We want what we want when we want it. Using was my solution, not my problem. Life became so unbearable that I had to use even though I wanted to stop, just to blot out of my consciousness of my intolerable situation. In other words life sucked and it sucked worse when clean. It became so painful. I had to go somewhere(again), get and stay clean and work the 12 steps. The 12 steps didn't make me clean, they just made life better. When sober I used to constantly be thinking about all the messed up shit I did in the past or I'd be thinking about the future thinking" if I only had this, this, this, and this this way then I'd be happy." That thinking is total bullshit because I never ARRIVE. When I get what I want, then I just find something else I want and need. I miss out on the present moment and am left in a constant state of wanting. Get clean for yourself, put one foot in front of the other, get recovered by working the steps out of the Big Book, and everything that was meant to be will come back. It just won;t happen on your timetable(when you want it), so when things you love do come back consider them gifts.

Want nothing, need nothing, Just do it. You are complete and whole, you just buy into the illusion that you're not. You were born complete and whole, don't forget that. Everything you need you already have. Your mind is telling you that you are sick, you are not. You just don't realize that you are well. We were all like that, come join us on the other side. Nobody can take anything away from you and make you unhappy, you are already complete. You just don't realize it yet. Just surreder to working the steps and don't expect any outcome. Expectations are premeditated resentments. I wish you success on your journey, misery and suffering are fully redeemable at any time.