Last night was the most horrific time i have ever had with im.You know its like you cant stand up for yourself or say no you cant do this stuff to me.You cant even call it by name.I mean i cant say stop being verbally and emotionally abusive.He denies it anyhow.So i get so frustrated.He was the nastiest creature i have ever saw.He blew me off in every way.I sent him a text when he got home i saw hew hadn't even read it.He was mocking everything i say making fun of the way i say things or cry,if i cry and talk its yelling then he tells me that when i do that he stops listening he doesn't anyhow.My head was spinning he was accusing me of so much being nasty laughing talking to the animals in baby talk all with this smirk on his face like he didn't have a care in the world.Its all this game to him.He tells me what to do and if i don't then hell to pay.He orders me to sit down says i cant talk when you are standing so many times i feel like a dog being told to sit.So i said and i was getting angry also hurt no place no time is ever good for you.He says i cant deal with your shit.Thats all he ever says unless its the good phase then im everything so i said how could you have ever looked into my eyes and told me those things.I said be decent tell me the truth.I have been honest with him about everything except this place ds.thats mine mine alone.He smirked mocked turned it around said why don't you tell me.He rolls over rolls his eyes pulls the same shit now i cant talk i was gonna,no he wasn't he hasn't its just an excuse.He put his hands up to his face and ears like a child i just moved them.He accuses me of being violent or something.He does that to do something to get me going to hurt i don't know.So i am hurt crying.I was looking right into his face saw the most hateful person id ever seen.I was shaking literally scared but i could not just keep going away letting him,because then he expects to just come back and it be ok,when he done.I said that and he said let me tell you the definition of expect then when he is finished he says i don't expect anything.I ask so you don't care what happens .Its started in that game.I just lost it.I mean letting him do this has done no good and it is physically doing a lot of things.I know i shouldn't have but who does he think he is.He pushed me,but then it was my fault.I said if he hit me i would call the police he got enraged at that.He said don't threaten me and then said ill admit you into the physche ward he always uses that.So it got bad.I was gonna walk away like i always do i had a plant in my hand and i was gonna water it.He made some comments i htink i snapped .He accuses me of things i don't do or are not that way and its crazy.So i tossed the plant i couldnt ake it.I was just watering it the thing was dying.Somehow thats my fault.So many comments from him i cant ake it.couldn't.Its like i don't but you say i do so.I didn't even think it it just happened.I felt like dying really.I mean the reason this episode is here in this first place is on mon he interrogated and pulled that emotioanl verbal crap on me for 2 hours because i answered a a question he didn't like the answer or something.He said i expect things form him i never said that.Its like i meant exactly what i said.So after awhile i went to do some thing it was late i was tired i wasn't paying attention.upset.I accidentally not thinking cut my arm.A good sized gash.He got mad at me for it.Clean that up.I'm bleeding here.He sat on me held me down on the couch.I just at that point went into the bathroom sobbing so bad couldn't believe it for awhile trying to fix the cut.He could care less too angry.I grabbed my license Tylenol walked out he door.I needed to.He was playing video games.He said it was a war i make it that way he is not revealing his battle plans.Oh the pain,You would have had too see that the look in his eyes,..I think he sees it as that.Disturbing.So i drove finally got to a 24 hr pharmacy .Got some stuff the pharmacist looked at it and said id need butterfly stitches and that i need to clean it good.It was kinda deep so. I left.I sat in bk parking lot for awhile couldn't go back.I had some numbers for domestic violence i called them.Honestly the first # i called the lady was cold.She gave me another #.This man i spoke to was very nice he told me of my options.IN ct.honestly not much.GO to a shelter you have 60 days to find a place to live assistance public if needed and Pay for your own food.Thats of stuff.I had no money i used the money to get stuff for my arm.It was almost like id be better trying to handle this then save money.I didn't know what to do i came back its like 2 am.He still playing video games.Maybe something like aim before that.I don't know or care.He could care less about me.I knew that in that moment.If anything happened to him id help id be there.I wouldn't want to see anyone hurt in anyway no matter how angry i was.I am cleaning my arm i start to sweat then get woozy i almost passed out.I said pat please help get me a cold cloth he was cold mean ordering me.Belittling me.He didn't care.He got the cloth but said now was that a smart thing to do ,i cried no please.I passed out once before.I felt the same way.God it hurt and i felt so sick.He went back to playing the games.I got it cleaned and put the butterfly stitches on it.He finally went to sleep on the couch again.I didn't get to bed until 6 am.I could not sleep couldn't believe it.He is someone different whats his game he cant love me.I don't want a game.It hurt a lot and honestly devastating.So i don't know what to do.I woke up having a panic attack shaking.He was mean cold said why are you shaking i didn't respond,I have anxiety disorder and i was doing ok but it getting worse again.My counselor thinks it has a lot to do with this.He has the day off he left to get his paycheck bothered to go to the store and buy more bandages.He looked at me and said the couch smells like barf.Some dirt from the plant go on it.So now i know i have to clean.I feel lost and honestly cant believe this is him.Its always been a no win situation.I need someone to talk too, something to stay strong.I am scared my anxiety thing is gonna go into more a and i feel like gonna have a nervous breakdown.I know i sound pathetic.I do.I should have known who he is and that he wont change he just always came back and said so many good things acted like he loved me said he was sorry thought he wanted it to be better.I loved him.Its just know i saw so much more of him..HE says im angry i know he is...Sorry this was so long..He talks to me like a nothing,discounts makes fun of all my feelings.Tells me i blow things up.He belittles everything about me unless he is happy with me then im his angel..What do i do toll i can go, asked for a mentor in the other group.i don't think he will change and if he stops i cant believe what he says.
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