
Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Oie vey...where do I start here. I know I can overthink things, BIG time. (Do others do that?)
I recently got engaged to a great guy, he's hillarious, handsome, romantic, sensitive and thoughtful but his one and only downfall is his anger/brooding and aggressive communication skills.
Fights are never small, he flies off the hook most of the time. (Sidenote, I know no one here knows my fiance, and are just going to base their answer off my somewhat vague description, but I ask that you put yourself in my position, what would you do?)
Anyways, prime example. Last night (Wed) I cashed my fiance's rent check thinking it was Thursday, so it would clear when it was posted the next morning (he got paid midnight on Thurs). I told him this and he FLIPPED because it wasn't Thursday, it was Wed. (Ugh... my stupid mind...) Thing is, he didn't have enough in his account until Thurs night when he told me to cash it. He had every right to be mad, I'd be pissed too! However, it's not just being 'mad' with him. He yells, won't talk to me, broods for days and basically gives me one-word answers, and "it's never his fault and because I did X, Y or Z, that's why he is acting that way." He'll leave without saying goodbye, and when I tell him how cruel he's acting, he responds with more anger.
So it hit me the other day. Can I live with this for the rest of my life? Can I deal with his extreme anger? Has anyone else been in this situation? Other than that, our relationship is great.
I don't know if this is "cold feet" or something else?
I'd be happy to share any more info with anyone interested to paint a better picture, but this posting is long enough I think... :-)
I recently got engaged to a great guy, he's hillarious, handsome, romantic, sensitive and thoughtful but his one and only downfall is his anger/brooding and aggressive communication skills.
Fights are never small, he flies off the hook most of the time. (Sidenote, I know no one here knows my fiance, and are just going to base their answer off my somewhat vague description, but I ask that you put yourself in my position, what would you do?)
Anyways, prime example. Last night (Wed) I cashed my fiance's rent check thinking it was Thursday, so it would clear when it was posted the next morning (he got paid midnight on Thurs). I told him this and he FLIPPED because it wasn't Thursday, it was Wed. (Ugh... my stupid mind...) Thing is, he didn't have enough in his account until Thurs night when he told me to cash it. He had every right to be mad, I'd be pissed too! However, it's not just being 'mad' with him. He yells, won't talk to me, broods for days and basically gives me one-word answers, and "it's never his fault and because I did X, Y or Z, that's why he is acting that way." He'll leave without saying goodbye, and when I tell him how cruel he's acting, he responds with more anger.
So it hit me the other day. Can I live with this for the rest of my life? Can I deal with his extreme anger? Has anyone else been in this situation? Other than that, our relationship is great.
I don't know if this is "cold feet" or something else?
I'd be happy to share any more info with anyone interested to paint a better picture, but this posting is long enough I think... :-)
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I promise you, it's much more difficult to fix this after you get married.
Follow your intuition, Brian is right it is way easier to resolve issues before marriage. I suggest counseling sooner rather than later and definatly before the small issues become too big to handle.
If you weren't going with anyone and a friend wanted to fix you up with someone handsome who, when angry, yells, gives you the silent treatment, broods for days,
communicates by using as little conversation as possible, refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever for his behavior and in fact, blames it on YOU, leaves without so much as a 'goodbye' and who, when confronted about this type of cruel behavior, responds with more of the same, would you jump at the chance and say, "Yes!!!!! He sounds just like what I'm looking for!!!!!"?
That's the trouble with relationships!! It's all so wonderful at first and the 'bad' stuff doesn't usually come out, straight away. Generally, it's just one little thing, that's fairly easy to overlook. And it escalates so slowly that before you know it, you're in a relationship that -- had it been that way right at the very start -- you would never choose to be in.
IF he learns healthier ways to deal with conflict, then he does indeed sound like quite a catch!!!!
Until and unless that happens, I think you would be extremely unwise to go any further in this relationship.
Not only is it not acceptable now, it will most likely get even worse, after marriage!!!
Couples counseling would probably be the fastest and easiest way to solve this very serious problem, if it can be fixed. And really, about the only thing that may prove to be too big an obstacle to overcome will be if he keeps refusing to realize that a significant part of the problem is the cruel and unfair way he reacts to things.
This is your future that you are building now. You can't be too careful in doing all you can to see to it that it's a happy, healthy one, that you will never regret!!!!
Good luck!!!!! He really does sound like he's got the makings of a wonderful husband -- but ONLY if this one, very big issue is successfully resolved!!!!
Take care!!!!
Best of luck, you are a very smart lady, therefore make the best decision for you!
I've talked to his Mom and sisters about his anger/fighting skills and she just emphathizes and tells me he's been like this since he was a child. At first I thought it was just me, but it's somehow engrained into his personality. Does this mean it's hopeless? He'll always be this way?
that's emotional abuse my friend. no it's not hopeless. yes, people can change. if they want to, that is.
i have many friends who attended pre-marital counseling and it works. get it all out and then decide what you want to do. that's what i'm doing.
However i am basing this on what you have shared re: "it is never his fault"
If, on the other hand, he was able to admit that his reactions to things are over the top / cruel / not fair/ and recognises that he should get help to understand where this behaviour / anger comes from and is actually willing to get it - & DOES pursue getting it - then the relationship could work.
But... if he maintains there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, that it is your fault and that you deserve it - it is emotional abuse and manipulation, at best it is highly unfair and promotes an envirionment of inability to resolve conflict civily and a breeding ground for resentment.
Do you think you deserve to be treated this way by him for the next 5 / 10 / 20 / 50 years????
If your answer to that question is NO, then you know what you'r answer to marriage should be....
Think of it this way. Marriage is a behavior changing event. Use the opportunity to transition into it easily. I also believe this is the best opportunity to fix any anger issues if there are any.
And he is open to it. He knows this is important. He's marrying you because he wants to be happy. He wants change.
I've learned that things we learned from when we were young DO affect our actions today. But, when we become aware of these behaviors, we can correct them and be happier.
But, having said that, we started having problems at the very beginning of our marriage and went for marriage counseling, and it was wonderful!!!!! It made a world of difference in our relationship!!!! I highly recommend it!!!!
There were, I think, 3 factors that eventually brought about the demise of our marriage.
One, my husband had never been in love before he met me and was, in fact, a virgin. You know that 'high', infatuation period you have at the beginning of a romantic relationship? Well, we got married before that part died down and he, having no prior experience in such matters, had thought that it would always be like that and was bitterly disappointed when things became routine. But even then, we not only loved each other, we also liked each other and I think there was still enough to build on.
Two, we have a mentally disabled son. That's high stress on a marriage. In fact, the divorce rate for that runs at about 80%.
Three, I'm Bipolar and wasn't diagnosed until after the divorce. I think the divorce rate for that is about 90%.
I think, considering all the strikes against us, we lasted a lot longer than many others.
And I can also tell you that I think that without the marriage counseling, we wouldn't have made it 5 years.
Good luck to the both of you!!!!! I think you've got a great chance for true happiness!!!!!!