I feel so sad most of the time, it's hard for me to find out what actually feels good sexually. Many times I feel like I'm giving up myself too easily, because its just to hard to refuse sex when it comes to the one I love . I care so much of what he might think if I would say no especially when he would give me the face of disappointment. Although he have told me not to force myself in doing something that I don't want to do it's difficult. Many times when we have sex I'm not aroused at all, I would just do it to make him happy and repeatedly he repeatedly he hardly romance with me(kissing, caressing) etc. before having sex. He would mostly kiss me a little here and there and touch a little on my nipples then down to my vagina. At times he would just touch my vagina and have sex with me of which I do allow and I know I shouldn't . I feel like I'm never turn on like I force myself to be. When we would have sex sometimes I feel blank out like its not connected like I'm just there getting laid and not having any feelings towards it. Then after we have sex, he most of the time wouldn't want to give me oral because of the long wait until I orgasm. I understand that. However, I still feel unsatisfied because of not reaching arousal in the first place. I also feel sad because it's mostly him getting satisfied sexually. whenever we have sex I feel less arouse. I feel helpless, although I mention the issues I'm having, I know I'm the main problem, I sometimes give him a false idea that I would want to have sex, when in truth, I'm just too attached to the image of having sex. I hardly even know what turn me on, watching porn doesn't give me any arousal, I could watch it for hours and not get turned on. I don't know to masturbate so I even feel worst. I don't know how to get into the mood of touching myself. I feel so dead and alive at the same time. My sexual life is like a tree that takes a while to bear. I had always remind myself that i wouldn't have sex until I really feel like doing it but honestly if i wait, it would take forever. I had tried it before, I didn't had sex for 8 months and yet I didn't feel aroused. I would think about it but wouldn't touch myself or masturbate, I honestly can't say why because I don't know. I'm so lost in my sex life. I know I need help to overcome my troubles. However, I think most of my troubles are the effects of my childhood molestation. I know if I continue this behavior I will always feel unsatisfied so I know I have to do something to change it. I need to find a way. I hope I do with time. I miss the feeling of being sexually turned on and I don't know to find that feeling again like it's lost somewhere in the air. Please tell me what I can do? or any stuff that I can read to get myself in the mood? just want some advice. Please help
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