I think you know when you no longer have to ask when do you know.

I guess the question is what is keeping you.

thanks rmb. i suppose at 59 leaving my house, neighbours , security to a flat that is small , has no garden and I will also be financially worse. although i feel alone i am worried about living alone too.

Yeah. I get that. It’s a big decision. I life changing decision. I think though it’s something that no one can really say when it’s time. Unfortunately it’s all up to you.

Hugs my friend. I was 57 and I just gave him his walking paper. I understand where you are coming from. But you need to look after yourself. It is a decision only you can make. Get a lawyer, financial advisor and a therapist lined up. It has been almost 14 years since I left him. A hard, horrible road to travel but you can do it. You are stronger and smarter than you think. Once you are out of that toxic environment, you will see that. Meanwhile, when you see him smile, turn around and walk away. Do not engage him. You will be fine hugs and stay safe.

Big hug for you Cotton..... I was married and left..... and I am telling you that the most positive thing that will come out of it for you or at least what it did for me is peace of mind... nothing to be upset or irritated about.... calm.... no frustration

You may have a smaller place and have plants instead of a yard however it was so very worthwhile for me....

Once you heal you can decide what you want to do with the rest of your life..... I agree with Atpeace.... Talk to a lawyer and get some therapy

It's nice to feel calm and hopeful and I did.... Big hug.....xo

SunCloud, you are so right about that priceless peace of mind and soul. Cotton , you will realize that. I never knew how scared I was of him until I was out of that toxic environment. Cry all you want, But do not let him see you upset, I should have won the Oscar for best "actress". Smile, turn around and walk way. Hugs you will be fine, although, right now, you don't think so. I was making min. wage of 10.00 and I did it.

In sorry what you've gone thru. I wouldn't live with a man who didnt love me wasn't honest with me and always had secrets that don't fly with me.I would rather go from living in my dream house and being able to travel or do things we love to selling the house and splitting the money and downsizing to a studio apartment then to live and at at married to someone who don't love me.

As far as no physical contact that's not right. I normally don't tell about my sex life but me and my husband on average have it 3 to 4 times a week. I honestly think its an important part of marriage because it shows a bond between 2 people who love eachother.

If he can't even hug or kiss you that's not right. I'm a smoker he's not but before he comes home from work or before bed I always make sure to brush my teeth or rinse my mouth with mouth was so he's not grossed out by cigarette breath.

I wish you the very best of luck.

thank you everyone for your kindness.
It is so difficult as he is being nice to me at the moment. when he is being mean and spiteful it is easier.
Plus i cannot find out what he is up to anymore as he has password locked his phone and computer. It does not stop me imagining though and then i feel like i am a bad person and being controlling and going off my head.

Please please go see a divorce attorney right away before making a decision. I made my ex move out after 30 years of marriage, I was a little younger than you and making $20,000 a year with no benefits, no health insurance at my job. The great recession was just starting. I found out through my divorce attorney that in my state, I had legal rights to jointly earned money. And I got half his 401K all earned during our long marriage (but be sure all of this stuff is transferred, paperwork done, before you sign the divorce papers or ask the judge to sign the decree - some attorneys are slackers on this stuff). In my state, the person who leaves the household is still liable for paying half the bills or part of the bills. So don't do anything until you have very solid legal advice. You need to quietly, secretively make copies of your financial papers and his separate accounts if you can find any papers he keeps. If you are on the house loan, the mortgage, divorcing this man doesn't automatically take you off this loan so you are still liable legally to make sure it is paid. See its things like that you need to have good guidance about. You describe a secretive man who is all about himself. Consider researching the personality disorder of antisocial personality disorder or narcissist and see what you think. This guy may be very repressed and unhappy and hiding behind having a wife or he may find using you is to his liking. Try to accept that he is how he is and don't get hung up on changing him or hoping he changes. You do not have to be honest with him if he is not honest with you. Not saying cheat, am saying put your own best interests first. Do not worry now about what he is doing, instead focus on your secret path of planning your escape and getting the legal advice and making copies of documents. I needed copies of his 401k papers to force the division of assets. We did make him share all this information in discovery but slippery people are always going to be not honest. He cheated on those discovery documents and did not disclose all his money and then he cheated me out of some child support. All of this pissed off the mediator but the judge was BFF with his attorney and let all this slide. I suspect this is the type of person who will make you pay for divorcing him so walk with insight and education. I know, my ex is very narcissistic and did all he can to destroy my life for leaving him. But I am happy now, it was such a relief to not be married to him any longer. Ten years later, his health is declining due to his smoking, drug use, alcohol abuse, etc., and I am so grateful I got half his 401K because he could have left it to the kids and left me broke when he died as my income has never been high. The husband I am now married to is a gem. We have to release the old and go through the valley of the shadow of death to walk in the sunshine.

You don’t have to leave all together. Take some time apart if you can. You may be able to reconnect with him. You will know after about 3 months.