I know I have posted about this a while ago, but it's bothering me again. I think because it's the holidays and because the situation happened exactly a year ago. My close friend and her husband really wanted to connect me with their brother in law. Her husband, and the brother in law are from a foreign country. My friend met him when she was traveling and he came back here. They seem to be doing OK but I will say it seems like it's been a struggle. He's not a full citizen yet, and he seems like a nice enough guy, but ever since they finally got married, she's been more stressed out than ever. She was so anxious to move from dating to marriage, and now that he's here, she sounds like she's going to have a heart attack from stress. Either she's translating papers, working extra jobs because things are tough, and then she asked me if I wanted to go back to school with her because she "needs something else to focus on." I don't get it, if you are married now, why do you feel like you need something else to focus on? She tells me that she is lashing out at him, etc. The brother in law comes and lives with them for three months yearly, starting at Thanksgiving and stays through February. He is on disability in his country and when he comes here I guess he is sitting around the house going stir crazy and it gets under her skin.
This time last year, I was supposed to be set up on a date with him, about this time in December. The closer the date got the more I started to panic. I'd met him in person once, he seemed nice, put together, was wearing a nice suit, etc., but didn't speak any English so that was really awkward. He was interested and started chatting with me via Facebook. It just seemed like after our date was set, I kept hearing from him, a little too much, over facebook chat. All the sudden I got gripped with "fear of the clinger" if that makes any sense. I was still going to keep the date, but the deal breaker was that when she and I were hanging out on a day trip, she was venting like mad (like she does a lot these days, not that I mind) about how stressed out he was, how stressful the whole situation was with him in limbo, not working either in the US or in his home country, and how he was going crazy, that things were falling through for him all around, that he was just spinning and getting more frustrated. The more I listened the more stressed I got. I actually started to panic. Apparently he and his brother were fighting a whole lot, it sounded bad, frankly, and I changed my mind about the date. So I just called her and leveled with her and just said sorry I have changed my mind I don't think this is going to work out. She pressed for an explanation but I refused to give one. I really did not have a particular explanation, all I knew was that I was just super uncomfortable and that was all. Anytime in the past I've gone through with something that I was very uncomfortable with, disaster ensued. These days I am listening to myself instead of ignoring warning signs. She and her husband really wanted to argue with me and the situation, but I just stayed firm. In fact their overreaction, instead of "no biggie, no big deal, thanks for letting us know," made me wonder. I didn't see why it was so important that he be with *me* specifically. After all, there are lots of women in the world.
He is here again and so I just feel this sense of uneasiness, not because he is here but because I wonder about the long term implications of me opting out. I suppose it would be much worse if we dated and it didn't work out, there is no way that could not impact the relationship. I felt bad because at the Christmas party last year, I was avoiding him because it was just so uncomfortable as I'd cancelled the date and I really was not trying to be rude, I just really did not know what to say. I mean what do you say? I'd cancelled the date and so what else were we going to talk about now...I suppose just sit there and talk about the weather and be polite but there is this elephant in the room. It was awkward...we were hanging out and talking and his brother was making rude comments at him like "go play with the dog you belong with him." It just wasn't funny in the context of what a hard time this guy is having in life with being disabled, living half in one country, half in another, and no job or profession...it seemed like a real kick, I don't know. I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest. I feel bad for him and for the situation, but I also feel like I would have been pulled right into something not so good where I would be just as stressed out as she is, trying to provide for all of us and keep him afloat as well as myself.
Hi, i have anxiety and any tips on how to handle it or ways to calm myself down
relationships are hard especially when you have anxiety over every little thing. My bf gets mad at me for not texting back on time and I have to say sorry for it EVERYTIME. It’s so stressful because I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. I have to be careful with everything I say or do. I feel like I’m responsible for keeping him happy and I get so anxious when he’s mad at me over...