
HIV Support Group
HIV (also known as human immunodeficiency virus, and formerly known as HTLV-III and lymphadenopathy-associated virus) is a retrovirus that primarily infects vital components of the human immune system which can lead the syndrome known as AIDS. Many of the problems faced by people infected with HIV result from failure of the immune system to protect from opportunistic...

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I have to live my life crying on the inside. Every minute I fell that my tears will break free from my body. My body achs from the false strength I have to pretend to have. I try so hard day by day to go on as if nothing has ever happened TRYING TO FAKE IM 100% with my false smile and joyess attitude I even laugh when I wanna scream. I just dont want to do it anymore!! I keep hoping it'll get better or atleast enjoy starring back at myself. This shit rips any self assurance and any self respect ive worked so hard to gain. I'm devastated from my head to my feet, my skin crawls with the thought of myself.. HOW CAN THIS BE!??? I can't except this!! I can't get over this!!! I cant understand why me?? Why can't I be normal?
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
First thing to do is to keep acknowledging your feelings and letting them out, just like you have done now. Keeping all that crud inside is damaging to not only your psyche but to your spirit and body.
Next you need to reach out to those that love you. Let them remind you of how wonderful, special and loved you are. BElieve it.
Spend time reading and getting to know others on this forum who have it a LOT WORSE than you. Trust me, our stories and situations pale in comparison to some of the other problems some people have. This is a very strong weapon I use to get myself off of the pity pot and embracing all of the good fortune that I DO HAVE.
Why let this rip your soul apart? Do not allow HIV to have that Power in you. Demand it back! It takes a VERY STRONG person to fight this disease and I AM quite certain you are the right person for the job.
Baby steps.
BE WELL.
In the meantime we were in a terrible car accident which almost killed us, and here I was so worried about dying from aids instead of living with it, I am not only a survivor, I am a thriver, and we are not alone.
and part of this my dear, is that nature itself, put each of us in one body, to live one life, with no promises, no gaurentees, and certainly no humane environment on any level whatsoever, to help us live this 'storyline'...
and yet we do. we all do.
so while nobody could possibly know what your experience is, you are not alone in the sense that it is only happening to you. this is happening to many of us, each feeling like you do, at times, and some of us, a spare few, actually manage with time, experience, and a willingness to embrace that experience, (note i did not say ACCEPT the experience, only embrace that it is yours, and live it the best you can)... a spare few, who HAVE mannaged to live our lives in spite of the 'horror' that at one time we felt we couldnt possibly come to terms with.
take it from those of us who have come to terms with all this 'mess', it is do-able. it can be done, and there are many many things we can do, but the object of the game, of coming to terms, to the point where you dont have to DO... you dont have to wear that mask, you dont have to wear those tears on the inside which refuse while begging to emerge in floods. you dont have to do the parts you dont want to do, but you do have to do one thing.
fighter that you are, as far as you have come and as smoothly as you have, (despite the self critical sense that you dont handle it well, you know youve handled it quie well.... so far, and are simply tired)
this exhaustion too, there are ways and solutions available for that too..
the only thing you have to do is reconcile with your feelings, all of which are valid, realise that there is not in reality a tatoo on your forehead that reveals you, nor is there a tatoo on your soul, or your perspective, (which is as malleable and changeable as your willingness to shape and control and change that perspective from something today not so nice, to something, like many of us have, which is rather transcendant, accepting, allowing, tolerant of the intolerable.
it seems so unnatural from your perspective that anyone could 'adjust' and 'normalise' in the face of something like this, but it is done and it is done in large numbers.
some of us are regulars here. we are old and wise and longtimers, we know things.
when you next have the opportunity to feel those tears well to the surface, write them out, write them to us, and write them with honesty.
we are all right here, and we are a faithful crew, from what ive seen here, and after 25 yrs poz, i can tell you , that is a great deal for me to say about ANY hiv group.
when you least feel like communicating with us, is when perhaps you most need to, no?
-taoe
phillyreikimaster@hotmail.com
again, there are solutions, and remedies, and adjustment 'tricks' to learn in handling all this, and i kid you not, many of us consider our hiv status, as no more important a defining element of our identities than the colour of our eyes, aint that right, mschif?
keep it pouring out, youre already DOING the right thing, and in the right place.
write more. give us more to work with, communicate with those of us who spent years where you are, and imagine a time when years from now you will be saying the same things to someone perhaps, that im saying to you now, when there was a time i had to imagine myself SAYING these things.
the key factor, remember, there are solutions to these seemingly unacceptable circumstances... pay yourself the gift to at least find out what they are.
that's what we're here for.
: )
I know its been rough! I also know that every-1 on this site has been there has gone through it! You are never alone, God is always with you. The people on this site arewith you. Read the replys ive recieved and feel how heart felt they are. You have a child who depends on you sun in and sun out, if you you provide for that child and love that child noone can tell you about what you don't do! I have good days and I have bad days but I make the choice to live through those bad days just to get to the good days.. I am here for you.. We are all intitled to have our bad days but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
www.aids2hiv.com this site will help you accept your self & HIV*
1. Let go of the shame. Disease is a no-fault issue
2. read
3. keep talking about it
4. allow your feelings to happen and accept them for just that .. nothing more or less.
I don't know if it's just coincidence that we seem to be saying the same thing, or if it's the reason we have stayed alive. I didn't "plan" to approach HIV the way I did ... it's been a sort of learn as I go experience, but I sure hope my experience helps you.