I guess to start this off I'll go ahead and let it be known I'm bipolar. While off meds (and sometimes on) I get manic and become "hypersexual". I searched out sex at gay bars, adult bookstores, chatrooms, personals, etc. Lots of partners, can't even remember their names. When I was manic like that I felt invincible, never used condoms, and that's how I probably ended up with this disease. I spoke about this on a bipolar support page and they all seem to think that I shouldn't have guilt over something I did while manic, not in my right mind, and also that it wasn't soley my responsiblity to use condoms, that my partner had a say-so in the matter as well. This makes me feel a little better, since I never certainly forced anyone into bareback sex, the question of using a condom or not just never came up. Still, I wonder who I might have infected, and feel horribly guilty. Has anybody else had to deal with this, and how do you cope? I see a therapist my HIV caseworker got for me in a few weeks, and I'm sure she can help me some. But until then, I don't know what to do. Since getting my med cocktail right for all my mental disorders I seemed have to regained my consious, that internal babbler that brings up everything you've done wrong in your life. He's killing me. Meds only help so much, the rest of it leaves me feeling queasy and shamefull most of the time. I don't know, I'm just kind of spinning my wheels right now and can't get past this.
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