I am sorry to be posting so much about this...and for the long post, but I have to get this off of my shoulders. I have come to the conclusion that I will need to see a therapist, at least individually. I have asked my husband to see a marriage counselor with me. He has agreed to it with hesitation. We both have made mistakes in our relationship. He has further admitted more information to me pertaining to his emotional affair. He is attracted to Kelly...the woman in his office. He has told her that he is attracted to her, but she does not see him in that same way. She sees him as a really good friend at this point. I completely understand that my spouse is not able to meet all of my needs and I don't expect him to. We all have friends, family etc outside of our marriage. We all have differenct degrees of friendships in the world. But what he revealed to her about me, still hurts and it was wrong. (I have told him that). He just made excuses and reasoned his way out of that. So I dropped it. He can share what he wants. I am letting that all go.
Currently I am keeping open dialougue with my husband, even though these conversations are painful. I need to know where I stand and where he stands. I need to know if my marriage is salvagable or at least maybe we find ourselves evloving within our marriage, or leaving it. Things do change, people do change. I have heard some very painful things about myself from my husband and how he views me through his eyes. Last night he has told me that he is unsure if he can ever be intimate with me. I have pushed him away so much and rejected him over time so much, that having any sexual intiamacy with me makes him feel sick inside.
I don't know how I feel about this besides extreme sadness, grief and shame. I have started to build up walls. He has also discussed with me that he doesn't even know if he believes in marriage. During his quest in his religious studies, he really is trying to find himself. I see him having a really huge midlife crisis. He has also expressed to me that I haven't shown much interest in him or his interests over the years. It's been all about me and he's gone along with that over the years. I can say that, this is true. I have been selfish in my own right and sometimes too much in our relationship. Now, as he has changed, he wants me or... someone else to focus on him and his interests. He wants someone (and this may not be me); to be there for him. As I was hearing this, I did see his point of view here. There are a lot of hurt feelings, but I also heard him becoming really selfish. He wants it mostly all about HIM. The marriage is no longer about an Us, but HIM. It's not longer about me either...and that's ok, as I took up the space enough. I don't expect it to be about me.
So there's a lot of hurt feelings here, a lot of past mistakes (and he cannot get over some of the mistakes I have made, and he's told me that). He does keep them over my head really. I don't expect him to forget, and now maybe he cannot move past our past.
So I sit in limbo. Do I stay or do I go? Do I wait for him to deal with his issues? How long will that take? He has waited around for me with some of my stuff, but yet, how much do I wait or compromise here? I feel like I will be loosing a pieces of myself. I already do feel that I have lost a piece of myself. Right now I am in graduate school, pursuing a doctrate degree and trying to make plans. I am also trying to hold on to my sanity, as I cannot concentrate. I almost dropped out of school this week. But I stopped myself. I have goals for myself. But do I put those on hold for this man? I don't think that's ok. He won't put things on hold for me. Maybe I need to focus on me and my healing. Maybe I just need to let go of all of this. Maybe I am missing something here.
I guess I am writing this post to gain perspective, as I feel like I can't see the big picture here. Maybe someone can point something out to me that I am NOT seeing??
Got a tattoo on my calf It's a rooster with a noose around it's neck. Now I can tell all the women that I have a cock that hangs below my knee.
Nothinn happened. It was a typical morning. Really it started last night. Anxiety. I NEEDED my meds. I wasn't myself. I feel more myself when I'm not momming. Kids come home from Dads and my anxiety comes with them. That makes me feel like a terrible mom but I know it's pure hyper vigilance and with my history that's understandable. Last night the neighbors were loud and I heard strange noises. I...