I am 21 and finishing up college soon. I have a boyfriend who up until recently I wanted to start a life with. We planned to live together and eventually get married. We had even picked out names for our pets and our kids. But about a month ago I read a book that had a very sexual lesbian scene and I was worried that it turned me on. After that I experimented once with a lesbian sexual fantasy. Since then I have been terrified that I am actually a lesbian. This makes no sense because I have always liked boys. I have had boyfriends and crushes on boys my entire life and have been in love several times with men. But now I feel like I can't like men and I must like women. I find myself noticing other girls more often and asking myself if I am attracted to them, if I would want to have sex with them etc. In the past I have never been concerned that I thought another girl was pretty; I never had sexual urges to be with them I just noticed if she was attractive or not and it did not concern me. I confided in my boyfriend and he told me that I am being silly and that I am not a lesbian, but I still feel like maybe I am and he's just saying that because he doesn't want me to be one. I even tried to break up with him because of this and thinking that I should just accept that I am a lesbian and be with other girls but I was so upset about losing him that I started crying and couldn't do it. I have never had a crush on a girl, but now I find myself constantly thinking oh well maybe that was a crush and I just didnt realize it at the time. I feel like I have to reassure myself by looking at pictures of naked women and naked men to compare my reactions. I know that the men turn me on, but I am not sure whether or not the women do anymore. At first I thought no they do not and I was relieved, but now I am questioning that and saying well maybe I do find them attractive. I am still having sex with my boyfriend and I enjoy it, but sometimes afterwards I get very upset and think I should be having sex with women and stop leading him on and just admit that I am gay. I also look to things in my past that suggest that I might be gay. I always remember getting upset when my dad would make mean comments about gay people and now I think maybe that is because I was gay too. I also remember a time when I was young and I first started to understand what gay was and thinking oh my god what if I am and finding myself terrified that I found a woman attractive on tv or something, but then feeling relaxed again when I thought about a boy I had a crush on or a male actor that I wanted to date. I know this is probably all silly, but it feels so real to me. I have been searching online for weeks about people who do not realize they are gay until later in life and that sexuality is fluid. Now it has gotten to the point where I am avoiding my friends and family. I do not want to be around any new people because if they are girls I wonder if I am being too nice, if I am flirting with them, if I might want to be with them. Even to the friends that I have had forever I am doubting whether or not I am attracted to them. Just today one of my female friends was standing in front of me and I was like maybe I want to touch her. I was so glad to end my summer job because I was around women alot and I would be having normal thoughts and a good day and all the sudden when talking to one of them I would be like oh my god maybe I want to kiss them and I felt like I was going to kiss them and get fired! Now I keep wondering if I should just come out as being a lesbian because maybe I would like being with women more and the thought relaxes me because its like I wouldn't have to be scared anymore I would just have to accept who I am and start life over (even though my family is very homophobic). Its like I have no control over my thoughts at all. I have had alot of anxiety issues in the past. I used to be terrified of illness and would not even be able to be in the same room with someone who was sick or if I read a book with someone who had some deadly illness (like smallpox) I would automatically think that I was going to get that illness and die too. Additionally, and probably contributing to this issue are the sexual issues I have had in the past. I always enjoyed boys and would get easily aroused by them (even just sitting alone with oneor holding hands with one), but I never was able to orgasm. I often found sex painful and this is something that I attributed to sexual abuse that occurred during my first real relationship. This abuse also resulted in serious depression and post traumatic stress which made it very difficult for me to be physical with any men for a long time. With my boyfriend however, I was never scared of him or being with him and I even experienced my first orgasm. I just really want know what is going on with me and if this sounds like HOCD. I want to go back to having a normal life. I want to be able to control my thoughts and not constantly feel like I am getting intrusive thoughts about girls around me or sex or being a lesbian. I want to be able to completely love my boyfriend again, the way I used to, and the way he loves me. I want to have sex with him and not feel like I have to check myself and make sure that I am aroused and focus my thoughts so that I do not think of girls when I just want to be thinking of him. But most of all I just want to know that I am straight and that I will have a normal straight life with a husband and kids and be happy.