Food for thought.....

I started to complete the questionnaire and I stopped.

I stopped because the whole thing read,to me, like an attempt to prove to your wife that YOU are right and She is wrong.

I am probably being paranoid but it put me right back to when i was married to a very bright logic-oriented man. I could see him doing something like this survey just to throw it my face to prove he was right. That would happen, however, only it the results proved he was right.

It all sounds very controlling to me and i don't wish to participate

Your questions are ridiculously slanted

no offense dude, but

i agree with simgrah

i stopped because i felt that you were trying to make a case against your wife. marriage is very difficult and takes a long time to work out all the quirks....i have my issues and so does my husband...we are constantly trying to work out the bugs so that we can fully enjoy life together...he's a great guy and i'm a great gal, but sometimes we just don't mix well when we get stirred up...hang in there and prayers for only the best for you!

I answered the questions, but not sure how they were intented .. all I can say is be in the moment, don't over analyze anything ... take care of yourselves, no one is responsible for another human being ... I've learned that the hard way

You sure expect a lot. Wonder if she has any way of experiencing happiness when she doesn't meet your expectations.

I also answered the questionaire, but I did state in the comment section that it seemed unfair and very slanted to me! She obviously did not have any part in determining her own questions!

All:
I appreciate all of your honest comments. But I am perceiving your responses as if I am using this as a justification for me against my wife. I assure you all I am not.

I can not get video cameras in my home like on the Dr Phil show to have other individuals hear the comments made by myself and my wife. So I opted to do this questionnaire with comments I have made and she has made. So if anyone is able to look at the comments with an open mind, without any personal prejudices from any current or past negative relationships, I would really appreciate it.

These are the statements made by me to my wife and the ones by my wife to me (word for word). I am trying to see if I am missing the intent of her comments; where are the ones of endearment to me and the ones of compassion to me? If I said these statments to other women, would she be mad at me. If my wife said these statements to any other man, would he be mad. Note - we are both in counsol with our church pastor; the same words are being said to him as well.

Please know the comments are a summary of comments over a period of time; they were not all made in one episode.

So I hope this helps your understanding of why it sounds so slanted towards me, because this is what I am saying to her and what she is saying to me. Because if not, then I can't help but to conclude that I should not expect these positives in a marriage and that husbands should have no positive expectations of their wives. I'm then left with this...expectations are perceived by some women as negative and controlling.

I don't have to go to your link after reading your last comment.

You're missing the real point of a real relationship. The problem that most people have is that they want to look good - or they're trying to not look bad. Every single conversation is concerned with this issue. And your "assessment" is just the same stuff.

Do you do that with a toddler? Does a toddler do that to you? It's not very likely. That is a good example of unconditional love.

So you need to decide if your love for your wife is conditional or not. Try to be unconditional for a short time. Watch the reaction you get. Is it really that difficult? If it is, then you need to figure out why. And don't be looking at somebody else for why it is so difficult.

At the very least this exercise will help you know if this person is completely wrong for you. I suggest that either you are trying to change her into something else or you are trying to prove she is wrong for you. Neither of those reasons is conducive to a healthy relationship.

Brian I'm confused by your comments. I posted to your discussion in support of what you were stating. I'm reading negative comments from you on my discussion.

Futhermore a revelation occurred with my wife last evening that resulted in her realizing that she was not being considerate of my feelings. She had walls up and once she let those walls down, something wonderful took place between us.

My whole point with posting my questionnaire and other comments was I was getting "zero" love from my wife and I was wondering how others would react in the same situation. I could not understand why and yet I'm reading remarks about unconditional love. I can not recall in my wedding vows where it stated something to the effect, "do not expect love, growth and generousity from your spouse". But there is a statement about "you are now of one flesh and should treat one another as if it is your flesh".

My thoughts are simply that. Nothing more.

And you feel perfectly justified in everything you just said in your last comment. I understand that. But it seems to be self-righteous. I don't think you see anything wrong with that attitude and that's your choice. It will be your wife's choice if she is content to live with that, not yours.

Do you think everyone that has responded doesn't really understand the situation? They've only heard your side and it's not selling. There is a reason for that and it isn't because their faith isn't as strong as yours. Faith is cheap. Discernment is glory.

I didn't answer either. I too perceived it as here for you to prove who's right and who's wrong.

Here's the thing - truth is a perception. You and I can watch the exact same accident happen from different sides of the road and tell our accounts to the police officer and they not be the same, but neither of us be practicing deception. So, when you write things like, "I expect her to want to encourage me to be the best person I can be." You have to realize that this is subjective. The best person you can be in her mind may not be the best person you can be in yours. This is not an equivalent statement to "I expect her not to have sex with anyone other than me." which is definate and specific.

You say, "I expect her to allow me to help her resolve any problems she may be experiencing." What you perceive as help may be perceived as controlling to her. How about trying this out instead, "I would like her to know that if there is a problem she would like to have my help in solving I am here, but if she solves it on her own I am also here whether she succeeds or fails in her solution."

Also, to be frank, you guys EXPECT a lot of each other but it doesn't sound like there is a lot of acceptance for who each of you are. She doesn't have to like everything you do and you don't have to like everything she does.

It really sounds like you two need to learn how to talk to one another, and I mean really freely open up. If you were doing this then perhaps she wouldn't feel controlled and you wouldn't feel powerless (because that is how it comes across in the survey).

"I expect her to know I am always considerate of her feelings." ALWAYS?? 100% of the time you NEVER EVER make a mistake on this one? Certainly there is something that either you weren't aware mattered so much to her or vice versa because you thought it was something small? I think we all screw up here now and then no matter how hard we try.

I'm just not sure you understand how it works so let me offer you this last thing.

There is only ONE person you can change for better or worse. That person is you. If you look in the mirror are you pleased with what looks back?

what is the definition of "expectations" ... my husband expected me to provide for us financially, my husband expected me to not to have any friends, my husband expected me to be a robot ... I expected my husband to stand up as a human being, I expected my husband to not maniuplate me in the name of love ... I think the word "expectaiton" is tough to swallow

ps .. and I was trying to understand where you were coming from until the world expectation came into the picture ..... expectation of another leads to one thing, disappointment

world was supposed to be word but then again maybe it wasn't ....

"The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations."

Julie Cameron