Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am about to have my first baby and i am with the man of my dreams but there is a catch - the father inlaw just gives me the erks.
Since he found out he will becoming a grandfather the control issues have began to set in. He has decided he is moving 1 minute down the road from us in a couple of weeks time, to drive me to the hospital (because my partner lost his lisence), to baby sit, etc. "to help out" I know i should be grateful, but the truth is neither my partner or i mentioned wanting this "help". I am very close with my partners mother, step father & sister and they already live only 2 min away and are very helpful and hip, lovely people and we have already organised with them to drive, to babysit, etc..
My father inlaw is a chronic smoker of both tobbaco and pot aswell as having health that is clearly deteriorating. THis stuff is ok by me on its own but i really don't want my baby around that kind of lifestyle and i also feel i will not beable to relax or trust him having our baby alone if he stoned all the time.
I know this puts my partner in a tough position and he is sort of worried about the same things, but i think he in denial a little also, because he doesn't want to hurt his fathers feelings and knows he is a lonely old man, and also doesn't want to cause a rift as his dad very emotionally manipulative and lays on the guilt - a lot.
I am anxious about how much involvement his dad will want and i know i cant be a total bitch and not let him be in his grandsons life just coz it would make my life smoother, as this would be hurtful for all involved.
But this is new territory for me and i am unsure how to go about letting him know we don't need his living 1 min away, his driving me to hospital, his day in day out involvement. I am a private & independant person and so is my partner and we like our space from smothering, needy sorts.
He has just decided for himself what we want from him without any actual asking of what we want and i am afraid this is a taste of worse things to come. He doesn't respect women at all and i feel like he will arogantly walk all over me if permitted. (this is a little overwhelming because both of my parents have passed on and the rest of my family live 9 hours away. so i have noone on my end to pull the "back off" strings, or take up half the load)
Am i getting my pregnant knickers all in a knot over nothing? Should i just keep my mouth shut and not burden my partner with my worries and not rock the father inlaw boat?
Or is there a way to set healthy bounderies without offending my father inlaw and causing all sorts of family dramatics and then having my partner stress and feel terrible also?
Since he found out he will becoming a grandfather the control issues have began to set in. He has decided he is moving 1 minute down the road from us in a couple of weeks time, to drive me to the hospital (because my partner lost his lisence), to baby sit, etc. "to help out" I know i should be grateful, but the truth is neither my partner or i mentioned wanting this "help". I am very close with my partners mother, step father & sister and they already live only 2 min away and are very helpful and hip, lovely people and we have already organised with them to drive, to babysit, etc..
My father inlaw is a chronic smoker of both tobbaco and pot aswell as having health that is clearly deteriorating. THis stuff is ok by me on its own but i really don't want my baby around that kind of lifestyle and i also feel i will not beable to relax or trust him having our baby alone if he stoned all the time.
I know this puts my partner in a tough position and he is sort of worried about the same things, but i think he in denial a little also, because he doesn't want to hurt his fathers feelings and knows he is a lonely old man, and also doesn't want to cause a rift as his dad very emotionally manipulative and lays on the guilt - a lot.
I am anxious about how much involvement his dad will want and i know i cant be a total bitch and not let him be in his grandsons life just coz it would make my life smoother, as this would be hurtful for all involved.
But this is new territory for me and i am unsure how to go about letting him know we don't need his living 1 min away, his driving me to hospital, his day in day out involvement. I am a private & independant person and so is my partner and we like our space from smothering, needy sorts.
He has just decided for himself what we want from him without any actual asking of what we want and i am afraid this is a taste of worse things to come. He doesn't respect women at all and i feel like he will arogantly walk all over me if permitted. (this is a little overwhelming because both of my parents have passed on and the rest of my family live 9 hours away. so i have noone on my end to pull the "back off" strings, or take up half the load)
Am i getting my pregnant knickers all in a knot over nothing? Should i just keep my mouth shut and not burden my partner with my worries and not rock the father inlaw boat?
Or is there a way to set healthy bounderies without offending my father inlaw and causing all sorts of family dramatics and then having my partner stress and feel terrible also?
deleted_user
of course you should talk about this with your partner, and he in turn should set up the bounds with his father, your father-in-law. you can handle this with a lot of kouth and avoid 'offending' or 'hurting' him...so he's excited to be a grandpa, be happy for that! set bounds; simply. make 'plans' with him about when and how much...rule out any smoking around or prior to spending time with the baby. he agrees and does it or doesn't, that is his choice, and it is your choice to limit access to the baby. your feelings of 'creepiness' and whatnot are valid of course, but it is in how you handle this that it plays out nicely and fairly to all involved or it becomes a hurt filled drama necessary for dr. phil...you have the power to set appropriate bounds so every person involved can be happy.
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