Im 18 and just like a young dumb teenager i made the horrible decison to have unprotected sex. Im sure this will be by far the worse thing I have have and will ever do. The person was my first and I did it once, but it only takes one time to contract something. He put it in without a condom once then he put one on.I went and got tested for other std's as well as HIV but its too soon to find out about the HIV so I will have to come back in a few weeks to get another HIV test done. Im also waiting on my results for my STD's that I get back on May 6th. I am racking my brain. I cant eat, sleep, or even breathe. Im at an all time low and to say Im depressed would be an understatement. It all feels so surreal. I can see all of my dreams being ripped away if any of these test(espacially)HIV comes back positive. I dont know how I could be so utterly stupid and I hate myself so much for it. My life will be over if Im positive.I even know exactly what im going to do if I find out I have HIV. Im going to go to my house. Turn on the bath tub. Get in and slit my wrist.I will end it all because I refuse to be a host to a parasite that leeches off of my existence.The only thing that may stop me is how my mother will be alone if I die. Im her only child, her only love, and I have disgraced her.I can see it now as she stands there feeling helpless over my grave wondering why I did this. But death is my only out. Im trying to prepare myself for this mentally.Knowing that on May 6th I will either still be alive or on my way to the grave.I have prayed and I dont know if anybody is listening.I have willing taken my life and thrown it into the dumpster and there is no one to blame but me.I hope no one with HIV feels offended by my statements.My decison is for me personally and many people can live with the disease but I cant. If I have it god couldnt save my body,but i hope he will save my soul...
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