Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am just relaxing right now. I have not talked to my fiance since Wednesday. Every day is getting a little bit easier. I did not call since the incident happened.
I have not really been secure in the relationship. She has been talking to an ex and while we were engaged gave her number out to another guy.
She has repeatedly been not talking to me about what is going on personally with her. We did have a long conversation about this however when the question was asked if she was interested in someone...She responded with "I don't know how to answer." What does that mean. She tells me evertyhing else, however if she is interested in someone else. I do realize that if she is not mine than what is the point, but we are kinda on the fence with each other.
I sometimes don't feel like i'm doing enough. Neither does she. I have been accusing her of talking or thinking of some other guy, but i can't prove it and she won't answer. She gets real defensive and dodges the question.
I called on that wednesday and she was on the phone with someone else. I did not say much and she came by my place. We talked for a while and when the question was asked by me who she was talking to... she did not initially answer. That kinda got me bothered and the person that she said i did not believe her.
So i said if i check the phone records in your last calls it would say that her girl friend called. I took the phone forcefully and checked it and she was telling the truth. Feeling bad i was kinda puzzled and annooyed. She wanted to leave immediately and I got to swearing at her.
She walked out and i slammed the door on her as she walked out. I got a second to think and ran outside to catch up with her before she left and she did not stop the car. She bumped me out of the way with her car.
I called a couple times after that and she did not answer. When she did, she was crying and told me to leave her alone. This is the situation until now. What should i do? Just leave her completely alone or try to work this out if she calls me back.
I have not really been secure in the relationship. She has been talking to an ex and while we were engaged gave her number out to another guy.
She has repeatedly been not talking to me about what is going on personally with her. We did have a long conversation about this however when the question was asked if she was interested in someone...She responded with "I don't know how to answer." What does that mean. She tells me evertyhing else, however if she is interested in someone else. I do realize that if she is not mine than what is the point, but we are kinda on the fence with each other.
I sometimes don't feel like i'm doing enough. Neither does she. I have been accusing her of talking or thinking of some other guy, but i can't prove it and she won't answer. She gets real defensive and dodges the question.
I called on that wednesday and she was on the phone with someone else. I did not say much and she came by my place. We talked for a while and when the question was asked by me who she was talking to... she did not initially answer. That kinda got me bothered and the person that she said i did not believe her.
So i said if i check the phone records in your last calls it would say that her girl friend called. I took the phone forcefully and checked it and she was telling the truth. Feeling bad i was kinda puzzled and annooyed. She wanted to leave immediately and I got to swearing at her.
She walked out and i slammed the door on her as she walked out. I got a second to think and ran outside to catch up with her before she left and she did not stop the car. She bumped me out of the way with her car.
I called a couple times after that and she did not answer. When she did, she was crying and told me to leave her alone. This is the situation until now. What should i do? Just leave her completely alone or try to work this out if she calls me back.
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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Has anyone tried these supplements? Do they give MGers more quality of life by improving memory and overall well being?Thanks!Barbel
She's scared and afraid of a constant future like this situation. She's defensive because she is "walking on egg shells" around you.
Now, neither of you is talking. Not talking is also a form of punishment even though it seems like you're both just avoiding more arguments.
I'd say this relationship should probably be over. Learn from it. Get some help for yourself because YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT SHE THINKS!
I have accepted the fact that this situation may be over. And she is definitely not talking to me now. It's just confusing that she is unsure about the relationship, when we were high school sweet hearts. We broke up and have not been together for like 5 years due to her flakey tendencies. She pushed for the relationship when i was not trying to be with her because of how she acts. I was happy single. Given time i had a change of heart, she said she would open up to us the way she wants me to open up and does not come through. She still is acting the same way and it's disturbing.
I can't ask her anything, however questions come from her in bunches. The same things she asks me, i ask her and it becomes an issue of me trying to control her.
Where is the give and take in that. I do realize that she has her issues with us also, but where is the responsibility for the things you say and do. Seems like it is all on my shoulders to burden every situation in a delicate matter no matter how irate she gets.
She has done worse things to me and I try to work it out with her, but something like this happens and it threatens the relationship. I just don't get it.
Now, please keep in mind that I am talking to myself as much as talking to you here! OK?
Can you imagine for just one moment that the shoe were on the other foot? How would you feel that everytime you got a phone call,, or spoke to a friend that you would have to report in? We have to be able to maintain our individualities! I am not quiet that bad,, I will admit, but I was kinda guilty the other day of the same thing. I was on the phone with him,, his call waiting beeped and he told me he would call me right back.. as soon as he did, without even thinking I asked "who was that?" He got quiet, I assumed he was taking his time to make up a lie! We all know what assume means! I made an ass out of myself big time... however, no excuse is good enough,, he has cheated on me,, so I am naturally suspicous! And was not this way with him until the cheating! I have to be able to control this, if we are going to be able to get past it! Luckily, he knows my issues with trust and honestly believes he deserves this kind of treatment, but it has to stop!
My advise, is to sit down and write her a letter,,, via US Postal Service! Yep.. old timey mailman delivery! Shows you took real time,, not computer generated! Tell her, that you realize that she has friends outside of your relationship and she does deserve thost friends. Tell her you are sorry and you are willing to work on your trust issues, that have absolutely nothing to do with her! Go to counseling and keep up here!
I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best!
You describe her as flaky previously, maybe when she was flaky she allowed herself to be controlled, but maybe now, older and wiser she doesn't want it anymore.
Do you think you are controlling her?
A relationship is not about give and take. It's not about who's done worse things. It's not about who bears most of the burden. It's not about who has more issues or is more inconsistent.
All of that is gamemanship. You're playing a game with each other (or at least your side is). That is not a relationship.
You may think it is, but I can already tell that it's not the kind of relationship you want. So why try to make it that way?
I don't fault that because i did not want her at the time, but to keep that kind of close connection lie about it, and then get mad at me when i can tell the difference does not establish trust.
We agreed to leave those "Friends" behind. I had to do it also. I'm not trying to control her, but some of her questionable actions make me feel like i have to play some type of game to offset the nonsence.
With any other girl i have been with this was never an issue. It has been a major issue with us for a long time which is why we were not together for soo long.
I do realize that i am perpetuating this activity with the constant asking, but if she is asking me the same questions, what route should i take?
Because just being nice and trying to say that she is putting me in the same corner she doesn't want me to put her does not work.
Every action of hers is justified.... mine are never. At least that is how the feeling is.
But i give her space. I don't call that often just to give her the room to breath. We don't live together and i work constantly. It's just when it is our time to be together she seems distracted and I react to it.
I do need counseling and i think i just need someone else who is more trustworthy.
The counseling I'm suggesting is for you to learn to be able to not reflect bad habits back to her. Feeling the need to "play the game" is so unhealthy. Learning how to make your side of the relationship OK is difficult. But it allows you to learn to walk away when necessary. Otherwise you're trying to "make it work". This turns into controlling.
Nothing in that is good for your relationship. It's going to be best to break it off unless you both seek some help.
I guess this is part of the healing process. For the most part. It just sucks sometimes.
We as men are always to bite our tongue. When we do cross that barrier there is no going back.
This isn't about who is right and who is wrong. It's about being yourself and loving the other person for who they are. I don't see any of that there.
It's not about men biting their tongue. It's not about finding the truth. Your problem isn't trust. Because everything you stated is a fiction in your head. She hasn't done anything to betray your trust. But you are working on betraying hers by checking up on her and verifying what she says is true.
She has done plenty to destroy the trust we had. MOre than i can even write down. That is why i am so unsure about the whole thing.
It's just when i really felt something was odd with her, i was way off. I had this feeling before and i was right on the money.
But i do hear what you are saying.
You can't react on it. That's the hard part. Cause ultimately you are not in it by yourself, and the other person doesn't want to feel like you won't ever trust them again.
You know who you are with more than anybody. Do you honestly know what they feel? Do they know that it was a mistake or is it just a pattern that will continue?
If you should choose to work things out, you have to be open to the possibility that they are sorry and this will never happen again. But being paranoid will only drive them away. Either way, it's hard to do.
Alright, this is going to be a bit blunt... though the purpose is not to make you feel bad :P
Okay... stop trying to say what she did, and how she deserved her actions. Stop looking at what she has done wrong for a bit, and only look at the things that you have done wrong... which is plenty.
Now, you do not fit the classic abuse profile, because you do know that you did some things wrong... BUT, you are justifying your treatment of her!
You have been mean, jealous, demanding, and overbearing.
Ok, so she has done some things as well, but in a healthy relationship... when someone treats you badly... YOU LEAVE! You don't reciprocate that behavior... that is one of the forms of codependency.
And one major thing that supports that is your #13 post.
"Well i do understand what you all are saying. It's just difficult to look in the mirror and see your faults and not try to put some of them on the one you are with."
Look at that statement again, and see just what is wrong with it.
Alrighty, the admonishment part is over... now for the more positive side of my post.
Yopu are trying to forgive, at the very least, you are trying.... i don't think you should be with this relationship... it is unhealthy all over the place, but the fact of the matter is, is that when you are with someone that you care about, you are trying... and most people don't get that.
As for the relationship aspect... i think the 2 of you should not be together, my 2 cents, but hey, if you do decide that you want to be with her... there should be seperation time, where you work on yourself... i think you have a lot of self-discovery you need to do before you can be in a healthy relationship... but i think that you might be a rare sort of guy, and actually be able to have a good relationship... you just have a lot of work to do first.