One day last week, I woke up knowing I had to leave. There is no abuse in my marriage but deep down, this relationship has never felt right. For various reasons, I convinced myself to stay and here I am, 10 years later, married to a perfectly good husband and feeling absolutely trapped.
Out of a moment of absolute hopelessness, I searched online and found an apartment. I emailed requesting a showing and was promptly invited to come check it out. It was an absolute dream - everything my current house affords me but at a much lower price. I'm still shocked it exists because I live in the most expensive area of my state. The landlord was really great and I felt hopeful driving out there. When I got home with the application, I saw that it asked for my current address/reason for leaving, previous address, and my current employer contact info. Plus credit history.
I froze. I never told my husband I looked at the apartment and wanted to apply. I didn't tell the landlord that I'm married. Then the idea of my previous landlords, who adored me and my husband (we lived there 9 years - me, off and on, as I moved temporarily for a job 200 miles away), AND my supervisor, who I've only known for 4 months (I started a new job in March), finding out I want to leave my marriage before my husband just shook me to my core. I also feared that my credit check would show my name on a mortgage and then, in my fearful state, an awkward confrontation would ensue where I got grilled from potential landlord about not being truthful about my situation. Plus a knock on my credit score.
While I can certainly afford the monthly rent, I don't have the money for a security deposit, too, so I would need to borrow money from my parents for the first time in my life. I'd be able to pay them back over a short amount of time, no problem, but I'm just feeling really uncomfortable with anyone knowing what's going on. My mom is a gossip.
There were a lot of other applicants and they were in-process of checking their backgrounds,etc. so I convinced myself that I wouldn't get the apartment anyway and emailed the landlord telling him not to expect my application. He wrote back that it was a shame because on surface level, I was everything they were looking for in a tenant. That was Monday.
I've been absolutely gutted ever since. I can't stop thinking about how perfect the apartment was, and I feel so low. My husband and I went on a walk the other day, and I started talking to him about our marriage - that it's been difficult to know what he expects out of it and that a lot of important conversations were never had. He agreed and asked if I thought marriage counseling was a good idea. I said maybe but also that I felt trapped. He told me I wasn't, that he'd rather I continue growing as a human and become the person I feel good about even if it meant our relationship ended. I never told him about the apartment.
So here I am, feeling like I sabotaged what felt like my only chance to get out. I look around and think, this is the alternative - staying here in a relationship I know I don't want. And if I did tell him, I'd need to find a place soon anyway, so why not this one? Ironically, my husband is the only one I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings. He's a really good listener, gives good feedback, but also never takes initiative when the issue involves him. He kind of leaves action-taking to me, which isn't unreasonable. And I really love the man. My closest circle of family and friends all happen to be at really high points in their lives and I don't want to bring them down. I also don't want to tell them about what's going on because I don't want to be judged for it.
I keep thinking I should email the landlord and ask if there is still time to apply, but what if I look crazy by flip flopping? What if all the issues I feared end up being the reason I don't get it? I've considered telling my husband but then what happens when I apply for the apartment with his blessing and don't get it? Then he knows I want out and I have nowhere to go.
I guess I wanted to run away under cover of night because it all feels too much to face.
For what it's worth, I'm still also dealing with the aftermath (trauma?) of a really awful visit to my hometown earlier this month, so this all might just be lumped together. I'm reading the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," and while a good read, it's one that I need to take a break from every couple of days, so I'm just dealing with a lot of heavy emotions right now.
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