Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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What to do?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I am usually a member of the OCD community however I thought that I would pose a question here in regards to my relationship with my husband. We have been married for four years (been together for ten) and we had grown apart over the last five years. I recently have discovered he has been having "cybersex" for about 5 years now. (His credit cards bills are so high!) We have grown apart and he stays up late at night online and does not want to have sex with me. I know sex is not the only thing in a relationship but I feel very lonely. When we do have sex I keep thinking that he is thinking about the people online. I think about having an affair myself and find myself very attracted to other men. Please help! I believe that if I was in a happy relationship I would be only attracted to my husband.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, that is a toughy. Have you tried talking to him about what he's doing and how it makes you feel? If you have, what did he have to say? I would definitely stress to him how this makes you feel, and honestly I'd let him know your feelings about being attracted to other men since he's been doing what he's doing. Maybe he will snap back to reality and out of cyber space to remember he has a wife to please. Goodluck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you. I should be totally honest with him. I have been hesitant to mention that I am attracted to other men because I feel guilty. Thank you for the support!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your very welcome and I hope you 2 can work things out or come to a decision that you both are happy with.
deleted_user
deleted_user
first of all dont beat your self up.second i was in your shoes and my wife did have 3 affairs.i kept hangin in there.it took me 5 yrs to say thats enough.idint satisfy her needs and she didn't mine.and honestly a little look is not unhealthy.acting upon it may be.and yes sex is important because it allows you to connect on a totally different level.intamacy. tis important thing.the on line sex thing can be an addiction.he may feel bad but cant stop. good luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you too for your response simple63. I am starting to think it may be an addiction as well and you are right-I am beating up myself over feeling attracted to other men. I believe it maybe more than just that though-I think I just want someone to connect with on an intellectual level as well. Thank you for your support too!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm thinking he could have a bit of an addiction also. I also hate to say this but I don't think you should say anything about being attracted to other men right now. If you talk to him first, tell him that you are attracted to him and it really bothers you that he is hung up on the online sex. Talk about him having fantasies maybe..roll playing possibly? Maybe he doesn't know the things you would be willing to do. It's all about communication. A lot of people look elsewhere when they aren't getting what they want at home. Maybe he doesn't know he can get that from you. But...you also have to realize that this is how he is. Then you have a decision to make about him...and other men. It isn't easy...I don't envy your position. Just try to talk to him. And you have us here too. Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
well put scifo, you are in a bit of a spot,but if you can talk to him.i got so fed up i wouldnt talk.maybe if i did talk i wouldnt be divorced now.i doubt it but you never no.
deleted_user
deleted_user
TALK.
Without honest (and occasionally tactful) communication how can you have a relationship?
deleted_user
deleted_user
most agreed! communication is definitely a key element.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, I believe that whether it's online or phone or whatever, it's cheating.

You need to determine where you are in the marriage, and what YOU want out of it.

Communicate and counselling.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is fixable, if you are willing to work at it.

As someone who has to go through the whole divorce thing, I would say, if you still love him, do counseling. If it doesn't work, you can look into other options later.
roseBud23
roseBud23
Hmm... my two cents would be to remind yourself that the reasons behind his actions may not necessary be due to anything u are doing or lack doing. Sometimes it is the inner-demons that are lacking in oneself. I know if ppl were weak in an area, it is then transmitted into a relationship.. and does not reflect on u, it's just something that he was struggling with prior. Communication will be #1 way of going about it. By not passing judgment and allowing him to own his reasons will be a good stepping stone ... the rest u'll just have to play by ear. Good luck :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
sex is a big part of your relationship and if he would rather have fantisy sex with someone go get those other guy girl.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just wanted to thank you all for your support and suggestions. They have been very helpful!
GiveMeWings
GiveMeWings
In my personal opinion, I think it is natural to be attracted to the opposite sex -even if you were happy in your marriage. However, your innate attractiion would (or shouldn't)lead you to go outside your marriage. Sex isn't everything, but it is an important part of the marriage. Do you want to save the marriage? Have you tried counceling?
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