what is this anger and pain really about?

i'm practically obsessed with painful thoughts about a 'friendship' my g/f has reassured me about and i do believe sometimes, is just friends...

i feel fury at the thought of them hanging out... i feel fury and disrespected because this was the beginning of the end in some ways...

she started the friendship 4 months ago, we were already in trouble, i asked her to wait, because she had admitted to me that there had been flirtation and sexual energy... but she assured me it was no longer that... and because i had asked her many times before to limit contact with several other friends of hers that she had had one-nighters with in the past ... i'm the type that doesn't keep in contact with exes... i have had a hard time understanding... and she was agreeable with me about limits, but it caught up with her and she realized she had agreed out of fear of losing me, fear of upsetting me... rather than plain ole' support... and in hindsight... the majority of those 'exes' had been nothing more than a one nighter... i see that now. i've even told her that i'd 'trade' all of those requests in for this one friendship to be put on hold.

she has boundary issues which irritate me to no end... my childhood pain stems from not feeling supported, no one had my back, i felt betrayed by my sister when she'd gripe about my parents to me and kiss their ass when they were around... i understand she coped how she needed... the pain is still there... the anger... so despite moments of feeling calm and reassured and clear and confidant in our love, and in who i am... sometimes i feel such rage that i know it has connection to some intense pain from childhood that i haven't acknowledged yet, haven't separated the pain that belongs to then vs. the pain that relates to the present reality...

we definitely and i definitely need to cool things out... and i am in no way looking to start anything intimate any time soon with anyone else... our separation happened for a reason, not just bc of my reaction... it helps me to remember that where we're now at needed to happen one way or another...

it would be so much easier to deal with this if we weren't still in contact... all her stuff is still here 'til she finds a place in unaffordable los angeles...

if she would just tell me that 'it' (whatever that is) is over with that 'friend.' it would make such a difference to not be in this limbo... i just want to hear, yes, i'm interested in her or no way never going to happen w her... right now i feel like it's all up in the air... that's my suspicious hypervigilant mind... danger danger danger! maybe, just maybe, there is no limbo... maybe i don't know how to hear or trust her words... i know when i feel insecure about something i need to be assured over and over 'til it sinks in.

maybe i just can't be at peace. don't know how. still not believing i deserve good lovin'. maybe.

she HAS told me recently that that person isn't important to her... but her actions contradict... they spend time together... she doesn't even want me to meet her anymore because 'she just isn't that important' in her life.

so my mind goes to, 'sure, u just don't want me to meet her cuz u or her feel more for each other than just friends and it'd be too awkward for one or both of u...' anyway, she also called me her soulmate but then added that doesn't mean we'll grow old together... aaargh!

so all of this is to say, i wish i were jeanie and could blink myself to another city, move far away and not deal with her until i'm more at peace with myself and can let myself trust and receive love... i'm the cold-turkey kinda person... this dragging things out, her stuff here, her talk of she loves me but can't call us a couple or girlfriend... if that other woman wasn't in the picture it would feel more clear to me... of course, i know i am most likely making that woman much more important than she really is... i'm trying to get some clarity on it... i asked her if she would let me know occasionally how their friendship is evolving.

this came after i had disclosed that part of what was hard was that a few times after a relationship ended, i've had exes hook up with someone that they had insistently claimed was 'just' their new friend... then she told me that she that happens frequently... i didn't know that... so.... i'll stop here... i was going to continue with my suspicious thoughts again... it's pointless. i'm addicted.

oh yeah, and i know i'm re-enacting childhood dynamics. we both are. her and i fit together in the best/worst way possible. we're definitely soulmates in that we trigger ea other so much that we've both been evolving a lot together. my part is definitely not feeling safe, trusting, loved... so that's enough to sabotage something that was good enough. i think i seek the impossible. perfect love. i'm only going to get that from my self and the animals in my life. that truth sux. i think i have a lot of grieving to do. all of this has stirred up so much rage at my father. anger i thought i'd 'gotten over.'

thanks for reading this all the way to here... "