I remember this well. This living hell that you speak of. I don't know what to tell you other than to say YES, it does get better. It really does, if you allow it.

First thing to do is to keep acknowledging your feelings and letting them out, just like you have done now. Keeping all that crud inside is damaging to not only your psyche but to your spirit and body.

Next you need to reach out to those that love you. Let them remind you of how wonderful, special and loved you are. BElieve it.

Spend time reading and getting to know others on this forum who have it a LOT WORSE than you. Trust me, our stories and situations pale in comparison to some of the other problems some people have. This is a very strong weapon I use to get myself off of the pity pot and embracing all of the good fortune that I DO HAVE.

Why let this rip your soul apart? Do not allow HIV to have that Power in you. Demand it back! It takes a VERY STRONG person to fight this disease and I AM quite certain you are the right person for the job.

Baby steps.

BE WELL.

It's just too bad that this board is not as active as it should be with so many members, I guess we tend to talk to each other in private instead of the boards. I get a lot of help in the depression community. I've also been where you're at. I don't know how old you are but I am 53 and have had this for 19 years. It does get better, but please give yourself a chance, you're still grieving. There are some great websites listed on the other threads. I got married to an hiv negative man who is younger than me about nine years ago, every man I was with since my diagnosis was hiv negative regardless how hard I tried to find an hiv pos man. We now have a normal life, a home, he works, we have a dog and a cat and hiv is only part of our bigger picture together. It gets better a day at a time, like mschf says baby steps.

In the meantime we were in a terrible car accident which almost killed us, and here I was so worried about dying from aids instead of living with it, I am not only a survivor, I am a thriver, and we are not alone.

honey, nobody will ever have it worse than you. i mean, from your perspective, that things have happened "to you", as opposed to everyone else, is something only you have to live/experience. for me, it is that something has happened to ME, that i have to deal with, and nobody nobody nobody can actually, really and truely know, what is my experience, what could POSSIBLY heal it...

and part of this my dear, is that nature itself, put each of us in one body, to live one life, with no promises, no gaurentees, and certainly no humane environment on any level whatsoever, to help us live this 'storyline'...

and yet we do. we all do.

so while nobody could possibly know what your experience is, you are not alone in the sense that it is only happening to you. this is happening to many of us, each feeling like you do, at times, and some of us, a spare few, actually manage with time, experience, and a willingness to embrace that experience, (note i did not say ACCEPT the experience, only embrace that it is yours, and live it the best you can)... a spare few, who HAVE mannaged to live our lives in spite of the 'horror' that at one time we felt we couldnt possibly come to terms with.

take it from those of us who have come to terms with all this 'mess', it is do-able. it can be done, and there are many many things we can do, but the object of the game, of coming to terms, to the point where you dont have to DO... you dont have to wear that mask, you dont have to wear those tears on the inside which refuse while begging to emerge in floods. you dont have to do the parts you dont want to do, but you do have to do one thing.

fighter that you are, as far as you have come and as smoothly as you have, (despite the self critical sense that you dont handle it well, you know youve handled it quie well.... so far, and are simply tired)
this exhaustion too, there are ways and solutions available for that too..

the only thing you have to do is reconcile with your feelings, all of which are valid, realise that there is not in reality a tatoo on your forehead that reveals you, nor is there a tatoo on your soul, or your perspective, (which is as malleable and changeable as your willingness to shape and control and change that perspective from something today not so nice, to something, like many of us have, which is rather transcendant, accepting, allowing, tolerant of the intolerable.

it seems so unnatural from your perspective that anyone could 'adjust' and 'normalise' in the face of something like this, but it is done and it is done in large numbers.

some of us are regulars here. we are old and wise and longtimers, we know things.

when you next have the opportunity to feel those tears well to the surface, write them out, write them to us, and write them with honesty.

we are all right here, and we are a faithful crew, from what ive seen here, and after 25 yrs poz, i can tell you , that is a great deal for me to say about ANY hiv group.

when you least feel like communicating with us, is when perhaps you most need to, no?

-taoe

phillyreikimaster@hotmail.com

again, there are solutions, and remedies, and adjustment 'tricks' to learn in handling all this, and i kid you not, many of us consider our hiv status, as no more important a defining element of our identities than the colour of our eyes, aint that right, mschif?

keep it pouring out, youre already DOING the right thing, and in the right place.

write more. give us more to work with, communicate with those of us who spent years where you are, and imagine a time when years from now you will be saying the same things to someone perhaps, that im saying to you now, when there was a time i had to imagine myself SAYING these things.

the key factor, remember, there are solutions to these seemingly unacceptable circumstances... pay yourself the gift to at least find out what they are.

that's what we're here for.

: )

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! It has been so difficult for me to see the bright light through all this haze but knowing that I have people out there caring about me with out even knowing me and people who can truly understand what i am feeling on the inside, people who have successfully survived the STORM that is currently drenching me! Thank you for restoring my sense of self will and strength.

Oh my goodness it really does get a lot better!

I was recently diagnosed, and have just made my dr appt, but, I understand you completely, I have no family, I got disowned when I first got pregnant with my daughter, I have no one to talk to ever about this, and I'm a single mother, I feel like I failed her, she is perfectly healthy, but I start to think how I cant always be there for her, I cant always be around, it breaks my heart. I cant even sleep anymore. I just feel like I failed my child, and that I will spend the rest of my life that I have alone. ugh. I dont know if it can get better.

Sleepig,
I know its been rough! I also know that every-1 on this site has been there has gone through it! You are never alone, God is always with you. The people on this site arewith you. Read the replys ive recieved and feel how heart felt they are. You have a child who depends on you sun in and sun out, if you you provide for that child and love that child noone can tell you about what you don't do! I have good days and I have bad days but I make the choice to live through those bad days just to get to the good days.. I am here for you.. We are all intitled to have our bad days but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

www.selfcreation.com this sight will help you ACCEPT your "self".....

www.aids2hiv.com this site will help you accept your self & HIV*

I've had a rough year and a half and wouldn't be here talking if I didn't always have some hope in my darkest hour that things would get better. Hills and valleys but at least I'm still traveling. This past week has already been better than the past three months and I've had the virus 19 years. So it is or can be a roller coaster ride and we just have to hold on, with the love and support of our friends. But I tell em all it's my ride and you're just a bystander. I don't want to have to take care of them while I am trying to take care of myself. Had I known then what I know now, I would have spared my mother this news.

Interesting that the other long-time survivors have such a similar approach to mine.
1. Let go of the shame. Disease is a no-fault issue
2. read
3. keep talking about it
4. allow your feelings to happen and accept them for just that .. nothing more or less.
I don't know if it's just coincidence that we seem to be saying the same thing, or if it's the reason we have stayed alive. I didn't "plan" to approach HIV the way I did ... it's been a sort of learn as I go experience, but I sure hope my experience helps you.