I have discovered that I have become the girl who I never wanted to be. The type of girl who is always walking on eggshells for some guy. The type of girl who no matter what happens or what is said, is always the one who ends up feeling the worst. I have found that when he screws up, I am the one apologizing. But can I really be mad at him for doing that? Really isn't it my fault? I've let it go on for so long now, why wouldn't he think that he could do that to me. I've let him do that and even now that I know what it is I am doing, I don't know what to do. Well I know what I should do. I know I should probably talk to him about it. But I have become that girl who is always afraid to make him mad. I've have become the girl who completely turns her life around and upside down just so she won't make a guy mad. And to beat it all, the more I try, the worse things seem to get. Funny thing is, every time we talk he tells me that I need to get more confidence and that I need to get a backbone. But he is at least nice when he says that to me. He can say certain things to me that I hate and kills me but I just go on and let it go, but if I was to say the exact same thing to him, he would get so mad and probably never want to speak to me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to forget about him. I just want things to change. I just want them to be different. I saw a show once. It was the Facts of Life and the episode was called "Magnificent Obsession." I have come to realize that show was me. I know that all of you will say that I don't deserve that and I should just give him up. But if you have ever felt something for someone that runs so deep, then you know that I can't quite do that. Someone who you would be willing to go to the ends of the earth for and be there for them no matter what and without them in your life, you don't know what you would do. I don't want to lose him. I don't think that should be my only option. I just don't know how to change things. I know I should just stand up to him, but I'm afraid. And no he doesn't hurt me physically or anything like that. And when he hurts me emotionally it really is an accident. He is just one of those guys who definitely feels most superior to women. He has been there for me through so much and helped me with a lot. But I've guess I have led him to believe that no matter what he does or says, I'll always stay. He actually says that to me. He acts like he is joking about it, but I doubt that he really is. But the more I think about it the more I realize that is what I have always let him do and it's my fault that he thinks that. I don't want to lose him. If you have ever felt that way about someone then I am sure you can understand. I just want things to be better with us. I always used to talk about those girls who were what I am now. I vowed to never turn out like that, but that is exactly what I have done. I just wish I knew what to do and how to make things better between us.
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