your own.

I'm dealing with this exact issue, too. I feel like I've healed all the reasons that I used food. I've dealt with the abuse. I have no reason to overeat anymore. Now I'm dealing with food and my body. I find this to be just as hard as dealing with the abuse. Of course, they are intertwined.

I hated my body. Not just because of the way it looks, but because I felt like it was an enemy. It betrayed me. It was what my perpetrators wanted. It didn't belong to me. It belonged to them.

Once I had this epiphany, I started to reclaim my body as mine. My therapist told me about an exersize that has been really helpful. I stand in the shower and put my hand under the spray and say "This is my hand". I just look at it and feel it. This is mine. Then I put my forearm under the spray and say "This is my forearm". And so on. It was really powerful. It makes it easier to take care of this body knowing it is mine now.

I have always been big, even when i was a little kid, i still battle with my weight now, i diet, or should i say eat healthy for a certain amount of time and then bang! the old habits come back. My abuser used to take me to the shops after abusing me and buy me sweets, cake, ice cream and takeaways, i used to stuff them in, i don't just mean a bit i mean family sized bags and lots of them. When i met my hubby i was about 18 stone, i went up to just over 20 after i had my son. I hated myself for being that way but still i binged. Then i started weight watchers and i really focoused on it for 6 months while my h was serving in Iraq. I lost over 5 stone and dropped 5 dress sizes. I am now 15 stone, my weight has never been below 14 and a half, for some reason i get to this size and i wont let myself loose anymore, as i go between 14 and a half and 15 stone, sometimes higher, when people start to notice that i am loosing and comment i start to binge again. I eat in secret, it's an obsession. W

sORRY, I SLIPPED.

When i am going through a bad patch with it then food is all i think of, from the moment i wake up, what can i eat, even when i am eating, what can i have next, i never feel full, after i have stuffed myself i feel bad and as the weight goes on i dispise myself. I look in the mirror and i disgust myself with rolls of fat and excess skin, stretch marks like a road map of the UK. But still i do it. I hide food and i eat it in secret as i hate to see the dissapointment on my hubbys face when i binge. I sometimes go to the shops, make an excuse to go so i can buy stuff and eat it in the car on the way home, i did this as a kid too. I would steal money from my mum when i went to get the newspaper in the morning and buy sweets stuffing them in my face on the way home. Food has always been my comfort. I can't seem to break this cycle. I have spoken with my GP who says diet excersisie and will power, but this is mental not physical for me. I have spoken to my therapist who says it's defiance, as my stepdad used to taunt me for eating so much, telling me a farmer would keep me for my shit. I have no idea how to stop doing this. How to stop punishing myself, how to tell myself no. so i know where you are coming from.... i just don't know how to help sorry.

I had a friend who struggled with her weight, too, tell me that what she did was show love to the body parts she hated the most. Healing lies in loving yourself, I guess, loving yourself enough to take care of your body. She used to rub her tummy and talk to it like it was child. She'd say, "I love you. I accept you the way you are. You are beautiful to me. I will take care of you."

I started to do this, too, then got out of the habit. And yet, when I did it, I lost weight and kept it off. Weird huh? I guess I was giving myself permission to get fit.

I'm going to start doing it again. I'm back at the gym and getting fit again. (Well, I'll never be buff, but that's OK. I don't want to be. I just want to be a healthy weight. I don't want diabetes or heart disease...or any other diseases that being overweight increases your risk of.)

The power the incest has over is just stuns me sometimes. Imagine that it is more acceptible to kill ourselves slowly by overeating, than to give ourselves the gift of health and fitness. Don't we want to live? I do. I really do. But, I'm so apathetic about it all, like I'm living in a fishbowl.