I am completely drained mentally, physically and emotionally. I love him to death but when he's mad, he's mean. He can say some pretty personal and hurtful things with his words. He can also toss me around pretty good. The first time he hit me I thought I deserved it, then, as it continued I was extremely confused about what I should think, then it got to a point where it would depress me to no end and I would just sit there and replay the whole sinario in my head and I was unable to process any other thoughts until all the chaos in my head calmed down and I gathered what had just happened. But as I did that, some of the times that were more emotionally painful for me would start to play back in my head very cleary and it started to hurt. Bad. That's when I stopped looking at what I should be thinking and started looking at what he WAS thinking. And how could he look at me anymore? How did it not break his heart to touch me like he did. He calls me his angel yet I feel like I'm in hell. Not to be dramatic or anything, but sometimes, life serves you up some drama and that's just the way it is. Anyway, where I'm at now... I still want out but I'm afraid of change. I live with him and I have for years now so I guess if your miserably in love, you might as well just be in love. God only knows, love is so overpowering and makes us weaker at times. So I've begun to pray to God to help me find the strength that I lost some how, somewhere.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??