The last time I posted on this discussion board was probably April of last year. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in some ways it feels like ages ago. I am a 20 year of female. My first episode of HOCD hit during the spring semester of my first year at college. I was studying for a big psychology test early one morning and came across a sentence about homosexual relationships that REALLY freaked me out. I won’t write what it said because I don’t want it to trigger anyone reading along. After that I was like…how do I know I’m not gay? Maybe I’ve been a lesbian my whole life and I just haven’t figured it out yet? At first I was able to shove the thoughts into the back of my mind, but they kept nagging. To me, it was such a shameful thought that I couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone, so I kept it in. Sure enough, a week or so later I couldn’t keep shoving it to the back of my mind and it started to take over. I started seeing EVERYTHING through these “hocd goggles”. Every girl I passed on campus would cause me to spike. I would try and imagine myself kissing her and see if my body responded in a favorable way. Of course, it did not, but that didn’t matter. In my mind, it was only a matter of time. I’d never been attracted to a woman before. I’d always been really boy crazy. What I now know to be OCD was doing what it does best, attacking the very core of my identity. I eventually had to take incompletes for all of my classes because I couldn’t concentrate on school to save my life. I came home after sharing with my wonderful, loving, and understanding parents what I was obsessing over. I went to the doctor and started 20 mg Prozac and saw a couple of different psychiatrists. I also kept a few close contacts from my church who I could share these embarrassing thoughts with. This helped too; it felt like I had about 6 different psychiatrists on call at any moment. Having such a big support system was the biggest help. And after about a month of pure suffering, the medicine started to kick in and my thoughts were easier to deal with. Things still weren’t “perfect” but life was tolerable and happier again.
By this point it was the beginning of summer. My friends came home from their schools and all of the fun, free, summer activities began again. I quickly resumed my close friendships with girl friends and guy friends. I counsel at a summer Bible camp in July. Last year was a really special year. I got really close to a guy who I’d met the summer before. He was a bit older than me but really, really special. We flirted a lot at camp but I never really thought it would go anywhere. After camp we went on a couple of dates but I still wasn’t ready to date him because of the age difference. After about a month of talking on and off with him, I finally decided “oh, what the hell,” and we started dating. I cannot describe how amazing this guy is. He’s mature, he listens, he understands, and he’s hilarious. I was a little cautious with my feelings at first because I knew what I’d be through with HOCD and I didn’t want this relationship to trigger any of that. We have had a great physical relationship. No sex (we want to wait for marriage), but we did everything else. After about 5 months of dating I started to feel weird about the relationship. I felt kind of bored and not as attracted to him. I still LOVED being with him and just all around loved him, but it wasn’t as excited anymore. I shared these feelings with him and he thought maybe we should go on a little break to give ourselves some room to think. We did…and I missed him like crazy. It was a miserable week. We got back together and things were great. I loved him more than I ever had before. But the thoughts that I didn’t love him enough came back about three weeks later. I tried to imagine myself walking down the aisle to him at our wedding and I just couldn’t! It really freaked me out. I started thinking…well if I can’t marry him then I am being dishonest about dating him. I love him too much to be dishonest with him. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him. The thoughts became more and more intrusive as we neared our spring break trip to Nashville, TN (we’re still here now, we’re coming home today). I kept obsessing about him not being the right one and me not being attracted to him enough. The thoughts began to cause anxiety and then, without a doubt, the gay thoughts started coming back. “What if you can’t feel enough for him because you’re actually supposed to be with a woman?” I always hear gay people who turned from straight to gay talk about how their relationships with the opposite sex never felt “right”. Now I’m thinking…omg that’s obviously me. This doesn’t feel “right”. But I can’t stand the THOUGHT of being with a girl. That seriously disgusts me. I’ve watched like…women kissing other women before in movies and even porn and I guess it turns me on. But I think that’s just because it’s the SEXUALITY of it…not because I want it. Can anyone relate to me there?
My boyfriend has been SO SO understanding. I feel, in my mind, like I don’t love him anymore, but I hope that once this goes away that I can sort out my anxieties and I will love him once again. I know he’s going to be right by my side until I get through all of this and I feel so lucky. I also have wonderful parents who I’ve already shared this with and they’ve said “we figured it would come back. We’ve beat it before and we’ll beat it again!”
Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate??