over the past few months since ive come to realize that i am kind of screwed and have to start over on every single aspect of my life... ive analyzed my past long term relationships. out of the girlfriends i did have i had 2 pretty long term girlfriends... one lasted from the age of 17 until may of 2003 which is the year i graduated hs... she was kind of "different" what once was a normal "i do give a shit" type physique turned into a "i dont give a crap" type situation.. which i guess in a way i do not hold that against her... the end of hs was hard on the both of us... but i always found it really messed up in a way because sure... i wasnt some weight lifting machine... but i did stay at 190 up until the end of our relationship at which time i went from 190 to 230 in no time flat due to watching her let herself go and the whole going away to college issue... i guess in a way it was because i noticed she had gained and i became unmotivated. i felt like it was a big slap in the face that she would do such a thing and expect me to still watch what i ate and do my cardio... but again... not really her fault IF the reason why she gained was due to the obvious impending breakup. it didnt stop there though. i met this other woman in may 2003 when i was going to the jr college to sign up for classes... we went out on and off for 2 months... at which time i lost almost 20 pounds which to me is a big feat for 2 months while she gained a lot. i started to think what the hell is going on here? fast forward to the weekend after graduation i met aubrey... i dated this other woman from the jc on and off during the first 3 weeks after i asked out aubrey on the first date.. 3 weeks into seeing aubrey off and on things started to get more on than off. she actually showed up to the sports park where i did my cardio every other day and chose to participate... she was pretty thin but didnt do much exercise and SHE made the conscious decision to meet up with me as i got ready for my jog. someone CHOSE to CHANGE and not in a negative way but a positive one partly because I WAS. she acknowledged my effort and felt the need to put forth an effort too... me with my "difference" and she still felt the need to improve herself. she changed my life. I know its kind of lame to take it to heart so much but it does matter. it made me feel like my efforts fricken mattered. lost weight and toned up and didnt think anything like "oh he has mild cp on his right side so he should accept me without putting forth much effort"... i mean what the hell... how can i expect someone else to see the limp and see my efforts and think those efforts should be counted and that she should try and put forth an effort? seriously... i dont get it! i need help in realizing why she thought that way. I always felt like... hey i put forth an effort others should too... and some did (for a while) but never really kept it up and made excuses.i want to believe the limp doesnt matter and that my efforts should be counted. i want someone with drive again once i find my own. exercising has to be a big part of my life simply because it will reduce the wear and tear on my non cp side and enable me to be active into my 50s and 60s IF all goes perfectly... every other relationship i have been in has derailed my efforts. they chose to call me up and talk about drama during my set times for exercise or call for sex or "hanging out".... they did not try to be fit nearly as much as i was trying. sure ill never run a 5 minute mile but back in my hayday i could ride my bike with my fit friend and his father was a body builder and a pretty avid cyclist... for 3 hours straight and KEEP UP with my friend while his dad obviously blew past us...for the most part. that effort needs to count for something. i do not understand how there could be more aubreys out there striving for a better them or maintaining a great version of themselves when i have a limp and a difference. i mean logically... rationally if i can keep up or surpass them in that area there shouldnt be a problem.. but i have cp so i am "different" and people trying hard to be a better them dont want to settle for the guy with a physical "disability"
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