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How do I give him space and be ok about it?

deleted_user
deleted_user
So my boyfriend and I , who lived together, are having some problems. WE finally got to have a nice talk today about the root of our problems. I am always complaining to him that he doesnt do the little things for me anymore and that I need more affection from him, he usually would blame it on things I need to fix. But today instead of fighting, we had a great discussion. He said its hard for him to do those things for me because I am always nagging him about it. He says it feels more like a chore because its as though he has to do them instead of wanting to do them. He said that he has been so stressed from work. He works a lot of hours. He feels stress from his kids mom, spending the little time he can with them, and said the only area he has room to decompress with is the time he spends with me. He said that if I am always pressuring him, it adds more stress. I understand that. He asked for me to back off a little, not physically back off, but back off always questioning him why he doesnt do the little things. He also said That he isn't happy, that he doesnt have time to do the things for himself that he needs to do to make himself happy, such as time to do what guys do to relax, like video game, or just hanging out. He also said he is so afraid that if something happens to him and he cant work everything will fall apart because he pays for our housing, he pays child support, and if he lost his job form something he would lose our housing, couldnt support his kids, and his ex coulndt pay for her rent because of no support from him. NOw I want to give him his space and time to get himself together. I am just scared because I am not sure how to do that without getting upset. How do I make myself happy so the pressure if released off of him? Any advice. We both want this to work. Its just hard with his demanding schedule. He works 60-70 hrs a week, the only two days off we have to go and get the kids and we are running around with them. SO he has no time for him. What do you guys think, any one have experience with this kind of situation?
deleted_user
deleted_user
i totally understand, i am going through the same thing. my girlfriend asked me to give her room because she suffers from ptsd and just had an episode last weekend. well since then she cant say she loves me anymore and has totally checked out emotionally. how do i just back off but still understand that she loves me. this is the hardest part, i don't want to smother her, but i want our relationship to be strong again... sorry i couldnt help but i do understand and maybe work through this with you
deleted_user
deleted_user
yes its hard, im co dependent so its hard. i know i cant make him happy he has to do it himself,its just he as no time to do it. I completely get it. and i guess we cant have a strong relationship if the other person doesn feel strong too. So i need to focus onmaking myself happy instead of putting all my happiness on him. I just dont know how.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Is it the company that demands him to work these types of hours or is it him who just puts that time in? Does he work all weekend as well, including Sundays? Maybe if he has one day totally off, he should make that day to do something for him. Get with friends, go to the gym or anything. But if he does want to be with you, then he does need to find time with you too. Even if its coming home from the office and cuddling with you for a half hour. That really is not asking much. But if he cant find time for you, then I would say I would really think about where the relationship is goind.
deleted_user
deleted_user
its his job that makes his schedule, he doesnt go in for extra work. He would love to have a weekend day off. He would also love to have two days in a row off so he can feel as though his day is rushed. If i asked him to cuddle, or came over to him to cuddle he would, its not that. He just doesnt initiate it. I am working on getting him a raqute ball membership so he he can go play when the kids are off at school. RIghtnow only his daughter is in school, so he still has his son to take care of during that time.His son start school next week too, so then maybe he can get some down time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Seriously, the best thing you can do is to not nag him as much. I know you need affection, but you can bite your tongue for a little.

I had to learn to do it, and actually, the more good things I say to my b/f (rather than nagging), the more I get out of him.

Try it, boys are like babies.
deleted_user
deleted_user
it goes back to that thing i guess where if you feel like you have to do it you dont want to, with me naggin he fels like he has to do it. THanks for the adice, i am going to have patience and ease off. I kept saying if i give you what you need what will i get in return, you know compromise, but instead of that, i am going to give him what he needs, and then in turn I may just get what I need without expecting it
deleted_user
deleted_user
That works in my relationship every single time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
yeah its like they want to feel they solved it or made you happy themselves not because you told them or made them do it
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you have not" read men are from mars women are from venus" do so.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i understand what you are going through because i am experiencing it. my boyfriend is going throught he sheriffs academy and has very little time for me. he is distant and cold one day and happy and loving the next. it is taking a toll on me because i just want him to be happy. it hard when we have been so dependent on each other for so long and all of a sudden i am supposed to back off and give him his space. it is hard to not nag and want that attention and affection i used to have with him. friends and family keep telling me to distract myself and work on myself to make sure i do not depend on him for my happiness but it is so hard. it does help to know others are out there going through the same thing so that is a little comforting.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes it is hard to back off. Especially they pull away, it causes you to try and get closer. WE have been going to counseling and it works great. I have backed off and he has been doing the little things like calling me before he goes to work and such. I have been going to the gym and doing stuff for myself. It feels good. Helps me focus on me and makes me feel like its ok for him to take time for himself and for myself. Makes you feel more confident when you do things for yourself, then in turn you dont feel as though you need so much attention from your significant other.
deleted_user
deleted_user
yeah i have felt even more needy than ever when he pulls away. he does make the effort to call me before his work day and after it but he never asks about me anymore. he can talk and talk about his day for like an hour and then have to go but what about me? i am trying to show my support for him and not let him see how much the distance is hurting me. i am trying day by day to do more things for me. it is a hard transition. i am going to start going back to the gym and try to distract myself and work on myself. i want so badly to talk to him about how i am feeling in a way that doesn't upset him or make him pull away even further. how do i do that or do i not say anything at all?
deleted_user
deleted_user
IM not saying he is right or wrong, but does he know you feel this way. Have you told him it makes you feel unloved when he doesnt ask about your day as well. I have found alot of what our problems were, were communication problems. We dont understand how waht we say and do effects the other.
deleted_user
deleted_user
ive tried to tell him. there doesnt seem to be a good time. i am waiting for tomorrow when we go away for some together time. he doesnt even seem excited about it. i want to make sure he is in the right mindset so i dont push him away. i feel so crappy today. i am tired of feeling this way.
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